Published on 12, July, 2020
For some time I've been attempting to work part time at a preschool. It's something I'm v passionate about doing as I love children, I've always got on better with children than I do with other adults but then I'm still childlike compared to most. I don't think that's a bad thing personally. I assume it's part of my ASD, I've heard others here in the past say they are also v childlike as well.
My ASD and my childlike nature is one of the reasons why I got the job in the first place. They also thought me being autistic would be good for some of the children who have disabilities.
When I'm there it's great. I have an amazing time! I read to the children, play games with them and basically just spend the day between 9am - 3:15pm having lots of fun with them. There's obviously more serious things to do like course work and obviously making sure the children stay safe from any potential dangers. But overall it's a fun and happy environment all day long.
So where's the problem?
My anxiety.
Anxiety is the biggest barrier in my life. I thought it was always going to be my social difficulties associated with ASD that would affect me most in life but it's the anxiety. It knocks me for six and at times can be v debilitating and that's something not many people actually seem to get. I'm lucky because the company that have employed me are more than understanding but I realise my anxiety can't keep affecting me the way it does because it's not good for me and it could potentially cost me my job. If it continues.
There's been several occasions in the last month alone where I was going in to work on a said day, they were expecting me but because of the anxiety I never went in. What normally happens is the days leading up to it the anxiety creeps in and the anxious feelings get stronger and stronger until the morning I'm expected in and it all blows up and hits me like a train! I'll then get the unwanted awful physical symptoms like headaches, nausea, sickness, upset stomach, pains and dizziness. It really is vile.
In the past I did approach the GP but they tried me on medication which had unbearable side effects and then I was referred to mental health who tried to treat my ASD despite me telling them there was no cure or treatment for it. They seemed to think it was a mental health problem and as we all know that's simply not the case. V annoying when professionals try to dismiss ASD as mental health.
So I gave them the push and have been trying to cope on my own. For a long time I did amazingly on my own and kept the anxiety in check but since working at this preschool since last November my anxiety has began to spiral out of control and affect me in big ways that actually leave me bedridden, sometimes for days after the initial anxiety has passed.
As I've said my employers are v understanding and that's something I really appreciate but I hate doing this to them. They always message back saying no problem at all. I understand. Feel better soon and we'll see you when you feel able to come in...
But it's embarrassing for me and v unfair on them. I really want to get better control of my anxiety but I am really unsure of how to do this without medical help from the GP. I thought of a therapist but the idea of talking to someone frightens me after my dealings with the mental health service. And I've tried practicing some mindfulness but I felt I could never fully relax and I think it didn't work for that reason. Every time I try and relax I've found I can't.
I'm sorry for such a long post but I'm at such a loss with this right now. It's v frustrating. I'm due in work on Monday, they'll be expecting me and once again I'm already starting to feel anxious and I dread on Monday I'll fail again and get hit by the train of anxiety and left with unpleasant symptoms to deal with.
Any help and suggestions you might have are always more than welcome.
TIA.
I understand how frustrating and debilitating anxiety can be. It's great that you have an understanding employer, but it's important to find ways to manage your anxiety so that it doesn't continue to affect your work and personal life.
There are many different ways to manage anxiety, so it's important to find what works best for you. Some people find that therapy, medication, or lifestyle changes can be helpful. Evening is different and find different things help them with their anxiety.
I encourage you to do some research and find what works best for you. That's what I've been doing since my anxiety got really bad, trying to figure out what works for me, and what doesn't work.
I've found for me personally mindfulness works really well. There's loads of mindfulness videos online on YouTube which I've found to be very useful and has helped me feel less anxious.
I'm not working currently, my anxiety and mental health aren't in a great place right now but I'm hoping with this mindfulness and if other things help too I can get a job and work again then.
Remember, you're not alone in this. Many people struggle with anxiety, and there is help available. It can be difficult to find what works for you but when you do it can make a huge difference to your life.
I sympathise. My anxiety has at times been crippling and I’ve tormented myself to a state of illness too many times to count. What might help is trying to find the source of your anxiety.
You seem to be very happy in your work generally, and it is probably very stimulating for you. Perhaps a bit over stimulating at times? I’ve always found there is a fine line between excitement and anxiousness and I often confuse the two. Maybe you are starting to feel excited in anticipation of an enjoyable day but mis-interpreting this as anxiety. You then start worrying about the anxiety and this turns into real anxiety and then you end up in a spiral which leads to a shutdown.
I have this problem. I learned to cope with it by trying to remember what excitement feels like and recognise that it is nice, and not anxiousness. I try to teach myself to enjoy it and let it flow over me and through me, but not make me feel anxious. As soon as I get the butterflies of excitement I know I have to be careful. It can easily go the wrong way.
Trying to trick your mind like this is a bit like trying to weave water, I know, but persist. It does help eventually.