Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
Apologies if this upsets anyone, but I’m an NT in an 8 year relationship with an ASD partner. We don’t live together. I know everyone is different so am trying not to generalise and this post is about my personal experience only, it is not meant to disrespect anyone else.
I’m at the end of my tether, my partner has broken up with me after an argument, he does this nearly every time we argue, so I am always scared to bring up anything that might cause a disagreement in case I get dumped. I never feel secure.
I always end up apologising to him despite who was actually in the wrong, me, him or both of us. He never apologises to me. I’m dealing with chronic illness and care of my parents and was really depleted the other day. I had been trying to tell him repeatedly that I was tired and sad and not myself so didn’t have the patience to be as accommodating as normal. So when he was about to launch into a lecture at me (which he often does but I normally don’t mind, but I was so tired), I cut him off directly. I had to be direct because I’d been telling him politely that I couldn’t cope all day, either it was not registering or he was ignoring it. The only time he hears me seems to be when I’m really direct, but then he calls that being mean. So when I was exasperated by repeatedly asking for understanding all day but not getting it, I was short with him. To be fair I was short with him on two occasions, but both were pleas for him to actually listen to my needs and not to go into big rants at me about stuff as I couldn’t cope with it right now.
He blew up at me, saying I’d been at it all weekend and he was sick of it, telling me not to speak to him that way and how I wouldn’t tolerate it from him. The thing is, he does speak to me that way, all the time. I tried to say this to him but he just denies he does it. It’s like there is no self awareness at all. When I try to express any needs I’m being critical, he takes everything personally. When I have an opinion different from him he blows up, he will absolutely not hear anything but agreement from me. I feel lm walking on eggshells and can’t be anything less than perfect, like some stepford wife. If I show any displeasure or crankiness, it escalates into a huge argument where he accuses me of all the things he does to me. Then he ignores me for days, sometimes weeks stonewalling me. He categorically denys any of this and accuses me of being the one that does all these things to him. It feels like gaslighting, I genuinely feel I’m going mad.
All this gaslighting and stonewalling is really affecting my sense of self, I feel I can’t be human and have a bad day or moment, without it being seen as a personal affront that warrants punishment. I’ve tried to explain this all to him but he just denys everything, scoffs at my point of view telling me I’m the problem not him, it’s always about him and how he feels, my feelings don’t matter to him in the slightest. I’m just labelled the bad one. Even when I try to apologise and explain why I did x and y, it’s not good enough, nothing is good enough. I do a lot for him and have really stood by him when other people didn’t. I’m know relationships are not transactional but it’s really hurtful that one small off day or moment seems to just wipe out all my, love, loyalty and support that I give him on a daily basis. I just feel he’s being incredibly unfair to me.
I feel like he doesn’t mean to gaslight me but the end result for me is the same, being made to feel like I’m crazy and unreasonable for having any needs or being less than perfect. He doesn’t acknowledge when he raises his voice and calls me hysterical if I cry as I’m so frustrated and upset. I feel really lost and hopeless. I can’t tell if this is a miscommunication with our ASD NT, I cannot seem to communicate with him in a way that is fair to us both. I’ve really tried my best, being calm, giving him space, not being too demanding etc I need empathy and support not broken up with because I was less than polite one time. I feel I can’t be objective anymore but people tell me that stonewalling and gaslighting is emotional abuse. I’m not perfect but I do really try to respect his needs and boundaries as much as possible, but he seems unable and unwilling to do the same for me.
I now feel as if this is an abusive relationship without meaning to be, I have no voice in it. I just know I’m tired and want to be able to have a relationship which makes me feel loved and secure.
Does anyone have any advice or similar experience.
Thank you for your kindness.
Now is the time to cut bait and think of your next steps. Let this go.
Here, here!
I pretty much say I agree with everything that has already been said. I hope things get better for you and that you take some time to heal from this.
You're welcome. At the end of the day we can only be responsible for our own behavior, and our own reactions to other people's behavior. It sounds like you have done your part toward this relationship. You can't make him do his part. He has to want to and decide to. Maybe he needs to lose you to realize what he's done.
Take care of yourself. You deserve it.
I believe that, too. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
I genuinely have no interest in getting back at him or winning anything, I’m not that way inclined, so that won’t be an issue. I have no energy to focus on anything else but my health, I have elderly parents to look after so I’ll be kept busy enough. Thanks again for your advice.
change your number. block his number, really, no forwarding address! There is no getting back at him or winning anything, just cut bait and run!
Well done Capt Grover for admitting to your past behaviour and trying to change, I firmly believe that people are capable of change if and when given the right incentives and support.
Thank you for reply. I feel his behaviour is quite manipulative in the results it gets him, ie controlling me but the difficulty is the intent. Thats why I’ve stayed so long. I really don’t think he means it, not consciously. I think his behaviour is to gain control over the situation, ie stop the argument, not to have to take any responsibility or have to self reflect. But the effect on me is the same regardless and I need to rest so have went no contact. Thanks again for your thoughtful response.
Thank you for your very honest and kind response. I’ve stayed so long as I feel he really doesn’t mean a lot of these behaviours and I’ve been less than perfect myself, often reacting in a way that makes things worse. However I feel the difference between us is that I’m aware of my bad behaviours and have really tried to change so that I can be mentally healthy, not just for our relationship but for myself. I’m now realising that I don’t think he is actually capable of doing the same. Unless he does what you have bravely done and have some self awareness and take responsibility for his actions. As you said with all my other stresses, I don’t think I can continue the relationship even though I love him a lot. Best of luck in your journey and thank you for sharing your experience.
Thanks, I do need some distance. I am chronically ill and really need the rest. I’m trying to put myself first for a change. I’m calling his bluff, and not contacting him at all. Not to game play but to rest.
Thank you, good luck to you too.
One of the characteristics of most people with ASD is that we do not manipulate people for our own benefit. We may not be able to do certain things, but that is because we simply cannot, we are not avoiding such things in order to force others to do them for us. I do not think that your partner's actions are the result of autism, but because they have other problems with their personality. Their treatment of you amounts to abuse. Abuse is abuse.
I am an autistic man married to an allistic woman for 27 years. We never have arguments, really, never at all. I don't think I have ever even raised my voice to her. I recognise that, while we are partners, she is an autonomous human being and I respect her autonomy. In deciding to to work, or stay at home when the kids were small, to retrain as a teacher, to take a year out to do a master's degree so she could get away from teaching, I have supported her and her right to do whatever she feels is in her interests. She has never had to walk on eggshells around me.
You may need to protect yourself with distance if they tick so many boxes. You cannot win this one and it is not your job to be their victim.
Your welcome. I am also looking for someone who I can enjoy my time with. I’ve met a few girls but they weren’t suitable for me sadly. I also meet a lot of females but they have all been quite immature and obnoxious. I just don’t like girls like that at all it really puts me off. Im just looking for someone who I can relate to. Wishing you luck with whatever you end up deciding anyway :-)
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm going to hold my hands up and say that I am, or I was, just like him. I'm currently separated from my wife. I'm an ND, she is an NT, and we have been married for 7 years. I only recently came to the knowledge that I am an ND, and my behavior has been a lot like your partner's for far too long. It seemed to get worse in recent years, the meltdowns, the gaslighting, the stonewalling. Eventually I had a long-overdue epiphany and saw with clarity how I have been treating her for years. I'm now on a course of research, self-reflection and self-correction so I can save my marriage.
I don't know how much of my behavior can be attributed to being an ND, and how much from basic character defects (or a deadly mix of both). All I can say is that your partner needs to see his role in this for any growth to occur. Maybe one day he will. But you have to decide if sticking around to find out is the right thing for you, right now, given the other stresses in your life.
Thank you so much for this. He does indeed have about half of these traits! I do really feel the intentional malice and grandiosity definitely missing but the effect on me is the same regardless. I think he is incredibly emotionally immature but there’s no hope of that changing. Thank you for your kindness.
I’m not sure we’ll be sorting it out as I need a much more supportive relationship and while I don’t think he means it, I don’t think he’s capable of giving me what I need. Thank you so much for your kindness and optimism.
Thank you for your reply. You’re absolutely right, most days I do feel like a sounding board. I quite often say nothing and just nod my head while he rants. It doesn’t actually require a response from me. I could not get a word in anyway. I’ve now went no contact as quite frankly I’m ill and need the rest. Thanks again.