Emotional abuse or miscommunication?

Hi 

Apologies if this upsets anyone, but I’m an NT in an 8 year relationship with an ASD partner. We don’t live together. I know everyone is different so am trying not to generalise and this post is about my personal experience only, it is not meant to disrespect anyone else.

I’m at the end of my tether, my partner has broken up with me after an argument, he does this nearly every time we argue, so I am always scared to bring up anything that might cause a disagreement in case I get dumped. I never feel secure. 

I always end up apologising to him despite who was actually in the wrong, me, him or both of us. He never apologises to me. I’m dealing with chronic illness and care of my parents and was really depleted the other day. I had been trying to tell him repeatedly that I was tired and sad and not myself so didn’t have the patience to be as accommodating as normal. So when he was about to launch into a lecture at me (which he often does but I normally don’t mind, but I was so tired), I cut him off directly. I had to be direct because I’d been telling him politely that I couldn’t cope all day, either it was not registering or he was ignoring it. The only time he hears me seems to be when I’m really direct, but then he calls that being mean. So when I was exasperated by repeatedly asking for understanding all day but not getting it, I was short with him. To be fair I was short with him on two occasions, but both were pleas for him to actually listen to my needs and not to go into big rants at me about stuff as I couldn’t cope with it right now. 

He blew up at me, saying I’d been at it all weekend and he was sick of it, telling me not  to speak to him that way and how I wouldn’t tolerate it from him. The thing is, he does speak to me that way, all the time. I tried to say this to him but he just denies he does it. It’s like there is no self awareness at all.

When I try to express any needs I’m being critical, he takes everything personally. When I have an opinion different from him he blows up, he will absolutely not hear anything but agreement from me. I feel lm walking on eggshells and can’t be anything less than perfect, like some stepford wife. If I show any displeasure or crankiness, it escalates into a huge argument where he accuses me of all the things he does to me. Then he ignores me for days, sometimes weeks stonewalling me. He categorically denys any of this and accuses me of being the one that does all these things to him. It feels like gaslighting, I genuinely feel I’m going mad. 

All this gaslighting and stonewalling is really affecting my sense of self, I feel I can’t be human and have a bad day or moment, without it being seen as a personal affront that warrants punishment. I’ve tried to explain this all to him but he just denys everything, scoffs at my point of view telling me I’m the problem not him, it’s always about him and how he feels, my feelings don’t matter to him in the slightest. I’m just labelled the bad one. Even when I try to apologise and explain why I did x and y, it’s not good enough, nothing is good enough. I do a lot for him and have really stood by him when other people didn’t. I’m know relationships are not transactional but it’s really hurtful that one small off day or moment seems to just wipe out all my, love, loyalty and support that I give him on a daily basis. I just feel he’s being incredibly unfair to me. 

I feel like he doesn’t mean to gaslight me but the end result for me is the same, being made to feel like I’m crazy and unreasonable for having any needs or being less than perfect. He doesn’t acknowledge when he raises his voice and calls me hysterical if I cry as I’m so frustrated and upset. I feel really lost and hopeless. I can’t tell if this is a miscommunication with our ASD NT, I cannot seem to communicate with him in a way that is fair to us both. I’ve really tried my best, being calm, giving him space, not being too demanding etc I need empathy and support not broken up with because I was less than polite one time. I feel I can’t be objective anymore but people tell me that stonewalling and gaslighting is emotional abuse. I’m not perfect but I do really try to respect his needs and boundaries as much as possible, but he seems unable and unwilling to do the same for me.

I now feel as if this is an abusive relationship without meaning to be, I have no voice in it. I just know I’m tired and want to be able to have a relationship which makes me feel loved and secure.

Does anyone have any advice or similar experience.