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feeling like I don't deserve good things and an overall sense of guilt

Cosmo
1 month ago

I can only enjoy good things if I 'deserve' them, and that means I must either work hard before the good thing or be sad or tired before the good thing.

It doesn't make sense because people's worth is not in their productivity but my brain is still being difficult.

It makes it hard for me to take long breaks, more than one day of taking a break gets me all depressed and guilty.

And I always have a general sense of guilt for everything; examples:

  • I feel guilty that I don't have a driving license, and when my mother drives instead I feel guilty and like I must do something in return (even though she has told me she has no problem with being my driver).
  • I feel guilty when my projects are not perfect even though it was my own decision to not work on them too hard since it's not my priority in life.
  • When I'm in a rut like now, I have a hard time being compassionate towards myself and like I don't even deserve breathing.

I don't know how to change this. Is it my own ableism (like feeling bad for not having a driving license even though I know driving was overwhelming and stressful for me), is it something my parents taught me, or something else?

Any thoughts are appreciated. Thank you! 

Parents
  • 1 month ago

    OP, I've been in the same boat for a lot of my life but particularly over the last year. If I make a mistake (whatever the scale), I feel I should be punished for eternity. That kind of thing.

    I tend to feel like I need to have some kind of amazing talent or whatever to gain people's respect, because I'm not good enough without that. 

  • 1 month ago in reply to HMO

    Yeah, I also feel it's partially for gaining other people's respect and feeling safe around them. If I don't do something for them, it feels as if they can just throw me away so I feel unsafe and guilty. 

  • 1 month ago in reply to Cosmo

    Yeah. If you're used to rejection, even if you maybe try and understand the reasons, it doesn't help. Certainly in my experience, you never really get used to the feeling.

    I think over time though, I've realised I care less about the opinions of total strangers. If it comes from my inner circle, or people in a position where I can value their opinion, then it's a different story.

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  • 1 month ago in reply to Cosmo

    Yeah. If you're used to rejection, even if you maybe try and understand the reasons, it doesn't help. Certainly in my experience, you never really get used to the feeling.

    I think over time though, I've realised I care less about the opinions of total strangers. If it comes from my inner circle, or people in a position where I can value their opinion, then it's a different story.

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