Feel like I'm on the verge of burnout

I feel very similarly to you. Well done for recognising your struggles and trying to address them.

Thank you, Neil. 

It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this experience.

Everything you have said here is completely valid and, I suspect, very recognisable to many autistic people (myself included). I hope your situation improves soon.

Everyone has masks, work face, family face, friend face, socialising face etc, and put them on and take then as needed, but some people like us get confused a to what mask is needed when and worry about what happens when we're authentically ourselves. I don't thiink this is always about those of us who are ASD, but can be a result of long term abuse, social isolation, moving to a totally different culture. I think one of the worst things that can ever be said to someone is, 'this isn't you', when you are finally being authentic, it's so judgemental and disabling. Everyone needs space to be authentically themselves and I'm guessing that for you, you don't have enough of that space?

Crying can be similar to vomiting, an emotional vomit, I think you should allow yourself a really good gut wrenching sob, go on for as long as you need, if you choose someone to be with you, tell them you're having an emotional vomit and you just want them to metaphorically hold your hair out of the way. Treat it like a tummy bug, where you just have to wait until it's all passed through, when you're at the nibble a piece of toast to see if it stays down stage, then maybe you will feel clearer about what's actually upsetting you and what changes can be made.

I think it probably doesn't help that I've not worked in 2.5 years and therefore any skills I'd had with regards to being around other people have been lost.

I'm lucky that I have a therapist but she is the only person I actually talk to in terms of conversations. It has been the case since the beginning of the year - why that is is quite complicated but I needed to put some distance between myself and others.

Thank you, it feels a little better to know I'm not sounding unrelatable.

The regressing thing is definitely getting worse for me, I'm lucky that I still live at home so I get a lot of support, but I'm finding I have to turn to my mum a lot more with things like phone calls. It's like having a personal assistant sometimes, I swear!

Thank you, wishing the best for you, also. I think this community is a good place for getting everything out hearing what others have to say, which is helpful.

Thank you for this, this really did put some things into perspective for me. 

Regarding masking, I'm not sure what masking is now since being diagnosed as an adult. I can't tell what's genuinely me or things I have learned to be able to "exist" in society.

Sick leave is probably a no, the business would tank massively, as I handle a lot of jobs. I know it really isn't my responsibility if I was sick, but I just think it isn't a feasible option. 

What you said regarding acceptance stuck out to me. My boss as lovely and accepting as she is, I always get left feeling like "aww poor you", you know the baby feeling? It's hard to put into words, like they feel bad for me and that its like my disability sticks out a lot in some things with work. 

My main feelings are tearful and exhaustion right now. I'm seeing docs next week regarding getting my post-diagnosis support I was promised 3 yrs ago, whether that will come to anything beneficial, I'm not sure.

You don't sound crazy. What you're describing doesn't sound out of the ordinary when it comes to burnout.

I relate to the feeling of regressing. I spent 13 weeks on a very intense job - 5 days a week, 12 hour days and my health deteriorated and I didn't realise it. Since then, I feel my functioning isn't what it was.

I wish I had any tips but I would, if you can, be kind to yourself and open to those around you (who'll listen, of course) that this is what's going through your head. 

Maybe some of the reasons you listed about not liking your job anymore are why you feel so overwhelmed? You don't have to leave you're current job to look for another, in some way's you're lucky that you don't have to take a job for the sake of it being a job.

Are you masking more than you realise at work? This could leave you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Could you take some sick leave, just some time to get your head together? Is your work as supportive as they sound or do you feel that you ought to be grateful of thier acceptance? I've sometimes found that peoples acceptance can feel quite controlling, and that they sort of creep around me like I'm an unexploded bomb that need placating.

I dont' really have any answers, my reaction to burn out is ussually to run away screaming, head for the hills, only I found that every other mad bugger got here first. But I do find that breaking things down like you would when doing another task, even a list of good points and bad points can help the seemingly unsolvable become clearer. If you were NT I'd ask if you were depressed, being ASD dosen't mean you can't get depressed of course, but I think those of us with ASD are often aware of these discontentments more and are also more likely to be dismissed by others as over reacting and having all the rational things that you listed above listed back at us, that never helpful and feels quite disabling and dismissive, even when, especially when they're right. Only they're not or you wouldn't be feeling as you do, feeling as you do isn't wrong, it just is and you have power and agency with this situation.