Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
my son is 15 and was diagnosed as autistic 3 years ago now. He stopped attending school over a year ago and had been struggling for some time. He very much cares what his friends think and has been deeply devastated by his inability to return to school. he has a lot of anxiety and has become more and more withdrawn. He now no longer leaves his room and doesn’t engage with his family. He doesn’t engage in any schooling, we have tried online and tutors. He won’t watch tv, or do anything in the home. He is on his computer or phone his entire waking hours. He stays up all night and sleeps all day. He doesn’t wash or dress regularly, doesn't do anything at all for himself. He doesn’t engage with CAMHS who think that he has created a new reality for himself which he can cope with, one that he feels safe. I know that he’s depressed and wants more in his life, he used to love to socialise and would come alive when he was with his peers. But he can’t socialise with them now, he has nothing in his life to motivate him. No interests or anything. I have tried everything and I don’t care about school I just want to find some way to help him feel happy and do things. If anyone has had any success with trying to get back to any basic routines from a situation like this I would love to hear about it. I will try anything and do anything! Many thanks
Sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. It is indeed heartbreaking and so difficult to live your own life when your child is so lost and so sad. I hope things get better for you and your son soon. My son is into gaming and I have heard about a kind of mentoring service that builds relationships through gaming. It was set up by a parent who was in a similar situation. Don’t know if that’s something that might be interesting to you but maybe worth a look. It’s called mindjam.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. It has been very helpful to hear your thoughts and I think the idea of a neurodivergent therapist may help if and when he is ready to speak to someone. The standard mental health services often directed contradict what I read about supporting neurodivergent people so I wonder how much harm they do rather than help sometimes. I think there isn’t usually an answer to these difficult situations but your thoughts and insight mean a lot. Thank you
Hi, I’m not sure I can help. It sounds like burnout to me which is something I have experienced before and I’m also struggling with at present. It’s hard to explain but the physical and mental exhaustion can be extreme and it can be very frustrating when you have no energy to do anything and any stress feels like too much. In the past I pushed myself too much and just ended up burn-out again- my current approach is to withdraw and give myself space to rest (I’m taking a break from my PhD) but it is very hard to bear and very frustrating and progress slow. I think with burnout rest is the first thing that needs to happen but it sounds like your son has been having time away from everything for quite a long time? Do you think he might just need some more time? It’s hard to know when to become more active again- i certainly didn’t get it right in the past but what has helped me to get going again is if I have a goal in mind. Is your son a goal oriented person? It doesn’t matter what the goal is as long as it is something he really wants to do - do you think that might help? Maybe try to identify some of things that your son is unhappy with and try to see if one of these factors can be changed or turned into a goal? Have you considered trying to find a neurodivergent therapist? I have no experience with camhs but the adult nhs mental health services are not really equipped to deal with autistic individuals and understanding of burnout (if that is what it is) is poor. I’m currently considering trying to find a therapist who is neurodivergent themself as I’m hoping they might have a better understanding. The other factor to consider is that change can be very difficult for autistic individuals- this means that even when we are stuck in a routine we are unhappy with it can still be very difficult and it can take a long time to get into right mindset to make a change. I’m really sorry that I can’t provide any solution or practical advice. I just felt sad reading your posts and could identify with your son’s experience and thought i would mention a few ideas in case anything is of use.
Hi, I've a 14year old son who's exactly the same he's been out of school for 6years no I home educated him when he allows me, like your son I know mine wants more from life he had all these great ideas he wanted to travel, see new places and try new foods (has a very restrictive diet) and now nothing it's like he's just existing, we don't have chams involvement anymore as they say they "can't help him" it breaks my heart that he's just cooped up in his room with curtains drawn all the time he's just shut out the world and can't seem to find a way back in. I wish I knew what to do to help him