Published on 12, July, 2020
Lights, sounds, smells, everything is extra intolerable lately. I cant seem to make myself do stuff, I cant make decisions. I feel tired and am getting headaches. Words are harder. I keep almost having meltdown/shutdowns (just today I felt like a meltdown every 30min). Im exhausted
I want it all to stop, I want to take a break from everything but I cant. I have homework, I have school, on friday we have an assembly which I always get overwhelmed at but im scared ill have a full on meltdown because I seem to not even be able to handle everyday stimuli so how could I survive a room with hundreds of students with everyone screaming to get hyped for stupid turnabout dance
I started feeling like rubbish for a couple weeks but then the last 3 days have been absolutly unbearable. Why is life so hard
Took me 21min to type this (not even that long of a post...)
Everything you describe is listed as one of the characteristics of autistic burnout listed in this document:
https://committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/117253/pdf/
It isn't going to get any better while you continue to be put under extreme pressure in an unsuitable environment on a daily basis. Something needs to change and you desperately need the kind of adjustments and accommodations described in the post by Natalie above.
I did just fine with the other 10 years of school, so id probably just be making it up or being lazy.
Burnout has a cumulative impact, so all of those 10 years have built up to the point where you are no longer able to function effectively and mask. It is very real and you're not being lazy. Anyone who may think that is completely invalidating your experience of the world.
As this article explains, you're currently in survival mode. The only way out of that is getting the support you need combined with having the demands placed on you reduced.
https://www.barrierstoeducation.co.uk/burnout
^^^ - this!
I went through similar at school when I was your age and it very near killed me. I was exhausted, my pain sensitivity was at max the worst it had ever been and I felt like I was at breaking point.
Do talk to your teacher or counsellor and explain your situation and that you need support with this. How you feel is valid and no one will think you're being lazy or not serious. The teachers can reduce the workload and offer support and help which will reduce your stresses and then you'll start to feel better gradually.
Also talk to us here. The world can be a lonely place for us autists which is why sites like this one exists so we can support each other when times are hard.
Hang in there it will get better for you. We're all here for you x