Published on 12, July, 2020
Today was my first day back to school since my winter break. Yesterday I was nervous because I wasnt sure what things would change and what would stay the same. I wont go into detail of my day because 1, you dont care, and 2, I dont have enough words or will to write about it.
All day I just kept wanting to cry and right now I just wish I didnt have to live (im not su*cidal, I just dont want to). Ive realised that when I have school then im much less happy than when I dont. The thing is that today wasnt even particularly bad in any way, it was just a normal school day: got made fun of a little, anxiety, bright lights, loud shovey rude people, more anxiety. I havent eaten anything all day so maybe thats to do with some of it but I dont feel like eating.
I want to do school. I like learning, I like my teachers and even the students can be fine when they are nice and I can observe them interacting with each other but not me. But every time I have school then I just want to drop out. I wont because im too nervous to talk to whoever you talk to to drop out, and I know ill regret it.
But how the heck did any of you get through school every day? Im a bit nervous to post this because whenever I start talking about my problems then people get annoyed with me and stop being my friend. There must be some NT code about how much negative emotions youre allowed to share or something.
What is good is that your talking about it and recognise something isnt right and that you dont want to drop out. So many of us dropped out of school and didnt understand why we felt the way we did. It was horrible. All i can say this difficult period that i experienced at school, it passed. You are brave and sound determined. You try to hang on in there and you will see the benefits. I bet there are others in your school who feel exactly the same. Can you spot them and open a conversation with them? I wish i had, but i didnt understand what was going on with me x
My english teacher did tell us on the first day of school that Year 11 kids have the highest drop out rate.
I actually havent talked to a student at school since 8th grade. Well some kids have talked to me and ill smile, nod, and shake my head, plus a short awnser if one is needed. So I honestly dont know how to talk to my peers anymore