Published on 12, July, 2020
Today was my first day back to school since my winter break. Yesterday I was nervous because I wasnt sure what things would change and what would stay the same. I wont go into detail of my day because 1, you dont care, and 2, I dont have enough words or will to write about it.
All day I just kept wanting to cry and right now I just wish I didnt have to live (im not su*cidal, I just dont want to). Ive realised that when I have school then im much less happy than when I dont. The thing is that today wasnt even particularly bad in any way, it was just a normal school day: got made fun of a little, anxiety, bright lights, loud shovey rude people, more anxiety. I havent eaten anything all day so maybe thats to do with some of it but I dont feel like eating.
I want to do school. I like learning, I like my teachers and even the students can be fine when they are nice and I can observe them interacting with each other but not me. But every time I have school then I just want to drop out. I wont because im too nervous to talk to whoever you talk to to drop out, and I know ill regret it.
But how the heck did any of you get through school every day? Im a bit nervous to post this because whenever I start talking about my problems then people get annoyed with me and stop being my friend. There must be some NT code about how much negative emotions youre allowed to share or something.
Any NT codes certainly don't apply on here, so feel free to post as much as you like without fear. I posted at length about my own negative experiences of school in a 'school trauma' thread on here.
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/29271/school-trauma
School was a nightmare for me and sadly continues to be for many younger autists. Our experiences of school can result in lasting trauma and mess us up for life. If anyone tries to tell you they are the best days of your life then they simply have no idea what they are talking about.
The aim is to get through it without any lasting damage and get your qualifications. Nothing else matters. The people who cause you so much grief will hopefully never feature in your life again once you leave. If you need accommodations or adjustments, to help your remaining time more tolerable, then try not to be afraid to ask.