Chronic Depression

Hi Everyone, 

Firstly i want to apologise. I feel like i only come on here to moan. Im really not a woe is me type person, or at least i try not to be. Its just from past experience the people here often understand what i mean more than even my own wife. 

Some of you may already know, but i have severe long term depression. I have tried many therapies, several anti depressants, but to no avail. The ups and downs still get me. 

My wife dropped a bombshell yesterday. I thought i have been doing quite well recently. I have felt like maybe i was turning a corner. It turns out that i am so used to feeling this way it it normal for me. 

We were putting up the xmas decorations and i asked if we could finish them another day. I was so fatigued, it was such an effort to be engaged. I said something along the lines of 'i dont know whats the matter, i just dont have any motivation at the moment'. 

She said i have been that way for months. Thinking about it she is right. I go to work and come home. It seems that just getting through the working day uses me up and by the time i get home i dont want to do anything. I have nearly no appetite, and nothing really brings me joy. Sometimes even taking a shower feels like its more than i can manage. 

My wife asked me how i feel about myself and i lied. I said i feel fine. Truth is i hate myself. Ive felt like that for a long time and i want to hurt myself more and more. I want to scar myself (i have many already), as a punishment. I dont know where this self loathing comes from but it has always been with me. I have never felt good enough. 

Anyway the more i think about it the more i realise im not getting better at all. Im actually very unwell. My thoughts have been gravitating towards flirting with suicide again. I have my secret exit kit stashed at work and without really realising it i keep thinking about it and fantasising about using it. 

I dont really know what im asking from you all. I think just telling someone and being honest is maybe what i needed. 

If anyone has had any similar times and doesnt mind sharing id be glad to hear your story. 

Thanks 

Dogtooth