Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Everyone,
Firstly i want to apologise. I feel like i only come on here to moan. Im really not a woe is me type person, or at least i try not to be. Its just from past experience the people here often understand what i mean more than even my own wife.
Some of you may already know, but i have severe long term depression. I have tried many therapies, several anti depressants, but to no avail. The ups and downs still get me.
My wife dropped a bombshell yesterday. I thought i have been doing quite well recently. I have felt like maybe i was turning a corner. It turns out that i am so used to feeling this way it it normal for me.
We were putting up the xmas decorations and i asked if we could finish them another day. I was so fatigued, it was such an effort to be engaged. I said something along the lines of 'i dont know whats the matter, i just dont have any motivation at the moment'.
She said i have been that way for months. Thinking about it she is right. I go to work and come home. It seems that just getting through the working day uses me up and by the time i get home i dont want to do anything. I have nearly no appetite, and nothing really brings me joy. Sometimes even taking a shower feels like its more than i can manage.
My wife asked me how i feel about myself and i lied. I said i feel fine. Truth is i hate myself. Ive felt like that for a long time and i want to hurt myself more and more. I want to scar myself (i have many already), as a punishment. I dont know where this self loathing comes from but it has always been with me. I have never felt good enough.
Anyway the more i think about it the more i realise im not getting better at all. Im actually very unwell. My thoughts have been gravitating towards flirting with suicide again. I have my secret exit kit stashed at work and without really realising it i keep thinking about it and fantasising about using it.
I dont really know what im asking from you all. I think just telling someone and being honest is maybe what i needed.
If anyone has had any similar times and doesnt mind sharing id be glad to hear your story.
Thanks
Dogtooth
Hello everyone,
Im still fighting the good fight, no fear.
I think im just a little disheartened really is all. Ive tried really hard (especially this last year), and done everything recommended by GP's and Psychiatrist. Ive spend soooo much money on various therapies and put in a lot of work. Taken all manner of pills and the other day i just felt like what is the point.
I havent had much in the way of a traumatic past, just the usual stuff that comes with life. So its really hard to understand why i just feel so crappy most of the time. If the world was black and white and my life was analysed then there is no reason at all to feel depressed. I understand it doesnt work like that, its just very tiring some times constantly pushing forwards.
Anyhow. I just wanted to say thank you all again. I appreciate all of you. Hopefully in not too distant a future my rollercoaster will start its climb again and things will be a little easier for a spell.
Or maybe this is a dream and i will wake up in a barn surrounded by goats living my best life. We can dream right?
Heya Dogtooth I’m really sorry that ur feeling this way at the moment. Not a nice place to be when depression sweeps in.
My oldest cousin suffers from depression and has been thru a lot of what ur feeling right now. She said sorry as well and u know what Dogtooth? U don’t need to say sorry to anybody. U didn’t choose to become depressed. It chose u because it sucks and likes to bring awesome people down but cause ur so awesome ur still here fighting and that shows how strong u are.
You’ll get there I swear. U can get thru this for sure don’t let anyone tell u any different. The exit kit must bring u a small comfort, a feeling of control yeh? U don’t need it! Ur in control now and ur still fighting and doing so well. When ur feeling the suffocating pressure of depression you can’t see ur strengths and how well u actually do...
Ur doing so well don’t let this blip get u down. Things get better with time slowly but surely.
Take care and stay strong. We r all rooting for u Dogtooth.
️
Morning DT,
Fwiw, I would not so readily decide that you are "actually very unwell." I think it would be reasonable to say that there is oodles of evidence in my life to suggest that I am "actually very unwell" too, for all manner of reasons, but I choose not to engage with that type of thinking these days. I'm messed up - yes, but I refuse to allow my being to follow the path that this thought could easily lead me to.
I know exactly what you speak of above - I summarise this as self-loathing, no inherent motivation (whatsoever) and a sense of chronic fatigue - all of these things are always with me to some extent. The self-harm in your form is alien to me, but self-harm in my forms, are ever present "risks" in me.
Burnout, for me, comes in two distinct forms.....physical and mental. I can be mentally impaired BEYOND BELIEF at times whilst still managing to do physical things on an autopilot basis. I have also been both physically and mentally broken by burnout before too - I don't wish this on anyone! From what I see of you, I reckon you are feeling a "dip" whilst travelling through a period of prolonged "down." You will start coming up again soon, I'm sure.
Fwiw, I think you may benefit from logging your "cycles." I definitely have these. Unless I make a note of how I feel at any given moment, then I forget the ups and downs and how they "time" with my life. You can probably use your posts here to note some of your lows.......but I strongly suspect that there are plenty of moments when you have felt pretty OK......it is very important to log these too.
Anyhow, no matter why, it is always a pleasure to see you posting here mate. I wish you very well, as always.
Number.
Dear Dogtooth,
I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.
If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support.
If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service:
https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/
The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.
MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.
If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support.
You can find more information here:
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/suicide
Kind Regards,
Rosie Mod
Hi Dogtooth :)
Really really happy to read that today is looking a little brighter than yesterday.
Your online family cares about you and we're all here for you whenever you need us when the darkness hits.
Thinking of you today ^^
Hi everyone,
Thank you all for your replies to my post. I dont feel so alone with this family here.
Something that always surprises me, but in a good way, is how people here i have never met can understand exactly how im feeling better than even the person who loves me the most.
I have been chatting back and forth with a member here and between the messages here and that conversation i got through yesterday. Today doesnt seem so dark, so thats good.
Also i managed not to hurt myself too, so thats a little brucey bonus to boot!!!!
I have had mental health struggles since the age of 13 and I am now 41. I hope that helps you feel less alone.
Hey Dogtooth, as others have said, you need to speak to your GP. Don’t try and get through this on your own.
And please, get rid of the exit kit as soon as you can. You need to remove the risk of an impulsive decision.
Hey Dogtooth,
For what it's worth, I often feel that I do my fair share of moaning here too.
Having read some of the things you have written in these forums in the past, I know that sympathy is often the last thing you want. It's just a need to get things off your chest in a place where your NAS family understands and accepts you.
I am sad that you suffer from severe depression and find yourself in such a bleak place. You have mentioned in the past about your secret exit kit, and I hope to God that it never gets used.
Unless you are a brilliant actor, I suspect your wife knows you well enough to have seen through your "I'm fine" lie. I can understand that maybe you might not feel comfortable telling her exactly how you feel. After all, I imagine she would feel devastated if she knew the true extent of just how depressed you have been feeling. Therefore, if you cannot completely open up to her, then I hope you can at the very least speak to a professional.
On behalf of your NAS family, please take care.
Thank you for your replies.
I appreciate it.
Hi Dogtooth. Unfortunately, I can really identify with your comments. I urge you you to explore the support available through the National Autistic Society and to speak with your GP. I also think indulging in hobbies is excellent advice - give yourself time just for you and your enjoyment. This might involve a conversation with your wife about it being an actual *need* and not just an indulgence. My own 'special interests' (such as setting up an autism YouTube channel) help to drag me through depression. Please look after yourself, and please keep talking here and elsewhere.
Sorry to hear this. I've been through chronic depression in the past and have had lapses and I know how difficult it is to approach it. And you can't just sweep it off and "get over it" like particularly ignorant people claim.
First up, speak to your GP and see what they recommend (I am not a doctor, to be clear).
My advice from my experiences is to approach it with tactics that'll alleviate it:
Try and focus on positive things, indulge in your hobbies, get new hobbies. Things like that.
I always encourage autistic people to take up juggling, it genuinely does help as it takes your mind off things and develops out your brain matter.
Tetris has similar results: https://tetris.com/article/4/the-therapeutic-benefits-of-tetris. Play that daily.
Not that the above will remove the depression, but if you can be proactive in alleviating it that's a start. As if you wallow in it and do nothing then it will continue to overwhelm you.