Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Everyone,
Firstly i want to apologise. I feel like i only come on here to moan. Im really not a woe is me type person, or at least i try not to be. Its just from past experience the people here often understand what i mean more than even my own wife.
Some of you may already know, but i have severe long term depression. I have tried many therapies, several anti depressants, but to no avail. The ups and downs still get me.
My wife dropped a bombshell yesterday. I thought i have been doing quite well recently. I have felt like maybe i was turning a corner. It turns out that i am so used to feeling this way it it normal for me.
We were putting up the xmas decorations and i asked if we could finish them another day. I was so fatigued, it was such an effort to be engaged. I said something along the lines of 'i dont know whats the matter, i just dont have any motivation at the moment'.
She said i have been that way for months. Thinking about it she is right. I go to work and come home. It seems that just getting through the working day uses me up and by the time i get home i dont want to do anything. I have nearly no appetite, and nothing really brings me joy. Sometimes even taking a shower feels like its more than i can manage.
My wife asked me how i feel about myself and i lied. I said i feel fine. Truth is i hate myself. Ive felt like that for a long time and i want to hurt myself more and more. I want to scar myself (i have many already), as a punishment. I dont know where this self loathing comes from but it has always been with me. I have never felt good enough.
Anyway the more i think about it the more i realise im not getting better at all. Im actually very unwell. My thoughts have been gravitating towards flirting with suicide again. I have my secret exit kit stashed at work and without really realising it i keep thinking about it and fantasising about using it.
I dont really know what im asking from you all. I think just telling someone and being honest is maybe what i needed.
If anyone has had any similar times and doesnt mind sharing id be glad to hear your story.
Thanks
Dogtooth
Morning DT,
Fwiw, I would not so readily decide that you are "actually very unwell." I think it would be reasonable to say that there is oodles of evidence in my life to suggest that I am "actually very unwell" too, for all manner of reasons, but I choose not to engage with that type of thinking these days. I'm messed up - yes, but I refuse to allow my being to follow the path that this thought could easily lead me to.
I know exactly what you speak of above - I summarise this as self-loathing, no inherent motivation (whatsoever) and a sense of chronic fatigue - all of these things are always with me to some extent. The self-harm in your form is alien to me, but self-harm in my forms, are ever present "risks" in me.
Burnout, for me, comes in two distinct forms.....physical and mental. I can be mentally impaired BEYOND BELIEF at times whilst still managing to do physical things on an autopilot basis. I have also been both physically and mentally broken by burnout before too - I don't wish this on anyone! From what I see of you, I reckon you are feeling a "dip" whilst travelling through a period of prolonged "down." You will start coming up again soon, I'm sure.
Fwiw, I think you may benefit from logging your "cycles." I definitely have these. Unless I make a note of how I feel at any given moment, then I forget the ups and downs and how they "time" with my life. You can probably use your posts here to note some of your lows.......but I strongly suspect that there are plenty of moments when you have felt pretty OK......it is very important to log these too.
Anyhow, no matter why, it is always a pleasure to see you posting here mate. I wish you very well, as always.
Number.