Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Everyone,
Firstly i want to apologise. I feel like i only come on here to moan. Im really not a woe is me type person, or at least i try not to be. Its just from past experience the people here often understand what i mean more than even my own wife.
Some of you may already know, but i have severe long term depression. I have tried many therapies, several anti depressants, but to no avail. The ups and downs still get me.
My wife dropped a bombshell yesterday. I thought i have been doing quite well recently. I have felt like maybe i was turning a corner. It turns out that i am so used to feeling this way it it normal for me.
We were putting up the xmas decorations and i asked if we could finish them another day. I was so fatigued, it was such an effort to be engaged. I said something along the lines of 'i dont know whats the matter, i just dont have any motivation at the moment'.
She said i have been that way for months. Thinking about it she is right. I go to work and come home. It seems that just getting through the working day uses me up and by the time i get home i dont want to do anything. I have nearly no appetite, and nothing really brings me joy. Sometimes even taking a shower feels like its more than i can manage.
My wife asked me how i feel about myself and i lied. I said i feel fine. Truth is i hate myself. Ive felt like that for a long time and i want to hurt myself more and more. I want to scar myself (i have many already), as a punishment. I dont know where this self loathing comes from but it has always been with me. I have never felt good enough.
Anyway the more i think about it the more i realise im not getting better at all. Im actually very unwell. My thoughts have been gravitating towards flirting with suicide again. I have my secret exit kit stashed at work and without really realising it i keep thinking about it and fantasising about using it.
I dont really know what im asking from you all. I think just telling someone and being honest is maybe what i needed.
If anyone has had any similar times and doesnt mind sharing id be glad to hear your story.
Thanks
Dogtooth
Dear Dogtooth,
I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.
If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support.
If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service:
https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/
The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.
MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.
If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support.
You can find more information here:
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/suicide
Kind Regards,
Rosie Mod