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Chronic Depression

Dogtooth
9 months ago

Hi Everyone, 

Firstly i want to apologise. I feel like i only come on here to moan. Im really not a woe is me type person, or at least i try not to be. Its just from past experience the people here often understand what i mean more than even my own wife. 

Some of you may already know, but i have severe long term depression. I have tried many therapies, several anti depressants, but to no avail. The ups and downs still get me. 

My wife dropped a bombshell yesterday. I thought i have been doing quite well recently. I have felt like maybe i was turning a corner. It turns out that i am so used to feeling this way it it normal for me. 

We were putting up the xmas decorations and i asked if we could finish them another day. I was so fatigued, it was such an effort to be engaged. I said something along the lines of 'i dont know whats the matter, i just dont have any motivation at the moment'. 

She said i have been that way for months. Thinking about it she is right. I go to work and come home. It seems that just getting through the working day uses me up and by the time i get home i dont want to do anything. I have nearly no appetite, and nothing really brings me joy. Sometimes even taking a shower feels like its more than i can manage. 

My wife asked me how i feel about myself and i lied. I said i feel fine. Truth is i hate myself. Ive felt like that for a long time and i want to hurt myself more and more. I want to scar myself (i have many already), as a punishment. I dont know where this self loathing comes from but it has always been with me. I have never felt good enough. 

Anyway the more i think about it the more i realise im not getting better at all. Im actually very unwell. My thoughts have been gravitating towards flirting with suicide again. I have my secret exit kit stashed at work and without really realising it i keep thinking about it and fantasising about using it. 

I dont really know what im asking from you all. I think just telling someone and being honest is maybe what i needed. 

If anyone has had any similar times and doesnt mind sharing id be glad to hear your story. 

Thanks 

Dogtooth

Parents
  • 9 months ago

    Sorry to hear this. I've been through chronic depression in the past and have had lapses and I know how difficult it is to approach it. And you can't just sweep it off and "get over it" like particularly ignorant people claim.

    First up, speak to your GP and see what they recommend (I am not a doctor, to be clear).

    My advice from my experiences is to approach it with tactics that'll alleviate it:

    • Healthy diet
    • Regular exercise (intensive cycling is great for this)
    • Fun hobbies
    • Regular walking (at least 30 minutes a day)
    • Trips into the countryside
    • Don't drink alcohol (it'll make things worse in the long-term)
    • Stick to a routine
    • Drink lots of herbal tea
    • Engage in escapism (films, video games, reading etc.)

    Try and focus on positive things, indulge in your hobbies, get new hobbies. Things like that. 

    I always encourage autistic people to take up juggling, it genuinely does help as it takes your mind off things and develops out your brain matter.

    Tetris has similar results: https://tetris.com/article/4/the-therapeutic-benefits-of-tetris. Play that daily.

    Not that the above will remove the depression, but if you can be proactive in alleviating it that's a start. As if you wallow in it and do nothing then it will continue to overwhelm you.

Reply
  • 9 months ago

    Sorry to hear this. I've been through chronic depression in the past and have had lapses and I know how difficult it is to approach it. And you can't just sweep it off and "get over it" like particularly ignorant people claim.

    First up, speak to your GP and see what they recommend (I am not a doctor, to be clear).

    My advice from my experiences is to approach it with tactics that'll alleviate it:

    • Healthy diet
    • Regular exercise (intensive cycling is great for this)
    • Fun hobbies
    • Regular walking (at least 30 minutes a day)
    • Trips into the countryside
    • Don't drink alcohol (it'll make things worse in the long-term)
    • Stick to a routine
    • Drink lots of herbal tea
    • Engage in escapism (films, video games, reading etc.)

    Try and focus on positive things, indulge in your hobbies, get new hobbies. Things like that. 

    I always encourage autistic people to take up juggling, it genuinely does help as it takes your mind off things and develops out your brain matter.

    Tetris has similar results: https://tetris.com/article/4/the-therapeutic-benefits-of-tetris. Play that daily.

    Not that the above will remove the depression, but if you can be proactive in alleviating it that's a start. As if you wallow in it and do nothing then it will continue to overwhelm you.

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