Trying to move on

Hi Laura,

You have already moved on from that bullying.

What you are now dealing with now, is the resultant trauma and self-doubt caused by that old bullying.

I think that distinction is worth remembering......so you can address the actual current "issue" in the best way possible.

If you were still being actively tormented by those asshats who were bullying you, my advice and observations would be different, because then this would be about the "management" of other people.  As it now stands, I think your challenge is with the "management" of your own processing of feelings and worries brought about by "past events."

We cannot change the past - only the present, and the future.

So.....I hope the above is useful to you in a conceptual sense.....but in terms of how to cope NOW....I can only offer you information about what my life has taught me about bullies.  THEY are the ones who can (and normally do) really suffer, whilst the ones who have suffered at their hands / mouths, normally blossom into kick-ass humans who are strong, kind, wise, realistic, balanced, calm and good.

I know that sound ridiculous, but it is what my life history has taught me (and for the avoidance of doubt, I was neither bullied nor was a bully myself......but I am a natural-born observer and assessor.....and "follow-up" on matters that interest me.)  I know of what I speak.

I do know that some people who are bullied don't make it through.  Make sure, dear Laura, that you don't become one of those.  Stay strong, and above all, stay sane please !

Do not worry yourself that you are thinking (a lot) about what happened to you - and why .....personally, I think that is both inevitable and probably quite healthy in many respects.  I suspect the key to feeling better now, is altering "HOW" you think about what happened to you.

So when you think about it now, rather than reversing the clock back to the past, and viewing yourself under attack........try winding the clock forward.  Picture this;

12 years in the future - a gaggle of your old bullies, together at a bus stop.....a bit drunk, very loud and acting like asshats still......and they are starting to goad and get unpleasant with a young couple who are trying to mind their own business. But your old bullies still haven't learned their lesson yet.....that unpleasant and mean asshats get OWNED......so they carry on getting louder and more offence towards the young couple.....bullying them  Finally, one of your bullies aggressively shoves the young couple........at which point, out comes a warrant card (police ID) and all of your bullies are arrested for affray.  Two days later, your bullies are back at their place of work, explaining to their boss that they missed work because they got themselves arrested for "larking around" and how it was "so unfair" and how "we were only having a laugh" and how it would be "ridiculous" to fire them.  At that moment, the daughter of the boss walks in and that daughter is one half of that couple who had been stood at that bus stop.  SWEET, SWEET natural justice !!!  No job, no reference from their past employer to get another one, and a police record.

Those asshat bullies of yours, will get their comeuppance, the longer it takes, the worse it will be for them.  In the meanwhile, you will only be growing stronger each day and becoming kinder, wiser and a better human - and I know this FOR A FACT based on your post above.  You are all right Laura, just please stay sane whilst you continue to process these matters.

Very warm and best wishes to you.

Number.

I grew up with a sibling who was the school bully, and at home they were no different. I lived with the bully 24 /7 from childhood until adulthood. I was physically and mentally abused, and that is the "nicest way" I can write it down, the other option being to erase everything I wrote and just not talk about it at all. I've had rumors spread about me within the family. It's not fun. 

When I was a child, I would ruminate on what I could have done differently for hours, days, weeks, etc. and the ruminations lasted for years. I think it's mainly because when I was being bullied, I either thought too slowly and let the bully dominate, or I just didn't say or do what I wanted during the time because of fear, and I emded to having regrets, that I "should have" said or done this or that to the bully, but I didn't.

I started ruminating less when my thoughts and actions started to align, and I did and said what was thought and felt was right for me, despite that it might have negative consequences or reactions from other people, but those are consequences I was willing to take,  if it meant that I was doing the right thing for myself. 

If I managed to move on,  even after decades of living with the school bully, then I think that other people can figure something out.

‘And they say that you should move on, But you can’t even get your shoes on’ 

Betrayal by those we loved and trusted most leaves deep scars. Huge trauma. The healing process is not fully linear - a small trigger or stray thought might have you right back there post-morteming it all and feeling upset for hours. But even if it feels like going in circles, it’s really a spiral - which is conceptually a corkscrewed line. You’re still making progress just by giving it processing time, but less and less often. Almost imperceptibly at first. Glad things are better for you now, hopefully life will keep being kinder to you. 

yeah i always thought about it, but as you move on and get more experiences the new stuff sorta overlaps and noises the old out.
you may still think back on events though even then, likely with new updated perspective on it each time. you may hear of or see one of your bullies in the future then probably feel happier as you realise they usually end up becoming druggies or getting arrested or something. any of their tag alongs or followers usually being failures too but trying to make out they are not and still trying to talk down about you perhaps. i had one talk down to me and make a comment about me not working or not paying tax, well i work and have my own place now while he still lives in his parents and never moved lol so yeah you pass these people rather easily because they are trash.

perhaps them bullying and talking down to others is their way of coping with that, they have to speak down to others and project their own trashiness onto others so that they dont feel as trash as they are perhaps?

Thank you! This really put things into perspective for me sometimes it’s so easy to get bogged down in thought trains!

Hi Lauren,

im so sorry that you experienced bullying at school, that must have been such a difficult experience and it’s so wonderful that you are having a much better time of it at college. 
It’s the bullies that are intrinsically damaged - that’s why they bully. You were just unlucky enough to have stumbled across those dysfunctional and damaged people, and to have become the focus of their horrible behaviour. 
But they are gone now - thank goodness. So it’s time for you to recognise that they are now just memories from your past - and you can ‘let them go’. 
Things have changed for you so please don’t let the past and those toxic bullies ruin the present. The past has gone - wave it goodbye and enjoy the present. Live in the moment - this moment. Let the past go. Be at peace with it, accept that it was challenging, but now that period of your life is OVER, it has GONE. 
I’m so happy for you that life is now better for you :)