Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't get out very much at all.
But I went into town yesterday morning and by lunch I had a headache, by the evening I was exhausted and by bed I was feeling pain in the abdomen, chest, everywhere really and at 2 I woke up with the worst acid reflux (a regular occurrence for me)... all caused by anxiety and all because I went out yesterday.
This I find it so frustrating and a little upsetting and embarrassing. I don't go out much because the idea of people and public places is terrifying to me, sometimes I drive to the shop but get filled with so much dread and fear I can't actually get out the car and end up going back home. But yesterday I was brave - I persisted.
I knew I would suffer for it afterwards. I always do. I can look forward to today with more acid reflux and pain.
Sometimes, I really hate myself for being like this.
Anxiety is a constant battle and it can manifest in all kinds of physical ways. I too suffer afterwards if I put myself into a busy and noisy environment. I can almost guarantee the following few days will be a complete write off due to a migraine and digestive pain.
However I can go hiking for a day, solo in a quiet stress free environment, and be completely fine afterwards. It's not necessarily about 'going out' but more about working out where and when to go to avoid being drained. Some environments will drain you while others, like being in nature, might energise you.
What I find helps with going shopping is always wearing earplugs. Blocking out much of the noise really helps. I did not realise how much of my 'anxiety' was due to sensory overload until I started to do this. There is also the added benefit that if I cannot hear people I am less aware of them and I can focus solely on where am going and what I need to buy.
Likewise if you are sensitive to light then wearing tinted glasses and a baseball cap can help when out shopping.
There is no need to hate yourself for being like this. It is part of being autistic and not your fault. A book that really helped me was "Avoiding Anxiety in Autistic Adults" by Dr Luke Beardon.
I enjoy hiking. Rewarding and interesting is what I find, good if you have a camera as well so you can make a journal of your hike, what you saw and did etc etc.
If you ever go to Wales Abergavenny I recommend hiking up the Sugar Loaf Mountain. A lot of people start by the Vineyards I prefer the more scenic country route of going up an old farm and going that way.
I take a picnic with me when I go hiking as well.