Published on 12, July, 2020
I've come to this realisation today sat in the library of my old university that the trajectory of my life is that I will be forgotten and die alone. This is where inertia seems to be taking me. Around me I see students making friends, sharing drinks, laughing. I am forgotten. connectionless. My few friends are either distant, busy or suicidal. My family is restless and leaving me behind. I have no wife, girlfriend or children. No one shares my interests, no one gets me. No one who is available, connectable that is. All I have is my science. It's the only thing I've been able to hang on to and even that has been a huge struggle.
Even if I am successful by normal career metrics I will most likely die alone and friendless, a lonely old university 'don.' The people I thought I would grow old with when I was younger will forget me, many will not even hear of my passing when it comes. They have their wives, husbands, serious others, a few of them have 'besties' of 'bffs.' Platonic friends they seemed joined at the hip to. Evidently, they all decided that shouldn't be me. Many have just disappeared. Even their Facebook pages deleted, almost nothing to show they were ever a part of my life.
I am tired of trying to be strong. I’m tired of trying to be good and take the moral high ground. But I don’t know how to be bad and even if I did it’s too late to do me any good. Lives of selfish and destructive indulgence are a young mans game and every day my body seems to betray me a little more. For years I tried to just pretend I wasn’t getting old. That nothing had changed since I was 18 or so. I probably still will as well as I can.
No councillor can help me. No program of inner healing or self-reflection can fix this mess. I need my circumstances to change. And no body cares. How could they, they barely know I exists and when I remind them of my existence the usual reaction is to try to sideline or exclude me as quickly as possible.
I need to do something radical. To pick the nuclear option, other wise my life will spiral down the plug hole unless a deus ex machina intervenes. But I’ve no idea what the nuclear option is.
Ideas?
I am feeling the same. Tired, not belonging, sad, confused. I dont know who i am. I have very few people in my life, but some of that is down to me not maintaing contact and reaching out. Im alone. Day after day nothingness. So i try to get comfirt from my home and my dog, kittle things. I have no motivation. Im done with trying. Its lonely.
No doubt many of us are soon forgotton just like we forget ithers. What a strange existence.
No idea what the nuclear option is sorry. X
I still don’t understand why there isn’t some kind of thing set up to help autistic people make friends with other autistic people. It seems so many of us are wanting to have friends, and I think autistic people find it easier to get on with other autistic people. Maybe things like this do exist but I’m not aware of them. My youngest son (who is an adult now) really wants to have friends and a girlfriend but has left college now and has no way of meeting people (that he can face doing anyway). I’m lucky because I met my husband at college - if it wasn’t for that I’d probably be completely alone now. My husband has many autistic traits and we get on so well, but neither of us have any close friends - just people we occasionally email who we used to know at college.
So services like this do exist but they’re very sparsely dotted around the country and almost exclusively aimed at low functioning autistic people people who would struggle to say go out to the shops without someone to hold their hand.
A lot of them are really aimed at people with learning disabilities and I run by non-autistic people.
people with Asperger’s/higher functioning autism typically fall into one of three camps. 1: people who are found a social niche that allows them to socialise with Neurotypicals, 2: people who are so introverted but they’re happy living in a state of extreme social isolation. 3: autistic people who desperately want to social life but are so weird that they just don’t fit in in most places and for that same reason struggle to galvanise other people to cooperate with them to make anything happen in terms of community action.
I would classify myself in group 3. I’ve suggested before that an organisation run by autistic people for autistic people could operate the sorts of services but I don’t think that will ever get them otherwise. And peoples responses to my suggestions have largely been but even if we could find the resources it would be a waste of resources.
Peter. I would simply encourage you to try some of these things that may well, on the surface, be tedious or uninteresting. What do you have to loose? Sometimes, you have to be tenacious...try, try and try again.
Your current feelings, beliefs and thinking are making you miserable - so just try to suspend your disbelief that ANYTHING will help.....and try SOMETHING(s) again?
Sorry to bang on......but I genuinely share your desire for you to be happier. You are valued here.
Very best wishes - Number.
Fair point. I think the issues are soon becoming apparent even in this short conversation! I still don’t think it’s an impossible thing to set up though.
I can only speak for myself but I can't imagin much as tedious as walking. I think a lot of autistic people are indoors types. It's usually a special interest that brings us together. A particular kind of tv show, or an obscure topic of study.Video games etc. The emhasis is on the 'special' in special interest. How many special out door activaties can you think of? Not a lot I'm guessing. And the ones there are tend to require special equipment like say rock climbing. About the only out door 'special intrest' thing that comes to mind is quidich.
What about walking groups? Where people could meet up outside?