finding the nuclear option.

I am feeling the same. Tired, not belonging, sad, confused. I dont know who i am. I have very few people in my life, but some of that is down to me not maintaing contact and reaching out. Im alone. Day after day nothingness. So i try to get comfirt from my home and my dog, kittle things. I have no motivation. Im done with trying. Its lonely. 

No doubt many of us are soon forgotton  just like we forget ithers. What a strange existence. 

No idea what the nuclear option is sorry. X

I still don’t understand why there isn’t some kind of thing set up to help autistic people make friends with other autistic people. It seems so many of us are wanting to have friends, and I think autistic people find it easier to get on with other autistic people. Maybe things like this do exist but I’m not aware of them. My youngest son (who is an adult now) really wants to have friends and a girlfriend but has left college now and has no way of meeting people (that he can face doing anyway). I’m lucky because I met my husband at college - if it wasn’t for that I’d probably be completely alone now. My husband has many autistic traits and we get on so well, but neither of us have any close friends - just people we occasionally email who we used to know at college. 

So services like this do exist but they’re very sparsely dotted around the country and almost exclusively aimed at low functioning autistic people people who would struggle to say go out to the shops without someone to hold their hand.

A lot of them are really aimed at people with learning disabilities and I run by non-autistic people.

people with Asperger’s/higher functioning autism typically fall into one of three camps. 1: people who are found a social niche that allows them to socialise with Neurotypicals, 2: people who are so introverted but they’re happy living in a state of extreme social isolation. 3: autistic people who desperately want to social life but are so weird that they just don’t fit in in most places and for that same reason struggle to galvanise other people to cooperate with them to make anything happen in terms of community action.

I would classify myself in group 3. I’ve suggested before that an organisation run by autistic people for autistic people could operate the sorts of services but I don’t think that will ever get them otherwise. And peoples responses to my suggestions have largely been but even if we could find the resources it would be a waste of resources.

So services like this do exist but they’re very sparsely dotted around the country and almost exclusively aimed at low functioning autistic people people who would struggle to say go out to the shops without someone to hold their hand.

A lot of them are really aimed at people with learning disabilities and I run by non-autistic people.

people with Asperger’s/higher functioning autism typically fall into one of three camps. 1: people who are found a social niche that allows them to socialise with Neurotypicals, 2: people who are so introverted but they’re happy living in a state of extreme social isolation. 3: autistic people who desperately want to social life but are so weird that they just don’t fit in in most places and for that same reason struggle to galvanise other people to cooperate with them to make anything happen in terms of community action.

I would classify myself in group 3. I’ve suggested before that an organisation run by autistic people for autistic people could operate the sorts of services but I don’t think that will ever get them otherwise. And peoples responses to my suggestions have largely been but even if we could find the resources it would be a waste of resources.

Peter.  I would simply encourage you to try some of these things that may well, on the surface, be tedious or uninteresting.  What do you have to loose?  Sometimes, you have to be tenacious...try, try and try again. 

Your current feelings, beliefs and thinking are making you miserable - so just try to suspend your disbelief that ANYTHING will help.....and try SOMETHING(s) again?

Sorry to bang on......but I genuinely share your desire for you to be happier.  You are valued here.

Very best wishes - Number.

Fair point. I think the issues are soon becoming apparent even in this short conversation! I still don’t think it’s an impossible thing to set up though. 

I can only speak for myself but I can't imagin much as tedious as walking. I think a lot of autistic people are indoors types. It's usually a special interest that brings us together. A particular kind of tv show, or an obscure topic of study.Video games etc. The emhasis is on the 'special' in special interest. How many special out door activaties can you think of? Not a lot I'm guessing. And the ones there are tend to require special equipment like say rock climbing. About the only out door 'special intrest' thing that comes to mind is quidich.

What about walking groups? Where people could meet up outside? 

Actually I think the problem is that it requires a local approach. In much the same way but student unions are local organisations. Most student unions offer two things to the students. A set of centralised services quite a lot of which have an overlap with the university services or the services of local business. And secondly they offer support to special interest groups run by students for students. That’s where a lot of the social side of student unions exists in these clubs and societies.

The most important thing that they provide is a free venue in which the club or society can run its meetings. they also provide some free administrative assistance, liability insurance, if the worst comes to the worst legal assistance, free marketing and publicity.

but as someone has tried to set up a small club themselves I’ll tell you the hardest thing is the venue. Especially venues available in the evening when a lot of community centres have either closed up shop or are fully booked.

I go to a monthly local autism meeting which is basically just a handful of autistic people meeting around a desk chatting about random stuff. But they’re only able to get that room for just over an hour and only because a local counsellor made a fuss for them.

to make the student union model work you need to either rent or buy a local venue that you can make available for special interest groups.

That sounds like a great idea to be honest. I think maybe what’s needed is a national organisation that has good safeguarding etc that autistic people can trust. Ironically we are conversing on the website of an organisation that could do exactly that - or at least have some involvement in such a thing. And funding should be achievable if the right people were involved + some government funding. It can’t be completely beyond the wit of humankind to get such a thing up and running. 

I suggested creating an autistic union. Something patterned off a student union but open to all autistic people. But when I tried to get other autistic people interested I was told no charity would possibly fund it and even if they would it’s a waste of resources which should be spent on people who have real needs like learning disabilities and getting out to the shops.

Thanks Iain. Yes - I hope he will eventually be able to take steps towards that. At the moment he’s so averse to even the idea of contact with other people. But I’m hopeful because I know he wants to connect with people - and that’s the start isn’t it? As a family we get on so well - but of course one day (far off in the future hopefully) we won’t be here - and I can’t bear to think of him not having love and friendship in his life. He’s such a wonderful person, bright, funny, so kind and such wonderful company. He has such a lot to offer as a person - he just needs to find the courage to get out there.

Kate Kestrel said:

He definitely wants friends and a girlfriend - he doesn’t want to live an isolated life. But how? If I suggest volunteering and things like that he finds it really intimidating.

The trick is to make him think it is his idea, then he will be willing to take the intimidating steps.

Maybe sit down and have a brainstorming session with him to talk through options - you can research local charities that align with some of his interests (if possible) and in the discussion get him to list things he is interested in and if he is able to come up with something that aligns then say "thats a good idea of yours - there is a charity that might just be a match.

Get him to do some general research into them while you actually talk to them, see if they have someone on the team who has experience with autism who could speak to your son and you can get the together for a chat somewhere he feels comfortable.

Try to treat it as it it is all his doing and you are just helping things along - this should give him the feeling of ownership that will be important for it to stick.

All good old fashioned "headology" as Terry Pratchett would put it.

Yes - I think sometimes it’s more tricky to find support/groups etc at the ‘high functioning’ (for want of a better term) end of the spectrum - my youngest son is in this position really. My eldest found a neurodiverse group of friends at Uni (and a girlfriend in the same group) - and has continued to keep friendly with them. My youngest did not manage to form friendships at school/college - largely due to having Selective Mutism in addition to autism. And now he’s left college he has no way of meeting anyone. He’s very bright and has a great sense of humour, but has extreme social anxiety. He definitely wants friends and a girlfriend - he doesn’t want to live an isolated life. But how? If I suggest volunteering and things like that he finds it really intimidating. It’s very difficult.