current

Many thanks for the links, your clarity, and your support. (And thanks for the advice about the spam filters!)

Your post has been released from the clutches of our resident spam eater. Quoting someone more than 3 times does tend to increase the risk of it being triggered.

It's good to know you found my reply helpful in explaining to your parents.

James said:

I cannot fathom how I managed to deal with so much change and flux and uncertainty

I guess it's similar to what can happen in times of crisis, the adrenaline kicks in and gives the power to keep going. It's only afterwards that the reality of what just happened finally hits and the body doesn't always seem to know when to switch off those stress hormones.

James said:

Do you recommend this to become a constant (the mindful thinking?)

Autistic brains tend to be monotropic and work best when able to focus on one thing at a time. Therefore if you can get into the habit of noticing when your mind is wandering and bringing it back it more effectively harnesses the power of the monotropic brain.

https://emergentdivergence.com/2022/07/14/guest-post-what-is-monotropic-split/

Planning for the future is something that will need to happen at some stage but only you can know when you are ready. If you attempt too much too quickly there is a danger of entering a burnout cycle. Each successive burnout will be harder to recover from.

This website has some advice on what helps with autistic burnout. It is aimed at autistic young people but the main points apply to any age.

https://autismunderstood.co.uk/struggling-as-an-autistic-person/autistic-burnout-what-helps/

The reason I have mentioned it is because it states:

"PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE

This comes last, but people always want to do it first! It makes sense to want to get straight back on track when you experience burnout, but unfortunately it is a much slower process.

When you are ready, you can plan for the future."

It sounds like me when I was in burnout. I didn't know what it was at the time. Confusion on what it was and lack of understanding from professionals made it all worse. I had been on high alert for many many years then certain things tipped me over the edge. What also added to it was a sense of things I "should" be doing. 

It can do for some people. This article from here on the NAS website states "Some people related an increase in suicidal ideation and suicidal behaviour".

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autistic-burnout

It is also possible for autistic burnout to lead to depression. Particularly if the person loses ability and regresses to the extent they can no longer function to engage in their interests. Autistic people are hugely motivated by their interests and without them life can seem meaningless.

The distinction between burnout and depression is certainly not clear cut. It doesn't help that the medical profession currently does not recognise autistic burnout. There is a petition online somewhere to try and get that changed.

My personal view (others may disagree or experience it differently) is that if the autistic person still maintains a desire to engage in their interests, even if they do not have sufficient functioning to do so, then that points towards burnout. If the person loses interest in everything they used to enjoy then that can be an indicator of depression.

Personally the only time I have experienced significant and prolonged suicidal ideation was when I was put on antidepressants to 'treat my anxiety'.

If you are experiencing that and there is any risk that you may act on those thoughts then please do seek support.

The spam filter can be very sensitive and it is frustrating when you've typed out a long reply.

If you submit the appeal form (which you should have received by email or it's in your notifications) then a real human will look at the post and approve it.

Then enjoy this field. Discuss it with people. A good friend became interested in statistics, talked about it to a staff member, and now has the next few years of his life mapped out following what he enjoys. Maybe a similar option could appear for you.

Iain Many thanks for this; I'm not at this stage yet but I will get there. 

Sorry for the difficult question - but does autistic burnout include suicide idealisation? 

James said:

The future though scares me: I can't imagine anything. A complete blank. I used to have all sorts of ideas and drives and motivation, but it's nothing.

One technique to help with this is mind mapping - basically take a big sheet of paper, in the centre write The Future and circle it (leave plenty of space all around this.

Now for each of the ideas you had before, write outside the central circle and then circle this new entry. Repeat until you have sattelite bubbles of all the ideas from before. Leave space for new ideas.

For each of these you can do a separate sheet of paper and repeat the process but this time the sattelite bubbles contain the different aspects of the future path for that item.

Basically you are dumping all the possibilities you have thought about out of your head and onto paper so you can stop thinking about them and can just glance at the first diagram to see all the possible routes, whether discounted by you or not.

By seeing them this way you have an easy way to see that there are plenty of options open to you, each of which you have detailed in enough depth that if you want to get serious about it, you have done the hard work of thinking it through. No longer is it an empty room but a room with many doors leading to well reasoned and planned destinations.

I used to find a lot of my anxiety was about not having though things through and would constantly replay scenarios in my mind and dreams that once captured could be let go of to give me peace.

Autonomistic has caught pretty much everything else already so I'll leave my reply at this.

Good luck.

I used to think statistics was me but it became quite difficult to keep track of all of the Greek letters and the equations and meanings... Pure is where I'm happy right now. Especially vector spaces and graphs.

Is there a particular field of maths that you find interesting?

You are welcome. I'm doing ok thanks mate, taking things one day at a time. I hope you will be feeling better soon.

Difficult! But interesting at the same time.

Thanks Autist. Hope you are feeling better.

boopBrownie - off-topic, but how are you finding the maths?

Hello James. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I can relate to much of what you say, living with my parents, terrible anxiety, depression, insomnia and feeling the physical, mental and emotional effects all at the same time. It's exhausting. Never a moments peace to help myself catch up and heal.

I'm sorry I don't have any useful tips for you but I thought it might help for you to know you aren't alone.

I look at this sometimes when I feel low. It can help. It might be useful for you as well friend.

(I wrote a lengthy thanks for this really helpful, thoughtful, and deeply humane answer, but it was flagged somehow as spam.

This reply is immensely helpful for many reasons)

Autonomistic, this is a really helpful reply - and it is quite emotional to receive a message so full of support and suggestions and understanding. You have my thanks. And thank you too for writing in such a way that I could share it with my parents so they could understand - and see - what is currently happening. You gave them understanding, and they now see and sympathise with what I am going through in a way we all did not force. I thank you deeply for that as well. And thank your for your words, suggestions, and links that I am sure will assist others too. Given how the day started, I would not have expected a moment of sending many thanks. (so many thanks)

Autonomistic said:

Your experience sounds not dissimilar to what happened to me.

Please do not take this wrongly, but it is reassuring that others like you have had similar experiences. Particularly when it appears you have overcome - or deal with better - its appearance. 

Autonomistic said:

You have been through a lot of change recently, moving country and leaving your job. Autists struggle to adapt to change. We also struggle with uncertainty and it sounds like you have a lot of that also. The future will likely seem overwhelming when the options are endless

Yes. Thank you for saying this so clearly. I don't mean this as a boast, but I cannot fathom how I managed to deal with so much change and flux and uncertainty. Thank you for putting it in perspective.

Autonomistic said:

in this article

Thanks for the links. I have a friend who seems to be in a similar situation, and they, and your answer, will be a great help.

Autonomistic said:

The comments people are making could be making you believe that you should be doing something. You don't need to do anything right now unless you want to. You have stated that you are in the position you wanted to be.

Thanks for saying this clearly. Lives might be better if that word should disappeared.

Autonomistic said:

This is something that mindful thinking may help with. If you find your thoughts about the future are scaring you then don't go there at all. Try to concentrate on the present and your recovery. The future will evolve once you are in a better place.

Thank you for this. Am trying. Do you recommend this to become a constant (the mindful thinking?)

Autonomistic said:

If you have spent a long time devoted to your job you may not have intense interests to fall back on. I would suggest something non demanding, a small project to focus your mind in the short term. Maybe you could try some of the free courses available online (Future Learn, Open University, etc) without any commitment needed

Thanks for the recommendation. 

Again, thanks Autonomistic

I feel like this a bit sometimes, mainly because of my anxiety. I'm going into my third year studying maths at university and I absolutely hate it when people ask me what job I want to do when I graduate. I literally have no idea! I always wanted to be an author but now I have no clue...

Your experience sounds not dissimilar to what happened to me. I pushed myself so hard for so many years, masking all the time and constantly in an anxious state on a daily basis. I finally burnt out and had to give up work. However even when the constant pressures of work were no longer there the constant anxiety remained.

When the body lives with a state of high anxiety for a long time that becomes the normal state and there is a high level of 'baseline' anxiety. When it's really bad I can wake up in a state of panic and remain constantly on high alert, hypervigilant to the slightest sound, all day and all night. Often for no apparent reason.  

You have been through a lot of change recently, moving country and leaving your job. Autists struggle to adapt to change. We also struggle with uncertainty and it sounds like you have a lot of that also. The future will likely seem overwhelming when the options are endless.

James said:

greater stress, and a sense that my focus and ability was in decline. I think it was a sound choice, as the longer I was there, the more ill I was. 

It sounds as if burnout was building in your old job and leaving has allowed years of pressure to release.

It may be helpful to review the list of the signs of autistic burnout in this article, to see if you identify:

https://theautisticadvocate.com/2018/05/an-autistic-burnout/

James said:

I have this perpetual sense of horror, this fear of doing anything, and this endless sense of my body and mind being tirelessly tiresomely on high alert. 

Often autistic burnout is associated with exhaustion. However it can also present as a heightened state of anxiety and hypervigilance, being stuck in a hyper aroused state. There is an interesting article here about this atypical burnout:

https://emergentdivergence.com/2023/05/12/creating-autistic-suffering-what-is-atypical-burnout/

If it is autistic burnout it can take a long time to recover from. It's generally accepted that the best way to recover is to remove as many external pressures and demands as possible, whilst focussing on special interests which are so important to autists. You have already done that to a large extent but you are still experiencing pressure to plan for the future.

The comments people are making could be making you believe that you should be doing something. You don't need to do anything right now unless you want to. You have stated that you are in the position you wanted to be.

James said:

The future though scares me: I can't imagine anything. A complete blank. I used to have all sorts of ideas and drives and motivation, but it's nothing. The future seems like a large empty room that will be a tiring struggle to get across.

This is something that mindful thinking may help with. If you find your thoughts about the future are scaring you then don't go there at all. Try to concentrate on the present and your recovery. The future will evolve once you are in a better place.

If you have spent a long time devoted to your job you may not have intense interests to fall back on. I would suggest something non demanding, a small project to focus your mind in the short term. Maybe you could try some of the free courses available online (Future Learn, Open University, etc) without any commitment needed.