Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel like I’m wasting my 20’s. I’m wasting my life. I’ll be 27 next February and I’ve got nothing to show for those years. I have no friends, no hobbies as such, no job – I’ve tried working, boy have I tried, and I failed every time as I was overcome with bad anxiety and I crashed and burned before I’d even had a chance. Each day I do the same things, take a walk through the fields, play records, watch movies and that’s it. I had a MH support worker but she’s more less given up on me. At first, she tried taking me out but I think the meltdowns told her I was a lost cause now she calls me, asks how I am, I say, and then she says to watch a movie or have a nap. I exist and that’s it. I don’t know where my life is going. I know what I want to do but my autism, anxiety and depression are a giant tough wall which I can’t get through. Since I was 21 I’ve said to myself “Elvis, this year is OUR year. We’re gonna change everything this year” and each year is the same. I never even take a step forward but somehow manage to take six steps backwards.
I used to have hobbies I loved to do like writing but I lost the drive for all of them.
I’m happy. I enjoy my life. But I feel I should be living more, working, have friends, potentially meet a nice woman and get married. Maybe even have children. I’m more less totally dependent on my parents. I don’t bank, I can’t cook, I can’t go out on my own. They are both amazing. They offer so much support and encouragement. I’m more of a burden to them really. I want to be different but every time I try I never make any progress.
On the agenda today, another movie, perhaps play a record later. Eat and sleep. And then repeat it all over again tomorrow...
Hi Elvis,
I relate to your post a lot, although I am older than you and I do work (I don't know how you can survive £$£$ without work? Let me in on the secret!).
I also feel very stuck in a rut. Outside of work (which is from home, remote) I don't really leave the house much. I don't have a lot of friends. I spend much of my time watching online TV shows, listening to podcasts, scanning the web, eating, etc. It doesn't feel like there is anything really to look forward to or work towards. I don't really want to go to pubs or anything on my own, I would feel weird, so I stay home. I don't really want to eat in restaurants or go to cinemas on my own either, I feel like people would think I am weird.
I think it sounds really positive that you have aspirations like you write in your post: you want to meet someone, have a family, etc. You can put some of your time and effort into building that future! Get on the dating apps, see who you can talk to. You can learn to cook! Offer to make something for your parents sometime! Cooking is great fun when you get into it.
Do you like animals? Maybe you could volunteer to help at a farm or even walk neighbours dogs, etc?
I feel like there are tonnes of options out there for you maybe you just need help searching.
You survive without working by not spending what you do not have.
Delayed gratification and all that. Well, that's how I manage.
And of course you also work as much as you can manage anyway, whether it pays or whether it does not, thus breaking the link between "work" and "money" which is important to do if you want to become your own master.
You replace money with accomplishment, and the measure of what you are, becomes more "real" and less arbitrary or set by the whim of strangers..
Hi I Sperg,
Thanks for your reply.
I think I understand what you're saying, but for instance, I need at least £900 for rent and £300 for food, plus household bills, WIFI, mobile phone, petrol, council tax, medicines, etc. every month. Those aren't prices I can negotiate or simply 'not spend'. So again I don't know how you can get around not working and still having money.
Genuine question, I'm not trying to be funny or difficult!
Can you explain me more about this?