Feel Like I'm Wasting My Life

I feel like I’m wasting my 20’s. I’m wasting my life. I’ll be 27 next February and I’ve got nothing to show for those years. I have no friends, no hobbies as such, no job – I’ve tried working, boy have I tried, and I failed every time as I was overcome with bad anxiety and I crashed and burned before I’d even had a chance. Each day I do the same things, take a walk through the fields, play records, watch movies and that’s it. I had a MH support worker but she’s more less given up on me. At first, she tried taking me out but I think the meltdowns told her I was a lost cause now she calls me, asks how I am, I say, and then she says to watch a movie or have a nap. I exist and that’s it. I don’t know where my life is going. I know what I want to do but my autism, anxiety and depression are a giant tough wall which I can’t get through. Since I was 21 I’ve said to myself “Elvis, this year is OUR year. We’re gonna change everything this year” and each year is the same. I never even take a step forward but somehow manage to take six steps backwards.

I used to have hobbies I loved to do like writing but I lost the drive for all of them.

I’m happy. I enjoy my life. But I feel I should be living more, working, have friends, potentially meet a nice woman and get married. Maybe even have children. I’m more less totally dependent on my parents. I don’t bank, I can’t cook, I can’t go out on my own. They are both amazing. They offer so much support and encouragement. I’m more of a burden to them really. I want to be different but every time I try I never make any progress.

On the agenda today, another movie, perhaps play a record later. Eat and sleep. And then repeat it all over again tomorrow...

  • you dont bank? thats probably a financial upbringing problem... my parents got me a bank account when i was young to teach me and it was like a rbs under 15s account or something... it used to give excellent interest ages ago but interest is a thing of the past now unless you owe them lol

    given you dont bank that means you dont have universal credit? you see this issue.... you need a bank account and to claim job seekers or something, you cant even get a job if you dont have a bank account. you need bank account as young as possible.

  • Can you explain me more about this?

  • *eye roll* never mind. 

  • Where the hell do you get my outgoings as 2-3K?

    That's probably not even my total turnover for the year!

    I get irregular income that covers that.with periods of serious restrictions in what I can do in between.

    I'll eventually find something I do that does actually earn me some proper money and then I can fire up the Daimler again, but the last seven months have been spent carefully (and at minimum cost) restoring my motorcycle, because summer I tend to get a bit of gardening work 

  • I think Elvis is living with his parents - and that makes a massive difference. My youngest adult son lives with us so he has no rent or bills to pay. Rents these days are extortionate- my eldest is currently trying to find a flat and it’s a nightmare. 

  • I don't live in Mayfair. 

    I don't have a mortgage. 

    I don't and never have owned a credit card. 

    You stated "You survive without working by not spending what you do not have." - if you aren't working, surely your income is £0. If your outgoings are £2-3K a month, where are you finding the money? 

    You stated "You replace money with accomplishment" unfortunately my landlord does not accept 'accomplishment' as a currency. 

    I'm delighted you make it work, but you simply *must* have *some* income from *somewhere* otherwise you'd be on the street. 

    Make the maths make sense then I'll be sure to take your side. 

  • I've had to work real hard on this one, and I'm still not entirely comfortable publishing the result...

    It's a long story that has produced a wall of text and the only part that you'll find really applicable to your immediate circumstance is "see what you can really go without until your income exceeds your expenditure".

    It requires a fundamental shift in ones thinking about how you relate to money, responsibilty, and society, which is against how we are trained to think.

    Then save whenever you get a windfall.

    It's paying someone 900 quid for housing that is crippling you guys, where do you live? Mayfair?

    Most of us work very hard indeed to make a whole slew of strangers rich, and believe "it's the right thing to do".

    I used to. But it's never enough, they always need a little more...

    Stop using credit. Make DAMN sure you pay no "interest" IF you must have a mortgage watch the video where the guy tell you how to kill the compound interest by making more frequent payments (which the mortgage company will try and object to, but it's legal and saves you a bucket load of money over time. Who the hell needs a T.V., it's licence or it's premium service costs? I used to keep a set for visiting  licence holders / addicts to use, but I played the game. I Didn't want to be a criminal, so I simply didn't watch it myself except for DVD's when my kid bough one round etc. I did need intent but it was dead cheap then and for a long while I did repairs for a neighbour and they gave me their wi-fi password. Huge cost saving AND the neighbours really liked the on call repair service. 

    It's a state of mind, but I'm not giving (or promising) more than I have to give.

    From some aspects it looks like prudence, from others like frugality, from others naked selfishness, and it's definitely continuous hard work, not working, but I can't stand people I don't know demanding money that I do not have, so I've done everything within in my power to stop that happening.. 

  • Hey TriS, sorry, I should have been more specific. My post about expenditure vs. income was in reply to I Sperg's post responding to me regarding; 'living within your means' - not in response to the original poster. I thought that was clear by the 'thread' - my bad. 

    Hope you're keeping well today :) 

  • I imagine from the way the post is written that Elvis lives with his parents, so most of those expenses aren't needed. Especially if someone feels unable to go anywhere or really do much away from home. 

  • It works for me Slight smile 

    Another small money earner is doing online surveys where you get paid for doing surveys. My sister does this via an app. It's not a huge earner but it's something you might be able to do as it's fairly stress free so my sister says.

  • That's a cool sideline Zoid! 

    No need to apologise you are welcome to jump in on any conversation :) 

    I'll get my thinking cap on re; sideline projects to generate income that aren't too taxing on my very limited energy. 

  • £900 for rent here and not a lot leftover for bills and food after it's paid. I get by but it is tough. I've started doing online videos on YouTube too earn extra money. It's only a little extra but I'm finding it does make a difference. Is there a small hobby you could turn in to profit?

    Sorry for poking in here just wanted you to know you're not alone.

  • Hi I Sperg, 

    Thanks for your reply. 

    I think I understand what you're saying, but for instance, I need at least £900 for rent and £300 for food, plus household bills, WIFI, mobile phone, petrol, council tax, medicines, etc. every month. Those aren't prices I can negotiate or simply 'not spend'. So again I don't know how you can get around not working and still having money. 

    Genuine question, I'm not trying to be funny or difficult! 

  • You survive without working by not spending what you do not have.

    Delayed gratification and all that. Well, that's how I manage.

    And of course you also work as much as you can manage anyway, whether it pays or whether it does not, thus breaking the link between "work" and "money" which is important to do if you want to become your own master.

    You replace money with accomplishment, and the measure of what you are, becomes more "real" and less arbitrary or set by the whim of strangers..

  • Hi Elvis, 

    I relate to your post a lot, although I am older than you and I do work (I don't know how you can survive £$£$ without work? Let me in on the secret!). 

    I also feel very stuck in a rut. Outside of work (which is from home, remote) I don't really leave the house much. I don't have a lot of friends. I spend much of my time watching online TV shows, listening to podcasts, scanning the web, eating, etc. It doesn't feel like there is anything really to look forward to or work towards. I don't really want to go to pubs or anything on my own, I would feel weird, so I stay home. I don't really want to eat in restaurants or go to cinemas on my own either, I feel like people would think I am weird. 

    I think it sounds really positive that you have aspirations like you write in your post: you want to meet someone, have a family, etc. You can put some of your time and effort into building that future! Get on the dating apps, see who you can talk to. You can learn to cook! Offer to make something for your parents sometime! Cooking is great fun when you get into it. 

    Do you like animals? Maybe you could volunteer to help at a farm or even walk neighbours dogs, etc? 

    I feel like there are tonnes of options out there for you maybe you just need help searching.

  • I was in the same situation as you when I was in my twenties. What work have you tried? Maybe you need to look in a different sector, where you might be less triggered. Also, voluntary work can be a less stressful step towards paid work.

  • Hello Elvis – great name!Smiley

    I’m sorry you’re finding yourself in this rut. But don’t despair because it won’t always be like this. Things can change, they do change, even if it doesn’t feel like they will right this second. I think it sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself right now. Working, banking, getting married are all BIG steps to take. They aren’t impossible, you CAN achieve this if you really want and set your mind to it but you need to go slow at your own comfortable pace. You’ve tried working, unfortunately it didn’t work out but next time MIGHT be different. Don’t give up on yourself. You deserve to be happy and enjoy life and do the things you want to do. I’ve been in your situation, it’s not a pleasant place and it zaps your hope. I would suggest you take baby steps, do smaller things so it leads to bigger things. I like Autonmistic’s idea of online courses and improving your life skills in certain areas. Why not look online for cooking classes? Do they work?? Yes they do! That’s exactly how I learnt to cook – thank you YouTube! They have beginners cooking tutorials on there and I went from not being able to cook to now being able to do a full Sunday Roast for my family. And you can do this for lots of other things too – look for new hobbies, how to garden, artwork, writing... It’s all out there... You can do it but YOU have to take the first step.

    Even just having a single hobby that you enjoy will make a BIG positive difference to your life. But do it all in your own way and time. Don’t rush things. Don’t put pressure on yourself. Just do it your way and see where it leads you. And remember to give yourself a pat on the back for trying so hard before. It takes courage to try anything, you should be proud of yourself that you gave it a try.

    I’m sorry your support worker isn’t very good. They often aren’t. But you shouldn’t lose faith in yourself. You can get out of this rut. I believe in you – we all do! Anytime you need support, if your support worker isn’t helping, come here and we’ll help you through the tough times. We DO understand and nine times out of ten, we can relate and hopefully help.

    Take care man. Keep the faith. Believe in yourself!

  • Music and movies are enjoyable but not a reason for existence. It seems your life is lacking some purpose and direction currently. I have experienced that at times during my life too. Don't give up, as things can and will change if you focus your energies in a way that works for you.

    Next time you think of watching a movie stop and ask yourself if that is the best use of your time. Perhaps plan to spend the length of a movie doing something else. By the end of that time whatever you have achieved, however small, will hopefully motivate you to want to do more similar things. 

    You could try some online learning, to try and identify what interests you in life and maybe spark a new hobby or work possibility. The free online courses have no commitment, so you can try lots of different things without fear of failing.

    https://www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses/full-catalogue

    https://www.futurelearn.com/courses

    If you used to enjoy writing you could look for a creative writing course. The best writers are usually inspired by something they experience or observe. If your life is currently limited you are probably lacking the inspiration to write.

    It does sound as if your support worker is lazy and may have given up trying, probably due to inadequate training in how to help an autistic person. That doesn't mean you should give up yourself. Next time she contacts you ask if she can accompany you somewhere of your choice, not anywhere busy or noisy that is likely to trigger meltdowns. You could also ask if she could help you find a suitable volunteering opportunity in your local area, perhaps nature conservation or working with animals rather than people. 

    But I feel I should be living more, working, have friends, potentially meet a nice woman and get married.
    I’m happy. I enjoy my life.
    I know what I want to do but my autism, anxiety and depression are a giant tough wall

    There is some conflict there. I think all of us can feel pressured by the expectations of society. You don't have to do all those things and it's ok to be different. The things you have mentioned are all huge steps, which is why you're hitting that tough wall. Aim for small things you can achieve and try not to worry too much about the future.

    Our monotropic autistic brains usually work best when focussing on one thing at a time. That's important that you don't attempt too many new things at once, or there is a risk that you will become too overwhelmed and give up.

    I don’t bank, I can’t cook

    That's two areas you could aim to improve your life skills on.

    There are some good resources online to help you learn more about banking and financial matters. 

    https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/everyday-money/banking

    https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2021/10/first-ever-financial-education-textbook-arrives-in-welsh-schools/

    Perhaps watch some cookery shows instead of movies and learn some skills while you watch. Next time one of your parents is cooking a meal, ask if you can help and for them to show you what to do.

  • All you can do is try. Measuring yourself against what you feel like you're "supposed" to be is a recipe for disappointment if you're struggling, and if you're truly happy that's what matters. But if you're not aiming for anything more than your current day-to-day you're not going to make progress. You're the only one who can really answer the question of if you're really putting effort in or not. Even tiny steps will get you somewhere if you really make it important.