Feel Like I'm Wasting My Life

I feel like I’m wasting my 20’s. I’m wasting my life. I’ll be 27 next February and I’ve got nothing to show for those years. I have no friends, no hobbies as such, no job – I’ve tried working, boy have I tried, and I failed every time as I was overcome with bad anxiety and I crashed and burned before I’d even had a chance. Each day I do the same things, take a walk through the fields, play records, watch movies and that’s it. I had a MH support worker but she’s more less given up on me. At first, she tried taking me out but I think the meltdowns told her I was a lost cause now she calls me, asks how I am, I say, and then she says to watch a movie or have a nap. I exist and that’s it. I don’t know where my life is going. I know what I want to do but my autism, anxiety and depression are a giant tough wall which I can’t get through. Since I was 21 I’ve said to myself “Elvis, this year is OUR year. We’re gonna change everything this year” and each year is the same. I never even take a step forward but somehow manage to take six steps backwards.

I used to have hobbies I loved to do like writing but I lost the drive for all of them.

I’m happy. I enjoy my life. But I feel I should be living more, working, have friends, potentially meet a nice woman and get married. Maybe even have children. I’m more less totally dependent on my parents. I don’t bank, I can’t cook, I can’t go out on my own. They are both amazing. They offer so much support and encouragement. I’m more of a burden to them really. I want to be different but every time I try I never make any progress.

On the agenda today, another movie, perhaps play a record later. Eat and sleep. And then repeat it all over again tomorrow...