Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel like I’m wasting my 20’s. I’m wasting my life. I’ll be 27 next February and I’ve got nothing to show for those years. I have no friends, no hobbies as such, no job – I’ve tried working, boy have I tried, and I failed every time as I was overcome with bad anxiety and I crashed and burned before I’d even had a chance. Each day I do the same things, take a walk through the fields, play records, watch movies and that’s it. I had a MH support worker but she’s more less given up on me. At first, she tried taking me out but I think the meltdowns told her I was a lost cause now she calls me, asks how I am, I say, and then she says to watch a movie or have a nap. I exist and that’s it. I don’t know where my life is going. I know what I want to do but my autism, anxiety and depression are a giant tough wall which I can’t get through. Since I was 21 I’ve said to myself “Elvis, this year is OUR year. We’re gonna change everything this year” and each year is the same. I never even take a step forward but somehow manage to take six steps backwards.
I used to have hobbies I loved to do like writing but I lost the drive for all of them.
I’m happy. I enjoy my life. But I feel I should be living more, working, have friends, potentially meet a nice woman and get married. Maybe even have children. I’m more less totally dependent on my parents. I don’t bank, I can’t cook, I can’t go out on my own. They are both amazing. They offer so much support and encouragement. I’m more of a burden to them really. I want to be different but every time I try I never make any progress.
On the agenda today, another movie, perhaps play a record later. Eat and sleep. And then repeat it all over again tomorrow...
Music and movies are enjoyable but not a reason for existence. It seems your life is lacking some purpose and direction currently. I have experienced that at times during my life too. Don't give up, as things can and will change if you focus your energies in a way that works for you.
Next time you think of watching a movie stop and ask yourself if that is the best use of your time. Perhaps plan to spend the length of a movie doing something else. By the end of that time whatever you have achieved, however small, will hopefully motivate you to want to do more similar things.
You could try some online learning, to try and identify what interests you in life and maybe spark a new hobby or work possibility. The free online courses have no commitment, so you can try lots of different things without fear of failing.
https://www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses/full-catalogue
https://www.futurelearn.com/courses
If you used to enjoy writing you could look for a creative writing course. The best writers are usually inspired by something they experience or observe. If your life is currently limited you are probably lacking the inspiration to write.
It does sound as if your support worker is lazy and may have given up trying, probably due to inadequate training in how to help an autistic person. That doesn't mean you should give up yourself. Next time she contacts you ask if she can accompany you somewhere of your choice, not anywhere busy or noisy that is likely to trigger meltdowns. You could also ask if she could help you find a suitable volunteering opportunity in your local area, perhaps nature conservation or working with animals rather than people.
Elvis said:But I feel I should be living more, working, have friends, potentially meet a nice woman and get married.
Elvis said:I’m happy. I enjoy my life.
Elvis said:I know what I want to do but my autism, anxiety and depression are a giant tough wall
There is some conflict there. I think all of us can feel pressured by the expectations of society. You don't have to do all those things and it's ok to be different. The things you have mentioned are all huge steps, which is why you're hitting that tough wall. Aim for small things you can achieve and try not to worry too much about the future.
Our monotropic autistic brains usually work best when focussing on one thing at a time. That's important that you don't attempt too many new things at once, or there is a risk that you will become too overwhelmed and give up.
Elvis said:I don’t bank, I can’t cook
That's two areas you could aim to improve your life skills on.
There are some good resources online to help you learn more about banking and financial matters.
https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/everyday-money/banking
https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2021/10/first-ever-financial-education-textbook-arrives-in-welsh-schools/
Perhaps watch some cookery shows instead of movies and learn some skills while you watch. Next time one of your parents is cooking a meal, ask if you can help and for them to show you what to do.