Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel like I’m wasting my 20’s. I’m wasting my life. I’ll be 27 next February and I’ve got nothing to show for those years. I have no friends, no hobbies as such, no job – I’ve tried working, boy have I tried, and I failed every time as I was overcome with bad anxiety and I crashed and burned before I’d even had a chance. Each day I do the same things, take a walk through the fields, play records, watch movies and that’s it. I had a MH support worker but she’s more less given up on me. At first, she tried taking me out but I think the meltdowns told her I was a lost cause now she calls me, asks how I am, I say, and then she says to watch a movie or have a nap. I exist and that’s it. I don’t know where my life is going. I know what I want to do but my autism, anxiety and depression are a giant tough wall which I can’t get through. Since I was 21 I’ve said to myself “Elvis, this year is OUR year. We’re gonna change everything this year” and each year is the same. I never even take a step forward but somehow manage to take six steps backwards.
I used to have hobbies I loved to do like writing but I lost the drive for all of them.
I’m happy. I enjoy my life. But I feel I should be living more, working, have friends, potentially meet a nice woman and get married. Maybe even have children. I’m more less totally dependent on my parents. I don’t bank, I can’t cook, I can’t go out on my own. They are both amazing. They offer so much support and encouragement. I’m more of a burden to them really. I want to be different but every time I try I never make any progress.
On the agenda today, another movie, perhaps play a record later. Eat and sleep. And then repeat it all over again tomorrow...
Hello Elvis – great name!
I’m sorry you’re finding yourself in this rut. But don’t despair because it won’t always be like this. Things can change, they do change, even if it doesn’t feel like they will right this second. I think it sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself right now. Working, banking, getting married are all BIG steps to take. They aren’t impossible, you CAN achieve this if you really want and set your mind to it but you need to go slow at your own comfortable pace. You’ve tried working, unfortunately it didn’t work out but next time MIGHT be different. Don’t give up on yourself. You deserve to be happy and enjoy life and do the things you want to do. I’ve been in your situation, it’s not a pleasant place and it zaps your hope. I would suggest you take baby steps, do smaller things so it leads to bigger things. I like Autonmistic’s idea of online courses and improving your life skills in certain areas. Why not look online for cooking classes? Do they work?? Yes they do! That’s exactly how I learnt to cook – thank you YouTube! They have beginners cooking tutorials on there and I went from not being able to cook to now being able to do a full Sunday Roast for my family. And you can do this for lots of other things too – look for new hobbies, how to garden, artwork, writing... It’s all out there... You can do it but YOU have to take the first step.
Even just having a single hobby that you enjoy will make a BIG positive difference to your life. But do it all in your own way and time. Don’t rush things. Don’t put pressure on yourself. Just do it your way and see where it leads you. And remember to give yourself a pat on the back for trying so hard before. It takes courage to try anything, you should be proud of yourself that you gave it a try.
I’m sorry your support worker isn’t very good. They often aren’t. But you shouldn’t lose faith in yourself. You can get out of this rut. I believe in you – we all do! Anytime you need support, if your support worker isn’t helping, come here and we’ll help you through the tough times. We DO understand and nine times out of ten, we can relate and hopefully help.
Take care man. Keep the faith. Believe in yourself!