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Thanks thats helpful thank you

Thanks that has helped allot

Richard m said:

Am I right to feel and hold onto anger and resent and has anybody else been like this. 

My advice - don't hold onto the anger. It helps no-one and is a destructive force.

Instead try to look back analytically and work out what your autism has done to impact your life and use that to develop techniques (in conjunction with other sources of help) to manage that particular trait.

For example, some people find being in social groups to be stressful and this can be because our lack of social awareness means we are over-analysing conversations and interactions to try to give the appropriate response just so we don't stand out as a weirdo.

This is known as masking and it means you are not being authentic to your own character, your mind is overloading itself trying to work out what to do constantly and the stress builds.

Once it gets to your threshold then it leads to meltdown or burnout - the meltdown is typically more like exploding (or imploding) and it can for on for a long time while the burnout is where you find yourself almost comatose with lack of energy.

Both require significant amounts of time to recover from and "recharge" before we are ready to go back into the social arena again.

To develop healthy coping skills for whatever affects you I strongly recommend reading up on autism so you know more about what are the autistic traits relevant to you and getting a therapist to speak to at least once a week to start with. Costs start from about £40/hour so are not excessive.

Two books sprint to mind that may be of immediate help:

Very Late Diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome - Wylie, Philip_ Beardon, Luke_ Heath, Sara  (2014)
ISBN 9781849054331

Understanding Autism For Dummies - Stephen Shore, Linda G. Rastelli, Temple Grandin (2006)
ISBN 0764525476

Have a look on the reviews on Amazon etc before buying to see if they are likely to be worth it.

Hi Richard, 

It's normal to feel angry when you realise later in life. It's an emotion that people often feel when grieving. To question whether you are actually autistic when going through the diagnostic process is also completely normal. It's best if you can allow yourself to feel the emotions and take breaks from thinking about it when you get overwhelmed. It's normal to wonder "what if?". What if you'd been diagnosed younger, been understood better, not been so hard on yourself because you would have understood yourself better. Those are common feelings when your sense of self and identity is shifting. Try not to judge how you feel as "bad". Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. As for your parents, they were working with what they had back then. They have reasons for not telling you. Maybe that's a conversation you'll be able to have with them sometime. 

Remember, you are the person you have always been. Hopefully things will start to make sense as you get further along. That's what happened for me, and lots of other people here. 

Do you listen to podcasts or read books? If you can learn from other autists that have lived experience and what strategies have worked for them it saves you a lot of time and energy as you learn how to adapt to your new circumstances. It also helps you feel less alone to share experiences. Some resources that I am currently finding helpful are the 1800 Seconds on Autism podcast on BBC Sounds, Unmasking Autism by Dr Devon Price, and The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook of DBT Skills by Sonny Jane Wise. If you want more recommendations I'm sure other members of the community will provide them. 

With your current stress try to prioritise what actually needs to be done and put the rest on the back burner for now, and build rest in to your daily routine, it will help with the overwhelm that's leading to feeling burnt out. There's a guide here that may help:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/autistic-fatigue/autistic-adults

It does get easier.