Overthinking the Past

I guess I'm just kind of throwing this out there because my mind is always going to this place. With my isolation being what it is and for so long, I'm generally left with just myself and my thoughts - which more often than not spiral into really overthinking everything.

Throw in a lifetime of trauma, PTSD and Depression and it makes for a really fun combo. I really struggle with immense guilt and anxiety over my past mistakes and relationships with people, despite rationally knowing I shouldn't? I was only diagnosed with Autism recently, and one of the major things that came with that was the realisation that all that time I spent feeling like there was something wrong with me for always ending up in bad social situations - there technically was something that explained it but nobody knew it was the case (Autism & ADHD), so there was no understanding from myself or those around me any time I was struggling.

I had a really rocky childhood due to traits of my Autism being severely punished, which then lead to becoming more and more isolated as I got older. The isolation started with online gaming from a really young age - and then my already problematic position got even worse. Being a young girl essentially "growing up" on the internet, I was obviously targeted in specific and awful ways that lead to a lot of trauma and developmental problems.

I think being Autistic, it was even easier for me to be manipulated into thinking I had to act and behave a certain way to be approved of or liked. It then would obviously fail over and over, and I'd always be left feeling like everything that was happening or had happened to me was my fault.

Even years later now as an adult, I suffer constant guilt and anxiety over every little misstep from my past - and when I try to rationalize those behaviours as being the result of so many other factors, I feel like I'm just making excuses. I'm still waiting to go to therapy for a lot of this trauma because currently I have severe emotional development issues, leading to frequent Autistic meltdowns when overwhelmed. I have to learn the tools needed to be able to face and properly process my past before we can get into it at all.

In the meantime, I just wonder if anyone else experiences things like this? I feel like I can't ever put myself out there, because what if someone from my turbulent past notices me and picks up on harassing me again or spreading information about what I used to be like before I began to figure things out and get away from toxic surroundings. It's not like I've ever done something really bad, but even thinking about the smallest mistakes or behaviour I never identified with (but thought I had to present as in order to fit in or be liked) makes me feel really sick and uncomfortable.

This is all likely made much worse by the fact I was and still am completely isolated - so my entire world is online and I can't escape my own thoughts and self hate. I see so much cancel culture online towards people who have done even minor things many years in the past, so I just start convincing myself that I could never do anything with my life without my own past haunting me in some way (as irrational as it may be).

  • I just wonder if anyone else experiences things like this?

    Yes i feel like i have had similar experiences.

    I'm not a girl so i can't relate to how you may have been targeted unfortunately.

    But for me i've been using the internet to socialise since high school since i had too much difficulty socialising IRL since then. 

    I made a lot of friends through game communities but none of them have lasted. After a while i felt i was starting to be rejected by them and i may have started to reject them as well. I feel guilty about that.

    After this would happen i would delete my online identity and start a new one and make new friends and the same thing would happen, for a few times.

    I recently finished that cycle again yesterday. But this time i stood my ground, i tried not to reject them but i felt like i was the one being rejected. I told them if they can't accept me anymore than we can't be friends. They called me sensitive and unwilling to change so i blocked them.

    This time i don't feel like trying again because it doesn't feel worth it anymore.

    In hindsight i was rejecting myself for a long time but since i know i am autistic now i've accepted that i am different now. 

    I can see that your feelings of guilt seem to be more complex though. I can't tell you what you should do but i hope this comment can give you some hope.

    I recently started anti-depressants, after rejecting them for so long, and even though it's only been a few days i noticed i don't fall into deep negative worry loops as easily anymore. Not sure how intended this is, but i feel it's a positive sign. So i feel like maybe some kind of treatment may be helpful for you.

    So to answer your question. Yes there are definitely people who can relate. In general i think internet is a very unfriendly place but i think it's even worse for neurodivergent people.

    But i understand socialization is a need and the challenge is how to fulfil it without getting into negative relationships. It's one i struggle with but it's one i will keep trying, i am looking for ways to make positive relationships. I've learned my previous ways are probably not a good fit for me. This is progress, at least.

    Good luck and stay safe.

  • None of it was your fault.

    We blame ourselves far too often. It's how we default; psychologically. The War mindset is in so many of us.

    Faith helps. Knowing that aid comes from supernatural, rather than human, sources.

  • OK, well I will bring the topic up with my therapist.

  • I have a cousin who has PTSD from abuse and I don't feel that I have the same sort of thing

    It is a different cause for you and your cousin, but the effect is the same in both cases.

    I talked about this at length with my therapist as I was originally of the same opinion, but the traumas are still there - they add up and as an autist all those instances of being called a weirdo, being left out of groups, having conversations dry up when we try to join in etc etc - this builds and has a very similar effect to one (or multiple) major events.

    Please do not diminish your own suffering. If you were anything like me then there is an accumulation of trauma over decades.

    It is treatable by a good therapist and you do heal eventually. Not that you will be like an NT at the end of the healing though, you will still be you, just with less baggage and need for coping mechanisms.

  • I do have a therapist. She's spoken of my having "trauma" from childhood, but I think she meant it in a colloquial sense. I have a cousin who has PTSD from abuse and I don't feel that I have the same sort of thing.

  • it sounds like part of you is trying to "cancel" yourself in your own head. Please try to be kind and forgiving to yourself instead!

    I too have a strong tendency to diminish my own needs / wants for others and devalue my worth.

    It comes from being bullied in school and work with others puting me down as I was not part of their NT cliques.

    With reflection, rationalisation and no small amount of therapy I have overcome this and have "regained my power" to advocate for myself. This goes a long way to winning arguements with yourself oddly enough and holding that internal demonising up to the light so that it loses its hold on you.

    Many autists do have levels of PTSD from the types of abuse (from bullying to much worse) we have experienced growing up and even as adults. Unpacking this with a therapist is an incredibly helpful process if you can afford it as it lifts so much of the weight we carry.

  • I do struggle with this, although probably not to the same extent as I don't have PTSD. I struggle to put things in proportion and see that I mostly did as well as could have been expected, given who I am. It is hard to hold on to that, though. I agree with Iain that holding on to guilt and shame is not productive and helpful. You're worried about cancel culture in the outside world, but it sounds like part of you is trying to "cancel" yourself in your own head. Please try to be kind and forgiving to yourself instead!

  • I think you are on the right track think about what you can do to help with managing your PTSD. That is such a difficult thing to try and sort out and I think if I had PTSD I'd definitely go the therapy route.

    I overthink the past incredibly. I worry about things no end. When I make a mistake, it haunts me for days. At the moment, I am doing some self-help workbooks to see if that will improve things and I'm also down to do some Patient-Centred Counselling.

    Take care and hope you get some help with your PTSD.

    Mrs Snooks

  • The problem with my anxiety and general issues is that even while I have changed as a person, learnt from my mistakes etc. they don't go away and I don't stop stressing over it.

    I can even understand that I was actually the victim in a lot of the things I feel guilt and shame about, yet I still blame myself despite that rational side knowing it is wrong to. I think these issues are common in people with a lot of trauma and PTSD symptoms, which is why therapy is necessary to work on them but I'm still waiting for when I can pursue that.

    It just feels as though no matter how long ago something was or whether I learnt from it or not that I'm unforgivable for making any kind of mistake in the first place - and with cancel culture trending in recent years it has solidified that thought process to myself.

  • I suffer constant guilt and anxiety over every little misstep from my past

    I got round this long ago by using the very rational part of my brain (a very autistic trait) to examine the past and instead of thinking about all the "what ifs" then thinking what can I learn from it and put into use in the future.

    This takes some time to master but when I was able to do this at will I was able to lose a huge amount of anxiety and guilt that it had caused me.

    The rational thought process went along the lines of:

    Does all this worrying make anything different? Can you change the past? If not, then stop wasting energy on it.

    Can you make something positive out of the pile of poo that happened? If yes then learn and do it differently in future.

    Those 2 or 3 points make the world of difference and free up a massive amount of capacity to do something positive with those bad experiences.

    If you want to try it, print out the points in a nice, easy to read format and stick them where you do most of your thinking. Use it like a mantra every time you find yourself wondering if only I had done that...types of thoughts and highlight the futility of spending so much energy on something you absolutely cannot change.

    Eventually it becomes second nature and it almost feels like a weight has been lifted.

    h

    My neurotypical ex-wife has problems doing this but she has a lot of deeply ingrained catholic guilt that makes her almost want to feel bad and to be punished, so it isn't a silver bullet for everyone.