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Overthinking the Past

Goblin

I guess I'm just kind of throwing this out there because my mind is always going to this place. With my isolation being what it is and for so long, I'm generally left with just myself and my thoughts - which more often than not spiral into really overthinking everything.

Throw in a lifetime of trauma, PTSD and Depression and it makes for a really fun combo. I really struggle with immense guilt and anxiety over my past mistakes and relationships with people, despite rationally knowing I shouldn't? I was only diagnosed with Autism recently, and one of the major things that came with that was the realisation that all that time I spent feeling like there was something wrong with me for always ending up in bad social situations - there technically was something that explained it but nobody knew it was the case (Autism & ADHD), so there was no understanding from myself or those around me any time I was struggling.

I had a really rocky childhood due to traits of my Autism being severely punished, which then lead to becoming more and more isolated as I got older. The isolation started with online gaming from a really young age - and then my already problematic position got even worse. Being a young girl essentially "growing up" on the internet, I was obviously targeted in specific and awful ways that lead to a lot of trauma and developmental problems.

I think being Autistic, it was even easier for me to be manipulated into thinking I had to act and behave a certain way to be approved of or liked. It then would obviously fail over and over, and I'd always be left feeling like everything that was happening or had happened to me was my fault.

Even years later now as an adult, I suffer constant guilt and anxiety over every little misstep from my past - and when I try to rationalize those behaviours as being the result of so many other factors, I feel like I'm just making excuses. I'm still waiting to go to therapy for a lot of this trauma because currently I have severe emotional development issues, leading to frequent Autistic meltdowns when overwhelmed. I have to learn the tools needed to be able to face and properly process my past before we can get into it at all.

In the meantime, I just wonder if anyone else experiences things like this? I feel like I can't ever put myself out there, because what if someone from my turbulent past notices me and picks up on harassing me again or spreading information about what I used to be like before I began to figure things out and get away from toxic surroundings. It's not like I've ever done something really bad, but even thinking about the smallest mistakes or behaviour I never identified with (but thought I had to present as in order to fit in or be liked) makes me feel really sick and uncomfortable.

This is all likely made much worse by the fact I was and still am completely isolated - so my entire world is online and I can't escape my own thoughts and self hate. I see so much cancel culture online towards people who have done even minor things many years in the past, so I just start convincing myself that I could never do anything with my life without my own past haunting me in some way (as irrational as it may be).

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  • Goblin said:
    I just wonder if anyone else experiences things like this?

    Yes i feel like i have had similar experiences.

    I'm not a girl so i can't relate to how you may have been targeted unfortunately.

    But for me i've been using the internet to socialise since high school since i had too much difficulty socialising IRL since then. 

    I made a lot of friends through game communities but none of them have lasted. After a while i felt i was starting to be rejected by them and i may have started to reject them as well. I feel guilty about that.

    After this would happen i would delete my online identity and start a new one and make new friends and the same thing would happen, for a few times.

    I recently finished that cycle again yesterday. But this time i stood my ground, i tried not to reject them but i felt like i was the one being rejected. I told them if they can't accept me anymore than we can't be friends. They called me sensitive and unwilling to change so i blocked them.

    This time i don't feel like trying again because it doesn't feel worth it anymore.

    In hindsight i was rejecting myself for a long time but since i know i am autistic now i've accepted that i am different now. 

    I can see that your feelings of guilt seem to be more complex though. I can't tell you what you should do but i hope this comment can give you some hope.

    I recently started anti-depressants, after rejecting them for so long, and even though it's only been a few days i noticed i don't fall into deep negative worry loops as easily anymore. Not sure how intended this is, but i feel it's a positive sign. So i feel like maybe some kind of treatment may be helpful for you.

    So to answer your question. Yes there are definitely people who can relate. In general i think internet is a very unfriendly place but i think it's even worse for neurodivergent people.

    But i understand socialization is a need and the challenge is how to fulfil it without getting into negative relationships. It's one i struggle with but it's one i will keep trying, i am looking for ways to make positive relationships. I've learned my previous ways are probably not a good fit for me. This is progress, at least.

    Good luck and stay safe.

Reply
  • Goblin said:
    I just wonder if anyone else experiences things like this?

    Yes i feel like i have had similar experiences.

    I'm not a girl so i can't relate to how you may have been targeted unfortunately.

    But for me i've been using the internet to socialise since high school since i had too much difficulty socialising IRL since then. 

    I made a lot of friends through game communities but none of them have lasted. After a while i felt i was starting to be rejected by them and i may have started to reject them as well. I feel guilty about that.

    After this would happen i would delete my online identity and start a new one and make new friends and the same thing would happen, for a few times.

    I recently finished that cycle again yesterday. But this time i stood my ground, i tried not to reject them but i felt like i was the one being rejected. I told them if they can't accept me anymore than we can't be friends. They called me sensitive and unwilling to change so i blocked them.

    This time i don't feel like trying again because it doesn't feel worth it anymore.

    In hindsight i was rejecting myself for a long time but since i know i am autistic now i've accepted that i am different now. 

    I can see that your feelings of guilt seem to be more complex though. I can't tell you what you should do but i hope this comment can give you some hope.

    I recently started anti-depressants, after rejecting them for so long, and even though it's only been a few days i noticed i don't fall into deep negative worry loops as easily anymore. Not sure how intended this is, but i feel it's a positive sign. So i feel like maybe some kind of treatment may be helpful for you.

    So to answer your question. Yes there are definitely people who can relate. In general i think internet is a very unfriendly place but i think it's even worse for neurodivergent people.

    But i understand socialization is a need and the challenge is how to fulfil it without getting into negative relationships. It's one i struggle with but it's one i will keep trying, i am looking for ways to make positive relationships. I've learned my previous ways are probably not a good fit for me. This is progress, at least.

    Good luck and stay safe.

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