I guess I'm just kind of throwing this out there because my mind is always going to this place. With my isolation being what it is and for so long, I'm generally left with just myself and my thoughts - which more often than not spiral into really overthinking everything.
Throw in a lifetime of trauma, PTSD and Depression and it makes for a really fun combo. I really struggle with immense guilt and anxiety over my past mistakes and relationships with people, despite rationally knowing I shouldn't? I was only diagnosed with Autism recently, and one of the major things that came with that was the realisation that all that time I spent feeling like there was something wrong with me for always ending up in bad social situations - there technically was something that explained it but nobody knew it was the case (Autism & ADHD), so there was no understanding from myself or those around me any time I was struggling.
I had a really rocky childhood due to traits of my Autism being severely punished, which then lead to becoming more and more isolated as I got older. The isolation started with online gaming from a really young age - and then my already problematic position got even worse. Being a young girl essentially "growing up" on the internet, I was obviously targeted in specific and awful ways that lead to a lot of trauma and developmental problems.
I think being Autistic, it was even easier for me to be manipulated into thinking I had to act and behave a certain way to be approved of or liked. It then would obviously fail over and over, and I'd always be left feeling like everything that was happening or had happened to me was my fault.
Even years later now as an adult, I suffer constant guilt and anxiety over every little misstep from my past - and when I try to rationalize those behaviours as being the result of so many other factors, I feel like I'm just making excuses. I'm still waiting to go to therapy for a lot of this trauma because currently I have severe emotional development issues, leading to frequent Autistic meltdowns when overwhelmed. I have to learn the tools needed to be able to face and properly process my past before we can get into it at all.
In the meantime, I just wonder if anyone else experiences things like this? I feel like I can't ever put myself out there, because what if someone from my turbulent past notices me and picks up on harassing me again or spreading information about what I used to be like before I began to figure things out and get away from toxic surroundings. It's not like I've ever done something really bad, but even thinking about the smallest mistakes or behaviour I never identified with (but thought I had to present as in order to fit in or be liked) makes me feel really sick and uncomfortable.
This is all likely made much worse by the fact I was and still am completely isolated - so my entire world is online and I can't escape my own thoughts and self hate. I see so much cancel culture online towards people who have done even minor things many years in the past, so I just start convincing myself that I could never do anything with my life without my own past haunting me in some way (as irrational as it may be).
