Published on 12, July, 2020
I have struggled with depression for at least 5 years and only more recently diagnosed as autistic. I’ve been on two different antidepressants- Sertraline and citalopram- and I’m not sure if I can even tell anymore if I feel any better.
I’ve been told that I’ve most likely been in a state of burnout for a long time so i now don’t know if autism is the root cause of all the depression I’ve felt ( I know it has definitely contributed) so would antidepressants just not work in this situation? Or am I just finding it harder to tell if I’m doing better because I can’t identify may own emotions as easily? I know that I don’t feel ‘happy’ or stable yet but I can tell if my mood has improved at all because I feel like my depression has caused so much brain fog.
has anyone had similar experience ?
In my experience no.They "keep you level" but what that meant for me was that not only did I not feel the lows, I didn't feel the highs either; sunny days felt cold, my hobbies gathered dust as I just sat there, a butterfly flew in through my window and I felt absolutely indifferent, it introduced to me a new kind of sadness worse than despair and it was the total absence of joy. The only "high" I had on antidepressants were hair trigger meltdowns, thousands of them because I was too numb to tell I needed to extract myself form the cycle but only artificially numb so the stress was still there in my subconsious to build to a meltdown. In fact oddly I even though I was terribly depressed I never had any s*****aI ideation before I took "antidepressants" only after. I would never take them again personally knowing what they do to me. It was like being tortured with no torturer. But now I realise it's as likely because medication can have horrible side effects for autistic people. I don't think pharmacutical companies design medications for anyone who isn't NT, and that is a real issue. I only took the covid jab because the pros of not getting covid and long covid (again) outweighed the cons, so I measure every medicinal choice very carefully thesedays.I'm now convinced antidepressants are only useful as a stop gap when you are at your absolute lowest and most at risk to yourself already. But really the best "cure" for depression is to tackle and fix the things that start and then maintain that negative loop. Depression started when you became unemployed? Look for work. Depression started because you felt helpless start to take back control in any little way you can and keep building it up little by little. Depressed because you feel lonely? Reach out and get support. Yh I know it is easier said than done, noone is saying the result will be instant or the healing will be linear but I know it's not impossible because I did it, because the alternative to give up and let it kill me was unacceptable.
Hi bees,
Yes - anti-depressants made me feel absolutely terrible, to the extent that I wanted to kill myself (which I wasn’t planning on doing before I took them. My husband remembers he was so scared because I was so CALMLY talking about how I should probably kill myself. Like : ‘it would make sense’ to do that. It was probably the second most terrible experience of my whole life. Having said that I know that some people find them really helpful. After my experience though it would feel like Russian roulette to take them again, and I’m not willing to take that risk again.