I wish I understood my own feelings more

Thank you for sharing this article. I have always been aware of my need to withdraw for a while at times, this has given me a possible why. 

The response in this article about autistic burnout is very apt 

https://theautisticadvocate.com/2018/05/an-autistic-burnout/

"When people message me and ask me how I am, my response is:

"

I just did the test and I got 143.

I know it might be useless to tell you how great you are, because that kind of doubt doesn't go away easily, but I'm going to do it anyway.  You're truly thoughtful and your words are always kind.  You're open and honest about your struggles.  Letting yourself be vulnerable has helped other people understand their own struggles.

I'm glad that you're seeking help.  That is a thing that does take work, and it might also take some persistence to find the right help, but I can say from experience that it is worth it.

Hang in there.  It does get better. 

For what it's worth - which is actually quite a lot, considering this is a place in which people write publicly - your posts are frequently the most beautiful. And that's not the result of style so much as feeling, of natural humanity. You are a universal person rather than a self-focused one. And you are worth many of me but the saving grace of your example is that you inspire me and no doubt others to be better people. Please never believe that you are worthless; you are anything but that.   x

Hello everyone. Thank you for your replies and I am sorry that I didn’t have the spoons available to reply when I really needed to, please know that I was reading your responses as they came through, but just couldn’t for whatever reason articulate a response. A moment of being trapped within myself I think. I am only now finding the words and the ability to write them, but feel I only have enough for this one message at the moment.

I’ve had a few sleepless nights since my original message, work became extreme for the past couple of days too. One of my most challenging periods of my jobs came back around this week and now I’m exhausted and drained. I was offered support and rejected it, because support came around too suddenly and I couldn’t adjust to the change. I really didn’t help myself there, but quite simply, I couldn’t. Outside of all of this, I think I’m understanding that I’ve been quite low for some time and am only now starting to understand what the off feelings that are radiating from me are.

When I can, I would like to reply to each of you personally as there are many interesting and thoughtful things to respond to. You took the time to offer support and I would like to recognise that when I can. This message is an attempt at that, but I would like to do more soon.

Simply learning to accept a state of being, and its temporary nature, is something I would like to do. I am too analytical at times and like to establish cause and effect, but maybe that’s not always needed. This, however, is not something I know how to do. I also have incredibly low self esteem and quite simply do not see myself as having a single redeemable quality. It is a firmly held belief of mine that I am worthless. I have believe this for as long back as I can remember. However, In both of these areas I have decided to try and seek help. I am making moves to do so as of yesterday. I hope this goes well and I can find the guidance I am seeking in order to support myself in these two areas.

Just a small update and also a message of gratitude for your responses. Take care everyone.

Hi

Some years ago I had a miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant (for a variety of reasons that I don't think are particularly relevant to this thread), but my body did. The result was about 3 months of my body mourning something I had no attachment to. I cried every morning and every night, but I wasn't sad for the loss. It was purely my body dealing with the hormonal changes I was going through. This experience helped me to deal with the days like you described. Some days the world seems vibrant and alive, others it's a dark and horrid place to be. I have learnt to make the most of the good days and remember that the bad ones won't last. Triggers aren't always obvious nor important, recognising your needs, on the other hand, is important.

I don't understand my feelings, however I try to accept them for what they are. Sometimes you need to be sad or angry or confused, I treat my feelings like the figurative rollercoaster and allow myself to collapse in on myself when I need to. Forgiving myself and the world around me is how I have learnt to remain "sane" - I am currently lying in bed after having got up, found that life was too much this morning and returning to my cocoon for safety. I shall get up again soon in order to go to the shops, make lunch and prepare for work - which I will be able to do a much better job at after spending this time back in bed.

These are some of my experiences, I apologise if they are not particularly eloquent in delivery - I'm not sure I have ever posted in a forum before.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Hi Oakling, 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I hope it passes soon.

I find that my thoughts can move so fast that I have no recollection of them. And they stir up emotions, which because the thought passed me by without a trace, the associated emotions remain without context. Its then impossible to identify them. Do you experience this, or something similar? 

I get a feeling of a ball, or an orb, that sits in my chest and floats outside of me at the same time. It's a feeling of something, or perhaps many something's, and it makes me feel uneasy. My heart rate will increase and I feel uncomfortable, and don't know why.

I'm sorry that I have no answers for you, or solutions. I can only let you know that you're definitely not alone.

Take care of yourself, and I do hope you feel better soon.

Kate Kestrel said:

I’ve learned to try to be accepting of the fact that sometimes I’m just having a really tough day (or week, or even month). (Or year!). 

This is me. I'm in to the (years) of having a tough day. 

Don't focus on the fact today isn't good, focus on the fact that tomorrow will be better than today. I get days like this where my emotions and feelings are odd and make no sense and can't really be explained. I've spent a long time trying to understand my feelings and why they present themselves so weirdly, but it leads to more odd feelings and greater confusion. So instead I go with the flow and fight to the end of the day in the hopes tomorrow will be better and less odd.

Anxiety makes this worse because I focus on it and then it's becoming a fixation, always on the wrong things and the feelings intensify and worsen my overall mood.

What you describe is Alexithymia, trouble identifying, understanding and describing feelings and emotions.

The feelings rarely make themselves known and when they do it can be so overwhelming that you feel like you've been hit by a bus. Usually resulting in a meltdown or panic attack.

There is an online test here:

https://embrace-autism.com/online-alexithymia-questionnaire/#test

I did the test out of curiosity and scored 170.

I've been feverish, due to illness, quite often lately. It's not been greatly different to my normal state of mind; something which is instructive...

I'm coming out of very short retirement as I totally get where you are coming from. I've since realised for me, it's often when either things have deviated from The Plan or if there are external demands on me, such as socialising etc or even if from myself such as going shopping when I don't want to but need to. I've since realised this was miles worse when in burnout. It was a bit like constant Sunday night or Monday morning feeling for me. But even that I don't feel is accurate enough. It's like massive unease. I think in the past it made me have low mood. Not knowing how I feel gives me low mood. Now I've noticed patterns I'm a bit more like "yeah hh it's that again....it'll pass". It might not be obvious things but maybe keep a diary and I use red amber and green. This is easier than doing a numerical scale so a bit more intuitive.

A wise friend said,  if you're having a *** day then have a *** day. I'm a firm believer of tomorrow is another day.

I think it's tricky because we need answers. How do I feel and why. And needing to find exactly the right words to articulate this so I understand. But the paradox is sometimes there are no answers or no immediate ones. I do find distraction helps.

I’ve learned to try to be accepting of the fact that sometimes I’m just having a really tough day (or week, or even month). (Or year!). 
On one level it helps to look at causes and triggers  - because then you can try and make changes to improve things. But it’s also true that if on some level you can accept feeling ‘bad’ then you don’t add to it by ‘feeling bad about the fact that you feel bad’. That can end up like a vicious circle. 

I struggle with anxiety and a lot of my problem is that hate the ‘feeling’ and try to fight it (fight or flight) and that only makes it worse.

I think it can help to try to accept that some of these feelings are just feelings after all - and we can ride them out, and it’s best not to worry about them too much. They will pass. 

Oakling said:

This is the best I can do at the minute to put some words out there to describe where I am at in this moment in time.

Are you journalling? If not now would seem a good time to start and as you build up a record of what you can write down (along with other stuff happening around you) then you can build up a better picture of which things are happening when you feel in a certian way.

It is rarely obvious when you are on the inside but with time you see patterns emerging that help you understand and eventually deal with these.

Have you tried a therapist? They are not particularly cheap but speaking with someone who is non-jusdgemental and actually equipped to help us through these times can be invaluable.

Please keep going with the dialogue and the community here will help as best we can.