Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone.
A wonderful friend of mine suggested posting here in the hopes that I can find some advice.
My thoughts are running so fast that I'm struggling to start. I'm struggling with everything right now, to the point living is just too overwhelming. I'm failing in my home life and failing in my work life. It feels too impossible to get through it, though I know there must be a way through, I'm just not able too see it.
I'm currently on the waiting list for talk therapy, for the 3rd time, this time to ascertain whether or not the pins and needles in my mouth and side of my face is due to anxiety. I can't talk to a GP anymore, I don't want medication it makes me feel really unwell. I don't want to be sent contact details of Samaritans, or any other groups, again. That's not helpful. I really don't like asking for help, I've been conditioned to believe that's wrong. And I'm falling down a black hole and can't see a way out.
I've lost myself, not that I've ever really understood myself. I'm only eating once a day, a small meal, and I think it's my way of gaining some sense of control.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I apologise for the very long and pointless post.
Good morning Pikl.
Nothing to say, except, Hi...and I hope your Saturday is proving to be an acceptable experience.
Flipping heck, I do express myself in the most autistic language imaginable at times. I'm not at all sure how to express my feeling - but you're on my mind and I'm trying to transmit some caring vibes in your direction. x
I love the feat you express yourself Number, it's perfect.
Thank you.
Feeling a bit like monkey see, monkey do. Which won't make sense to anyone but me.
Never under-estimate the power of a shared lived experience. That makes sense to me....a lot.....even if it is entirely other to your experience (ok, so that defo makes no sense at all.)
My "monkey see, monkey do" state is one where I am functional if I am suitably prompted. If my arm chair is slightly on fire, I won't do anything about it until it starts to hurt.....but if I see someone drop their shopping outside, I will leap up and run to help....be really helpful, sociable and reassuring....but then return to my burning armchair.
Sound familiar?
NOW you're talking my language sister !
Words aren't ever the best way to convey myself to others.........so I have made a special effort this morning and found the appropriate way to communicate my feelings towards you this fine sunny morning (and thank f*ck it isn't through the medium of modern dance!)
I'm starting to accept that perhaps talking isn't a bad thing, even though it does feel that way. Years of being secretive isn't so easily changed.