Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone.
A wonderful friend of mine suggested posting here in the hopes that I can find some advice.
My thoughts are running so fast that I'm struggling to start. I'm struggling with everything right now, to the point living is just too overwhelming. I'm failing in my home life and failing in my work life. It feels too impossible to get through it, though I know there must be a way through, I'm just not able too see it.
I'm currently on the waiting list for talk therapy, for the 3rd time, this time to ascertain whether or not the pins and needles in my mouth and side of my face is due to anxiety. I can't talk to a GP anymore, I don't want medication it makes me feel really unwell. I don't want to be sent contact details of Samaritans, or any other groups, again. That's not helpful. I really don't like asking for help, I've been conditioned to believe that's wrong. And I'm falling down a black hole and can't see a way out.
I've lost myself, not that I've ever really understood myself. I'm only eating once a day, a small meal, and I think it's my way of gaining some sense of control.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I apologise for the very long and pointless post.
Hi, sorry to hear this. I don't have any advice, sadly, but please don't feel bad for posting here. This is definitely a safe space to voice these kind of thoughts. Most of us have experienced them at one time or another.
I agree with Ann about eating/nutrition.
In terms of "failing," at work or at home, please be kind to yourself and remember you're autistic, and that makes these things much harder than for a neurotypical person. Please try to be kind to yourself, even if it's hard.
Thank you Luftmentsch. I've been in my current job for 5 years, 19 in a previous one, and I've never had to be so restrained behaviour wise. I'm waiting for an NHS assessment as nobody believes my private one, apparently I show empathy. So at work I'm awkward, weird and maybe a little too direct, and I'm not allowed to explain why. I had private done in the middle of a depressive episode and the report remarked that I had a monotone voice, which everyone knows I don't, so the diagnosis is not seen as credible. I understand the other reasons why I have to keep it secret. I'm having more and more responsibility taken from me at home, I forget to do important things and if I'm focused on drawing then that makes it harder. I've never understood who I am and now that I have a chance, it feels like I'm not permitted. This makes me feel like I'm even more wrong and broken than I had come to believe. I'm sorry I'm moaning and venting. I've lost what little sense of self I had, and I don't know what to do anymore. Again, I'm sorry for complaining, everyone here has their struggles.
You have written a very interesting and apt mish-mash of how I feel - especially right now !
Pikl said: I've lost what little sense of self I had, and I don't know what to do anymore.
Tick - with bells on!
Pikl said:I'm awkward, weird and maybe a little too direct, and I'm not allowed to explain why.
Tick, albeit I am allowed to explain why, but no one cares or believes me.
Pikl said:I forget to do important things and if I'm focused on drawing then that makes it harder.
Tick, increasingly so.
Pikl said:I've never understood who I am and now that I have a chance, it feels like I'm not permitted.
Tick.
Pikl said:I'm sorry for complaining, everyone here has their struggles.
Thank you for complaining / venting - you make me feel a little less alone today.
It's surprising just how important it is to vent, and I thank you for listening to mine. Feel free to vent at me anytime. I truly mean that.
Well, I don't feel that I'm stuck in a loop - I'm very firmly in the "yes, I am" camp - not least because I keep having more and more positive reinforcement from left, right, up, down, present, past etc. Unfortunately, I have lived my 50+ years doing a very good job of hiding the fact that I am fundamentally "other" to the majority. Everyone that I encountered was very comfortable with me just being "weird" and "different"...but the minute you explain to people why that is, resistance abounds. It is very frustrating and wholly invalidating - like people just want you to be the same as you always have been - but I want (and need) to be MUCH better and MUCH happier for my remaining 20+ (God willing) years of life.
Anyway, I mustn't hijack the airwaves with my moans and groans - but I am grateful to you today for giving me the excuse to vent today. I've needed it !!
Bless you Pikl.