Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone.
A wonderful friend of mine suggested posting here in the hopes that I can find some advice.
My thoughts are running so fast that I'm struggling to start. I'm struggling with everything right now, to the point living is just too overwhelming. I'm failing in my home life and failing in my work life. It feels too impossible to get through it, though I know there must be a way through, I'm just not able too see it.
I'm currently on the waiting list for talk therapy, for the 3rd time, this time to ascertain whether or not the pins and needles in my mouth and side of my face is due to anxiety. I can't talk to a GP anymore, I don't want medication it makes me feel really unwell. I don't want to be sent contact details of Samaritans, or any other groups, again. That's not helpful. I really don't like asking for help, I've been conditioned to believe that's wrong. And I'm falling down a black hole and can't see a way out.
I've lost myself, not that I've ever really understood myself. I'm only eating once a day, a small meal, and I think it's my way of gaining some sense of control.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I apologise for the very long and pointless post.
Hi Pikl and Kittera, You are for sure not alone and it is great that you have joined this community. I was actually just considering starting a post of my own when I read your post, as I am actually also going through something similar at the moment.
Are you still going to work? Do you think you could benefit from a break? It sounds like you are craving some time away from everything. You are really putting yourself down- I can relate to that- I feel like such a failure and think a lot of negative things about myself... which I know is not helpful but it is very hard to stop. But I am telling you that you are not a failure. It's ok to struggle and to need a break and to need help. The world can be so confusing and overwhelming. I often marvel at how so many people just seem to cope with life when I seem to be unable to do so.
So in terms of more practical steps to think about- are there any stresses in your life that you can remove so that you can have some space to feel less overwhelmed? For example can you take a time off from work? (I know that can be super hard- I have known for weeks and months now that I desperately need a break and that I am getting severely burnt out- it just got worse and worse and but I just felt too guilty to allow myself to stop. I finally talked to a GP again this Friday and was told to stay off work and rest- even then I still wasn't sure if I could let myself take that- I needed to be told to stop. This has happened to me before as well. I think I would have kept going to physically collapsing if someone hadn't stopped me at the time.) It's ok to need a break. Also are there any other commitments you can drop? You mention failing in the home? What do you mean by that?
Are there any things you enjoy? or hobbies that you have? (if you have the energy for them at moment) If you could choose- what would you like to do at the moment? And if the answer is nothing at all and just rest and retreat- that's fine. We need that sometimes to recharge. But if there are any activities you enjoy, that might help. In the past exercise and outdoor activities really helped for me but I've been injured for 3 years now... - do you think you might enjoy a walk? Just be careful if you are not eating well.
In terms of food, I don't even know where to start- I struggle a lot with eating and digestive issues and it gets worse when I am stressed and I get hyperstuck in routines... I am also have other compulsive behaviours... It's a vicious cycle too as lack of food will also further pull down your mood but if you are struggling, then eating is even more difficult. It probably would help to have some more nutrition. Can you make eating as easy as possible? Get some ready meals (can get healthy ones if you prefer that)? order a take-away? have some easy things you can grab. I am at the moment living solely of ready meals and convenience options (after spending over 6 months only eating 1 brand of whole grain rolls, eggs, carrots and apples...) - My dietitian is very supportive of me not cooking at moment- apparently it is totally possible to have a healthy diet without cooking and she feels that in my current state, I probably do not have mental or physical energy to deal with the myriad decisions and things cooking involves...
It's awful that it takes so long to access help and therapy... and then it is often not really tailored to the needs of autistic people- I am also in desperate need of someone who can help me manage stress and anxiety... but so far the therapy I've had/tried has been useless at best and it is just very difficult to access (to be fair - I have moved countries quite a bit though so that hasn't helped)- I am sure there are good therapists out there, it's just a matter of being lucky enough to access a good one... But in the meantime, I would recommend reaching out on this forum to people- there is so much wisdom here.
You are definitely not alone. We are all here to support each other. I hope you manage to find a way forward and please be kind to yourself!!
Hi Ann,
Sorry about last night, I got too emotional and was just sobbing whilst sitting on my bed.
Unfortunately I'm not able to remove my stressors, and I think they are seeping into other things and causing stress there also. And for financial reasons I'm not able to break from work. I've got myself into a right mess.
I had a severe depressive episode that lasted 19 months, my worst by far. In that time I was told I was very likely autistic, and I had a private diagnosis, still waiting for NHS assessment. When the darkness finally lifted in June 2021 it was as though not all of me came back, or that I came back more damaged than before. I suppose I'm trying to make sense of what happened and if it was all real, and I'm unable to process it.
I appreciate you reaching out to me yesterday, and I apologise if I seemed ungrateful.
Thank you Ann, so much. I'm sorry you're going through a really bad time. Sorry, I'm in tears and feel really selfish for having posted. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply and for all your advice. I really hope things get better for you.