Social interaktions and self disgust

(DISCLAIMER: Im self diagnosed, and as most self diagnosed I spend most of my time questioning my self diagnosis, some days I'm convinced i'm autistic, others I'm convinced I'm not and others i'm so sick of doubting that I say I'd rather not “define myself” in that way. Anyways, I can't guarantee my perspective comes from someone autistic but I can guarantee it comes from someone who has, for the first time in their life, found something to relate to in autism.)

Social interactions or situations often (if not always) leave me with a feeling of self disgust. It's hard to pinpoint why I feel this way. Am I ashamed of the way I acted? How did I even act? I've had experiences with this feeling my whole life and now I've tried to analyze it and theorize around it to comprehend it better and move on from that. 

This is my theory: 

In social interactions, such as conversations etc,  I’m self centered and don’t take others into consideration. When engaging in social situations I don’t see the others. It’s like dancing. I've danced a lot in my life and when dancing you have to be in your own bubble, that’s the only way to truly let loose, you have to not think about the others in the room but find “the zone”. Perhaps I treat social interactions the same way. I consider social situations as an act where I can display my own persona. If I don’t think that way I’ll get all tangled up in analyzing the others (something I find kind of impossible and therefore it would take up all my attention). It’s about two extremes, either be a complete wallflower and observe others, or make myself the single act, an object for observation. Afterwards I feel self disgust without really knowing why. The act is over. I got caught up in it, now I don’t know how I acted or how people felt about it. It is, really, a social hangover. As if I've been drunk and can't quite remember what I did, but the feeling is there nevertheless that it was something awfully embarassing or even hurtful towards the ones around me. 

The thing with acting this way (as a way of coping I guess) is that it works, to a certain extent. Society favors the extroverted who takes up space in a conversation. And generally if someone is acting dominating, others will assume that person IS dominating and therefore follow their lead, they can’t openly reject the dominating parts behavior because that would break the social structure. So I might say something, others laugh, I must have done something right, I think. But the problem is that no one wants to spend time with that person in person. This way I never get any friends. I’m the one people secretly condemn as dominating and annoying in private but don’t tell so I’m public. That way I’m never let into the private sphere, and I in turn don’t know what this private sphere is or how to let people into it. I sense this and get the feeling I’m MISSING OUT ON SOMETHING OF IMPORTANCE. In every single social situation ever. And that’s when the questions come, does everyone secretly hate me? Why? Which sets off a chain reaction of increasing paranoia.

Does this theory make any sense? 

Are my only alternatives eternal loneliness or exhaustion because of constant attempts to be pleasant in conversations?