Social interaktions and self disgust

Thank you @nas81738 for your message. This is a very relatable issue, and one I struggle with, so I have tried to address some of your post. No offense is intended, and I do not mean to disregard the anguish of the situation that you find yourself in, but there are some statements that you make that it might be worthwhile scrutinizing.

NAS81738 said:

In social interactions, such as conversations etc,  I’m self centered and don’t take others into consideration. When engaging in social situations I don’t see the others. It’s like dancing. I've danced a lot in my life and when dancing you have to be in your own bubble, that’s the only way to truly let loose, you have to not think about the others in the room but find “the zone”.

A conversation is a dialogue between two people. If you are being "self centered" and not "tak[ing] others into consideration", you are going into a dialogue as if it is a monologue. This is like taking a golf club to a cricket match - you are not setting yourself up for any opportunity for dialogue. If you are dancing with someone, you have to be aware of both your presence and theirs. This is difficult - both in practice and conceptually - but not doing it perhaps is causing a wall to be sensed.

NAS81738 said:

Perhaps I treat social interactions the same way. I consider social situations as an act where I can display my own persona.

If you go into a social situation with the sense of being false... are you not setting it up to be false? See the comment above. It might be worth thinking not what you expect from social interactions - but what you expect from a specific social interaction. Be particular, be concrete, rather than universal.

NAS81738 said:

The thing with acting this way (as a way of coping I guess) is that it works, to a certain extent

That "certain extent" is doing a lot of lifting.

NAS81738 said:

Society favors the extroverted who takes up space in a conversation. And generally if someone is acting dominating, others will assume that person IS dominating and therefore follow their lead, they can’t openly reject the dominating parts behavior because that would break the social structure.

Which society are you depicting here? There are many societies that value quietness, thoughtfulness, and calm. Others value listening. You are beginning with an assumption, and in doing so, setting out for it to be confirmed. As you note yourself later - society doesn't always favour the "extroverted who takes up space in a conversation" - because they are often subtly, and quietly, avoided in the long term.

NAS81738 said:

This way I never get any friends. I’m the one people secretly condemn as dominating and annoying in private but don’t tell so I’m public. That way I’m never let into the private sphere, and I in turn don’t know what this private sphere is or how to let people into it. I sense this and get the feeling I’m MISSING OUT ON SOMETHING OF IMPORTANCE. In every single social situation ever. And that’s when the questions come, does everyone secretly hate me? Why? Which sets off a chain reaction of increasing paranoia.

I might be wrong here, but it seems that this is somewhat an existential issue. Sartre writes about 'bad faith'. Apologies if I have misread your text, but there is a sense of the inauthentic here - a sense of trying to out forward a persona but expecting others to be authentic and human.

NAS81738 said:

I sense this and get the feeling I’m MISSING OUT ON SOMETHING OF IMPORTANCE

It has taken me a long time to sense that things - external or internal - do not give importance to one's existence, do not provide a meaning. They *add* meaning. I am unable to spend time on X does not mean I cannot get some value from Y. Watching a film in a cinema means I miss out on possible conversation, but it does not mean I cannot get some meaning (and communication) from the audiovisual that is in front of me for an hour or two; the same for the reverse. The feeling you get - which is one I often get - might be rooted in a similar issue that I have - a sense that I have made the wrong selection, or that I do not have confidence in my judgment. (I sense I am going off-topic here. Apologies.)

NAS81738 said:

In every single social situation ever. And that’s when the questions come, does everyone secretly hate me? Why? Which sets off a chain reaction of increasing paranoia.

These appear to be rather extreme responses - presumably to conversations that do not require such a burden of emotive reaction. It may be valuable speaking to a professional about where this defensive-aggressive stance comes from. I often struggle with such questions and chain reactions - and it is often from an unresolved issue that triggers the same response in either similar - or, more of a burden, any - situation(s).

NAS81738 said:

Are my only alternatives eternal loneliness or exhaustion because of constant attempts to be pleasant in conversations?

It may seem so, but existence is not binary - it is not an either/or. Perceiving it so makes it appear more so. Outside of the duality is an awful lot of nuance. Remembering to be aware of this, I find, it helpful in stopping such thinking.

Apologies for the length, but looking at these elements might help you dismantle the perception trap that you and your surroundings have designed - and help you construct a system that is friendlier to both you and others.

You have not described a theory, you have described your life experience and associated feelings that come with it.  I am familiar with many of the aspects that you have described above.  It's tough!  Stick around for a while and see what gets your attention.  You are welcome here.  The answers that you seek will come over time - not in a single response to your perfectly reasonable questions above.  Give it time.  Nice to see your honest and forthright writing.

I can relate to a degree. That hangover feeling is exactly right. In my case it can be more like an intense shivery fever where I can't get enough warmth and sleep into me in the hours afterwards. A sense of delirium and confusion as to whether I did well, poorly, adequately, or what in terms of conversational flow, appropriate rationing of run-on sentences, coming in at the right place, introducing good/bad topics from scratch during pauses and so on. I was out with two friends in town last night for the first time in months and while I'm glad I made myself tick the social box and genuinely wanted to see them, the fact that it was that plus tapas etiquette plus background noise plus a town full of beautiful people with me the only mutant in it etc. all built to a crescendo of just needing to get home to silence and that first larynx-soothing mug of tea. Then another friend (might sound like I have loads, but in total it's about six IRL ones) called me needing to chat about something that was on his mind. And so I took the call but  my conversational circuits were so burned out that I literally spoke gibberish for two minutes at the start while I tried to re-enter talking mode on completely flat batteries. 

Often I do feel self-disgust afterwards, yes. There is a lot of post-morteming. I'm also extremely self-aware of my communication inadequacies ever since someone told me that I'm very offputting in phone conversations. When your self-esteem is floor level to start with, that's devastating to try and take on board. I sometimes wish I could take a vow of silence, but my life isn't set up to accommodate that so I'll never have the dignity of articulate silence, just verbose imprecision and tortuously long attempts to get to the point.