Published on 12, July, 2020
I know none of you can help me or in all probability offer me new advice but I felt I have to say this just once. I'm afraid everything my all fall apart and the wheels will come off my life and I'll do something stupid.
My contract is about to end. It was supposed to end early October. I was told it was extended till the end of December. Today I was told the money for that ran out but they were going to use another source of money to extend my contract. It makes me very nervous I've nothing in writing about this extension. This was supposed to be my dream job. It's been the best I've ever had for sure, but it's not been quite the dream I was promised. I was recruited to work on the maths of human ageing but told I'd have to take on a side project working on cancer. Since then I found out that side project pays my wage and is supposed to be 100% of my job. I spent roughly 2 years planing on the basis that my research to move more into ageing research as time went on but the cancer project kept taking up most of my time.
What is worse this cancer project when I took it on my predecessor basically said it was imposable. And it's taken nearly 3 years and in my efforts to solve the problem I've found more or less the closest thing you could get to proof that what I've been asked to do is imposable. While I'll be able to publish this research, probably, it won't get in a good journal which is not great for my career. Now my boss is warning me to not mention that I've been working on anti ageing projects at the upcoming conference with our collaborators. No more than that he's warning me they know I've been involved in them and is asking me to play down my involvement if asked. This makes me very uncomfortable.
More over my job hunting has not been going well. I don't want to move out of the general area where I live. I want to be close enough that I can drive to see family and friends with out it being a special occasion. This has basically confined me to the north of England which is not that well stocked with research jobs in my area. The idea of dropping out of research is hugely depressing to me and I'm not sure how I'll cope in a corporate environment. The idea of dropping into unemployment is very stressful.
But pre-pandemic I lived out of range of the place I grew up; for work; for 6 months. I made no friends, felt totally isolated and very depressed. It was only the pandemic that saw me move back in with my farther. I can't be totally isolated like that again.
I don't have a social life and it's hugely isolating. I live with my father who I love but share nothing in common with. I visit my brother regularly who has sevear depression and a host of minor health and major financial problems. The support in our relationship mostly flows one way. I have an autistic friend I sometimes hang out with but she is being periodically hospitalised with sevear health issues or by her occasional suicide attempts. Again the support can feel a bit one sided. Aside from that I have no one I hang out with with any regularity. There are no regular groups I go to since I was thrown out of the anime society. I've tried to set up my own groups, advertised online. No one ever comes. I don't find online 'hanging out' to be particularly helpful or indeed feasible.
My mother died in 2014. My father recently entered a secret marriage. Secret in the sense that it happened at a registry office, only me and my brother were there as witnesses, we only found out about it 3 days before and none of his wife's family knows. In fact he didn't even tell his closest friends. This is apparently because she has never told her family that she converted to Christianity years ago and is therefor not willing to tell them she's married an older christian man. They are talking about moving over seas at some point in the future as far as I can tell because she believes that way she can avoid ever telling her family about her conversion and marriage. In this case I'll lose my farther (in a practical he's available sense) and quite possibly the only home i've ever known.
I've been on anti depressants before. I don't want to do it again. It was hard to tolerate the side effects and I had real support back then too. More than now. I hated my job back then, that was a big part of it. It was getting to the point I couldn't function at work. I found it soul destroying. Then I got kicked out of anime soc that didn't help. I can't do that again. If everything goes wrong. If I find myself loosing a career and home with no one suitable to support me I think I might do something drastic. I can't say I've never thought about it before.
HI Peter
I wanted to say few words about depression problem
I know how you 're feeling now, more or less, I've been in a similar situation myself few years ago, and I was revisiting thoughts about ending it all permanently as well
Antidepressants suck big time, existing 'advice and support' is actual;ly doing nothing except making you relive painful moments so they could satisfy their curiosity, and then there is 'there is nothing we can do, we exploited all options' or other crap
I made it through by following routine, the day planned from getting up to going to bed, and going to work and restocking shelves,in supermarket keeping my mind busy and away from bad thoughts, at least until I got home, sudoku is a good idea, perfect for a break time at work, I found hashish helping, at least so I could relax a bit, and watch a movie, eat a dinner and go to bed, and like that for months, just hanging there
Sometime during that period I met someone who might potentially become my 3rd friend, he is a poet, and probably because of his influence I felt like 'Ok let's give it a go and see if I can do it'' and i did write my first story and few poems, teachers at school convinced me I'm hopeless in that area and i believed it until now, but they were wrong.
Now I have an emergency plan, a sort of radical solution to all problems, I'm writing a book, and it keeps me busy at home, and since I started I gradually started improving, and I'm good again now.
You need to find yours radical solution.
Hi, this resonates with me a lot- medical professionals and counsellors so far have not managed to improve my mental health (only make it worse... ) except from my dietitian who is the only professional that has been able to help me (and mostly with non-food related issues). Writing a book sounds like an amazing thing to do- it really helps when you have something productive and useful to do that you enjoy! I also find that I do so much better when I have some kindof aim or purpose. The challenge is finding the right aim/thing- if too burnt out it cannot be too taxing- in the past i used to love planning hiking trips - that always gave me such a boost as it had all this planning involved from booking huts, to planning route, to organising equipment, training etc etc. (unfortunately the past years this has not been possible due to injuries). Work/studies has also served as an aim for me but it has been failing recently as I am too exhausted. I agree that what works in terms of improving mental health is so so personal. I know I need an aim/ something to do but it can be hard to balance that with the need for rest too.
I'm so glad you didn't believe your teachers- It's so presumptious of them to even think that they can judge the quality of poetry and stories- it's a matter of taste ! It makes me mad though- they should be encouraging people to explore what they love and boost confidence and not shoot them down and make them feel incompetent and small.