Published on 12, July, 2020
I know none of you can help me or in all probability offer me new advice but I felt I have to say this just once. I'm afraid everything my all fall apart and the wheels will come off my life and I'll do something stupid.
My contract is about to end. It was supposed to end early October. I was told it was extended till the end of December. Today I was told the money for that ran out but they were going to use another source of money to extend my contract. It makes me very nervous I've nothing in writing about this extension. This was supposed to be my dream job. It's been the best I've ever had for sure, but it's not been quite the dream I was promised. I was recruited to work on the maths of human ageing but told I'd have to take on a side project working on cancer. Since then I found out that side project pays my wage and is supposed to be 100% of my job. I spent roughly 2 years planing on the basis that my research to move more into ageing research as time went on but the cancer project kept taking up most of my time.
What is worse this cancer project when I took it on my predecessor basically said it was imposable. And it's taken nearly 3 years and in my efforts to solve the problem I've found more or less the closest thing you could get to proof that what I've been asked to do is imposable. While I'll be able to publish this research, probably, it won't get in a good journal which is not great for my career. Now my boss is warning me to not mention that I've been working on anti ageing projects at the upcoming conference with our collaborators. No more than that he's warning me they know I've been involved in them and is asking me to play down my involvement if asked. This makes me very uncomfortable.
More over my job hunting has not been going well. I don't want to move out of the general area where I live. I want to be close enough that I can drive to see family and friends with out it being a special occasion. This has basically confined me to the north of England which is not that well stocked with research jobs in my area. The idea of dropping out of research is hugely depressing to me and I'm not sure how I'll cope in a corporate environment. The idea of dropping into unemployment is very stressful.
But pre-pandemic I lived out of range of the place I grew up; for work; for 6 months. I made no friends, felt totally isolated and very depressed. It was only the pandemic that saw me move back in with my farther. I can't be totally isolated like that again.
I don't have a social life and it's hugely isolating. I live with my father who I love but share nothing in common with. I visit my brother regularly who has sevear depression and a host of minor health and major financial problems. The support in our relationship mostly flows one way. I have an autistic friend I sometimes hang out with but she is being periodically hospitalised with sevear health issues or by her occasional suicide attempts. Again the support can feel a bit one sided. Aside from that I have no one I hang out with with any regularity. There are no regular groups I go to since I was thrown out of the anime society. I've tried to set up my own groups, advertised online. No one ever comes. I don't find online 'hanging out' to be particularly helpful or indeed feasible.
My mother died in 2014. My father recently entered a secret marriage. Secret in the sense that it happened at a registry office, only me and my brother were there as witnesses, we only found out about it 3 days before and none of his wife's family knows. In fact he didn't even tell his closest friends. This is apparently because she has never told her family that she converted to Christianity years ago and is therefor not willing to tell them she's married an older christian man. They are talking about moving over seas at some point in the future as far as I can tell because she believes that way she can avoid ever telling her family about her conversion and marriage. In this case I'll lose my farther (in a practical he's available sense) and quite possibly the only home i've ever known.
I've been on anti depressants before. I don't want to do it again. It was hard to tolerate the side effects and I had real support back then too. More than now. I hated my job back then, that was a big part of it. It was getting to the point I couldn't function at work. I found it soul destroying. Then I got kicked out of anime soc that didn't help. I can't do that again. If everything goes wrong. If I find myself loosing a career and home with no one suitable to support me I think I might do something drastic. I can't say I've never thought about it before.
Hi @NAS69018, I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a challenging time.
If you feel that you might need some support with your mental health, you can find advice and information on how to go about seeking help, including links to other resources and details of helplines and listening support services, here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help.
Best wishes,
Anna Mod
It’s a nice thought but really what suport? I can’t very well talk to my dad or brother about how, amoung at other things, the prospect of my dad moving away with his secret wife is making me literally have suicidal thoughts. I’d be accused of emotional blackmail. I can’t tell my other friend because she is literally already being treated for suicidal thoughts herself. I’m one of the few sources of reliable support she has.
ive looked at IAPTs but all that’s available is the same depression course I’ve already done. A CBT workbook and an hours telephone call one a month to discuss what I’ve filled in. I don’t think that’s going to help me.
I could go to my GP but all they’re going to do is try to put me back on anti depressants and maybe refer me to the afore mentioned CBT workbook service.
the ‘standard’ sources of support are not really viable here.
The answer has to come from within. Some support mechanisms are inhabited by Snakes and Vultures. But I'm fortunate to have an understanding Key Worker.