Published on 12, July, 2020
I know none of you can help me or in all probability offer me new advice but I felt I have to say this just once. I'm afraid everything my all fall apart and the wheels will come off my life and I'll do something stupid.
My contract is about to end. It was supposed to end early October. I was told it was extended till the end of December. Today I was told the money for that ran out but they were going to use another source of money to extend my contract. It makes me very nervous I've nothing in writing about this extension. This was supposed to be my dream job. It's been the best I've ever had for sure, but it's not been quite the dream I was promised. I was recruited to work on the maths of human ageing but told I'd have to take on a side project working on cancer. Since then I found out that side project pays my wage and is supposed to be 100% of my job. I spent roughly 2 years planing on the basis that my research to move more into ageing research as time went on but the cancer project kept taking up most of my time.
What is worse this cancer project when I took it on my predecessor basically said it was imposable. And it's taken nearly 3 years and in my efforts to solve the problem I've found more or less the closest thing you could get to proof that what I've been asked to do is imposable. While I'll be able to publish this research, probably, it won't get in a good journal which is not great for my career. Now my boss is warning me to not mention that I've been working on anti ageing projects at the upcoming conference with our collaborators. No more than that he's warning me they know I've been involved in them and is asking me to play down my involvement if asked. This makes me very uncomfortable.
More over my job hunting has not been going well. I don't want to move out of the general area where I live. I want to be close enough that I can drive to see family and friends with out it being a special occasion. This has basically confined me to the north of England which is not that well stocked with research jobs in my area. The idea of dropping out of research is hugely depressing to me and I'm not sure how I'll cope in a corporate environment. The idea of dropping into unemployment is very stressful.
But pre-pandemic I lived out of range of the place I grew up; for work; for 6 months. I made no friends, felt totally isolated and very depressed. It was only the pandemic that saw me move back in with my farther. I can't be totally isolated like that again.
I don't have a social life and it's hugely isolating. I live with my father who I love but share nothing in common with. I visit my brother regularly who has sevear depression and a host of minor health and major financial problems. The support in our relationship mostly flows one way. I have an autistic friend I sometimes hang out with but she is being periodically hospitalised with sevear health issues or by her occasional suicide attempts. Again the support can feel a bit one sided. Aside from that I have no one I hang out with with any regularity. There are no regular groups I go to since I was thrown out of the anime society. I've tried to set up my own groups, advertised online. No one ever comes. I don't find online 'hanging out' to be particularly helpful or indeed feasible.
My mother died in 2014. My father recently entered a secret marriage. Secret in the sense that it happened at a registry office, only me and my brother were there as witnesses, we only found out about it 3 days before and none of his wife's family knows. In fact he didn't even tell his closest friends. This is apparently because she has never told her family that she converted to Christianity years ago and is therefor not willing to tell them she's married an older christian man. They are talking about moving over seas at some point in the future as far as I can tell because she believes that way she can avoid ever telling her family about her conversion and marriage. In this case I'll lose my farther (in a practical he's available sense) and quite possibly the only home i've ever known.
I've been on anti depressants before. I don't want to do it again. It was hard to tolerate the side effects and I had real support back then too. More than now. I hated my job back then, that was a big part of it. It was getting to the point I couldn't function at work. I found it soul destroying. Then I got kicked out of anime soc that didn't help. I can't do that again. If everything goes wrong. If I find myself loosing a career and home with no one suitable to support me I think I might do something drastic. I can't say I've never thought about it before.
You are facing a lot of potential major life changes, something that autistic people find particularly difficult. Much of the situation is uncertain and out of your direct control. However I think you already know that catastrophising about possible scenarios is not helpful and uses up a lot of mental energy unnecessarily.
From what you have said it sounds the job is very different to what you were led to believe. Furthermore you are now being asked to keep quiet about that. I would not feel at all comfortable with that either. Not only is your employer not being honest with you but they are expecting your co-operation in their deception. I assume you will be required to make some sort of presentation at the conference and then possibly answer questions about it. I think in that situation I would say that I will answer any questions honestly.
Just because this research job may end shortly doesn't mean that there won't be other opportunities available. Dealing with uncertainty is difficult. Try and gather as much information as you can from your employer to try and assess what is actually going to happen with the funding. However they may not be honest with you about that either.
Might there be opportunities elsewhere to pursue the kind of human ageing research you are interested in? Could you combine that with your knowledge of autism? There is currently very little research into ageing in autistic people. The Autistica YouTube channel has a lot on there about the types of research projects currently being funded. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOczrUsUjmBbUMPT0HIgGKg
Have you discussed with your father his plans to move abroad? At some point in the future is too vague for you to worry about at this stage. They might be just dreams at the moment and you are worrying unnecessarily. If and when they do move you may have already moved out of the family home.
I had very negative effects on antidepressants too, even though in my case they were mainly prescribed for anxiety rather than depression. The SSRI type made me extremely agitated with suicidal thoughts. Another type made me angry and aggressive. Like you I won't go back there again.
I am wondering if the events that led you to being expelled from the anime group happened while you were on these antidepressants? If so could you possibly explain to the group leader how much this negatively impacted you at the time and ask to be re-admitted to the group? Alternatively are there any similar groups you could join?
Autonomistic said:Not only is your employer not being honest with you but they are expecting your co-operation in their deception.
I believe they honestly believed what they told me at the job interview. But I expect as often happened the plans changed and my boss wasn't keen to spell out that the parameters of my job had changed.
Autonomistic said:I assume you will be required to make some sort of presentation at the conference and then possibly answer questions about it.
Yes but if so it will be technical. Issues of time spent here or there aren't likely to come up. It's more likely to come up in conversation.
Autonomistic said:Might there be opportunities elsewhere to pursue the kind of human ageing research you are interested in? Could you combine that with your knowledge of autism?
Of course I'm looking but this field is very niche. And the application of my key skills are only slightly less niche too. Really systems biology doesn't have application outside of medical / biological research. I don't think there is much scope for autism research to be involved or useful here.
Autonomistic said:They might be just dreams at the moment and you are worrying unnecessarily.
He seemed pretty clear his plan was to move far away and possibly out of the country.
Autonomistic said:Have you discussed with your father his plans to move abroad?
This is the same man who a week before his wedding when me and my brother told him we felt uneasy with the amount of secrecy around his relationship told us there was nothing we needed to know. A few days later he was telling us he was getting married in 3 days. He's not open to being open about his plans, for what ever reason.
Autonomistic said:If so could you possibly explain to the group leader how much this negatively impacted you at the time and ask to be re-admitted to the group?
This and the issue of autism was raised. And they basically said they didn't care. Then I sued them and settled out of court. Mainly because I was worried about a potential situation where I might win and still have to pay them a lot of money, such is our legal system. I think it's safe to say there is no prospect of a return soon.
Autonomistic said:Alternatively are there any similar groups you could join?
There aren't. I've even tried to create them for that reason, with no success.