Loneliness as an autistic person

Rather than trying to make friends (which can come across as creepy, at least it did for me!) try practicing "making people happy" or my favourite, "helping people out" or even, "being useful"...

All are good social skills to have, and will make friends appear "naturally" and when they do, help you keep them.

Same here. Every time I try to meet someone new online, they automatically assume that I am a stalker and that makes me feel disappointed since all I'm trying to do is make friends.

It only has to be that way if you don't manage to "upskill" in the field of human relations.

I broke though that paradigm in my thirties...

In the meantime, try learning how to make a "pet" happy. I like cats myself, as they start out not accepting the status of "pet" very easily and when you develop a bond make excellent and reliable animal companions, and don;t seem to hold your bad days against you if you apologise when it's appropriate for your bad behaviour. 

And if your cat runs off, then you know that you have issues that need to be addressed. Needless to say being able to look after an animal and keep it happy, is a stepping stone to being able to do the same with a human being.

Make no bones about it, we are both cursed and blessed with Autism. Life truly is what you make of it more than what others impose on you, but doing well in life as an Autist requires stepping up and taking control. 

How you do it, by consensus or by autocratic means is up to you, but take control you must. 

We seem to have extraordinary powers of detachment from some situations and over involvement in others. The detachment is very powerful and useful, the passion can be productive but only when directed by self control and wisdom, (Ive not had a great deal of success in that arena myself!). 

But I absolutely promise you, you can have good and dependable friends, if you work & study at being the best you can be. I recommend learning a bit about "transactional analysis" as a good primer. Being a good friend is an absolute, and it doesn't matter whether you learn how to do it as a "procedure", or whether it comes naturally, by the time you can do it well, the effect is the same.

And finding those really good friends is like finding gold, you do have to process the dirt to get to the shiny!

Yes- I also think this is a good way forward- it's often easiest to connect to people through a shared interest. 

I've just come to terms with the fact that I will never have friends I can rely on and I think that focusing on myself is the best option. I tried every trick and none of them worked, I craved friendships for years and years but now I've given up - likewise with you I don't know what to do.

I have had to come to terms with the fact that I won't have that human connection/friendship.

Yes - I think volunteering, joining a club or something - that is the way forward for many people. My son has left college due to the pressure of his social anxiety and selective mutism - but being at home is only making him feel more isolated. When he is feeling strong enough I’m hoping he’ll be able to go out into the world again and make some connections with people through volunteering etc. Deep down he’s not happy with completely withdrawing from people - he wants to connect with others - he just finds it very difficult. Good luck everyone x 

as some one who has been where you are please consider joining a club. If there is any student club that closely aligns with your interests join it and turn up to events. Even if it means catching a late bus home or occasionally getting a taxi. trust me it will be worth it.

Transaction is a great word for it! 

I like to view friendships as a type of Investment. 

Friendships with NeuroTypical individuals take a lot of conscious reasoning. However, it's first important to note the difference between Masking, which is a kind of response and receiving mode, verses Intentional Mindfulness. Learning to afford dignity, to afford room for others to be unique (NTs especially need to feel this), to afford kindness and to always have something to bring (even if it is an affirmation), is part of investing into another. All friendships are built on mutual respect and mutual trust.

I think as Autistic, we can get used to never feeling a sense of Agency, and because of this, we might not learn How to take Responsibility. How to find small ways to be responsible toward and with another. How to find small ways to contribute. I think we can tend to feel drained so much being mismatched with society, that we never seize time to be purposefully alone (distinct from Isolation) and learn to know our selves better to know what we have to offer. This is key to any relation-with, relation-ship. 

I like the idea of being on a ship together. What would my role be? If there were two of us, could the other rely on me? 

Unfortunately, the one marginalised and the ones who are 'foreign' are required to learn to fit in. This is somewhat sad and exhausting. BUT. Once we earn trust and mindfully engage with another how they understand, we can be given room to expose our nuances, differences and oddities (haha) and find acceptance for who we are. 

Still, my ADHD friends totally accept me as I am. Autistic individuals need no explanations or extras and I can still be mindful in Autistic ways. There are particular types of individuals I've learned to completely avoid and some to keep at a reasonable distance. A NT who is incredibly controlling or enjoys competition, I keep a safe distance from. We can choose our friends :) 

I will soon leave school forever, as an autistic person this terrifies me as well, it seemed my only access to social life. I am not sure my classmates will keep in contact.  That's why I joined this community (just yesterday really), but if I have to be honest: I am glad you feel that way. Because I understand how you feel, and if I can give you advice? I think that when I am volunteering or doing an activity with other people, the conversations just start on themselves. You can really connect when doing something you like.

If you are surrounded by hostile people who won't leave you alone, then you have to either escape or subdue them.

There is no point in suffering needlessly. 

Hi :) 

I’m so sorry you’re feeling lonely. Most autistic people know this feeling well I’m sure. My son is temporarily out of college because he has social anxiety and selective mutism and felt totally isolated when at college. He just couldn’t stand being there anymore and feeling so excluded. I remember feeling this way at school and Uni too sometimes. It’s a horrible feeling. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. You’re not alone - people in this community really understand what it’s like. 
I don’t have any answers but I just wanted to send you solidarity and support. 

It's a lot easier to make friends when you know how people generally work. 

I've found all my friendships to be transaction based, especially the ones who would deny it the most. Knowing that friendships are transaction based, does not diminsh their value, so much as give you the ability to keep em going, and ward off problems. 

For those who NEED TO KNOW, google "transactional analysis". It literally saved my life as a young man...

It would be great if NAS could set up a discussion board for young adults to connect....

Hey I think I added you

Hey i’m in a similar situation but i just dropped out of uni because i had no friends and was really far from home. If you want to be friends (i’m 19F) just add my discord sads#7777. I hope you feel better soon