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Loneliness as an autistic person

SummerBerries

God it's so lonely when you're autistic. No-one ever understands. I'm sobbing because the person I thought was my best friend made plans with other people for their bday. And I know they can have other friends but it stings because they're the only person I consider a friend. I'm so terrible at making friends and I'm so hurt that I wasn't invited to their bday. I'm so lonely all the time. I just want friends and nobody understands that I just physically find it impossible to engage with new people which leaves me stuck in the loop of having nobody anymore now I've left school. I'm at uni and because I commute from home I haven't made a single friend there yet either. I'm only posting this to vent really. Because I don't see how anyone can give me helpful advice when I've felt this most of my life. Just so alienated from everyone. It hurts. 

Parents

  • It's a lot easier to make friends when you know how people generally work. 

    I've found all my friendships to be transaction based, especially the ones who would deny it the most. Knowing that friendships are transaction based, does not diminsh their value, so much as give you the ability to keep em going, and ward off problems. 

    For those who NEED TO KNOW, google "transactional analysis". It literally saved my life as a young man...

  • in reply to I Sperg

    Transaction is a great word for it! 

    I like to view friendships as a type of Investment. 

    Friendships with NeuroTypical individuals take a lot of conscious reasoning. However, it's first important to note the difference between Masking, which is a kind of response and receiving mode, verses Intentional Mindfulness. Learning to afford dignity, to afford room for others to be unique (NTs especially need to feel this), to afford kindness and to always have something to bring (even if it is an affirmation), is part of investing into another. All friendships are built on mutual respect and mutual trust.

    I think as Autistic, we can get used to never feeling a sense of Agency, and because of this, we might not learn How to take Responsibility. How to find small ways to be responsible toward and with another. How to find small ways to contribute. I think we can tend to feel drained so much being mismatched with society, that we never seize time to be purposefully alone (distinct from Isolation) and learn to know our selves better to know what we have to offer. This is key to any relation-with, relation-ship. 

    I like the idea of being on a ship together. What would my role be? If there were two of us, could the other rely on me? 

    Unfortunately, the one marginalised and the ones who are 'foreign' are required to learn to fit in. This is somewhat sad and exhausting. BUT. Once we earn trust and mindfully engage with another how they understand, we can be given room to expose our nuances, differences and oddities (haha) and find acceptance for who we are. 

    Still, my ADHD friends totally accept me as I am. Autistic individuals need no explanations or extras and I can still be mindful in Autistic ways. There are particular types of individuals I've learned to completely avoid and some to keep at a reasonable distance. A NT who is incredibly controlling or enjoys competition, I keep a safe distance from. We can choose our friends :) 

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  • in reply to I Sperg

    Transaction is a great word for it! 

    I like to view friendships as a type of Investment. 

    Friendships with NeuroTypical individuals take a lot of conscious reasoning. However, it's first important to note the difference between Masking, which is a kind of response and receiving mode, verses Intentional Mindfulness. Learning to afford dignity, to afford room for others to be unique (NTs especially need to feel this), to afford kindness and to always have something to bring (even if it is an affirmation), is part of investing into another. All friendships are built on mutual respect and mutual trust.

    I think as Autistic, we can get used to never feeling a sense of Agency, and because of this, we might not learn How to take Responsibility. How to find small ways to be responsible toward and with another. How to find small ways to contribute. I think we can tend to feel drained so much being mismatched with society, that we never seize time to be purposefully alone (distinct from Isolation) and learn to know our selves better to know what we have to offer. This is key to any relation-with, relation-ship. 

    I like the idea of being on a ship together. What would my role be? If there were two of us, could the other rely on me? 

    Unfortunately, the one marginalised and the ones who are 'foreign' are required to learn to fit in. This is somewhat sad and exhausting. BUT. Once we earn trust and mindfully engage with another how they understand, we can be given room to expose our nuances, differences and oddities (haha) and find acceptance for who we are. 

    Still, my ADHD friends totally accept me as I am. Autistic individuals need no explanations or extras and I can still be mindful in Autistic ways. There are particular types of individuals I've learned to completely avoid and some to keep at a reasonable distance. A NT who is incredibly controlling or enjoys competition, I keep a safe distance from. We can choose our friends :) 

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