Published on 12, July, 2020
I've spent a lot of time on online forums of a controversial nature.
It turns out I'm rather good at surviving them, and simply getting along, whereas in the real world I'm not so good at social interactions.
Here, it seems people come and go far more often than on regular forums, and since this is a MAJOR resource for people of our disposition, I'd like to try and help the rest of you become better at it, like I am. So here's where a LOT of you are doing it wrong.
1: TAKE YOU TIME WITH THE REPLYING!! - Seriously, that's the number 1 thing you need to do! THE more urgent it feels to get in a reply the MORE you need to pause and reflect.
AND
2: TREAT EVERYONE HOW YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED! - Forget how they are seemingly treating you, and concentrate on treating them with the utmost respect, even when they patently do not deserve any.and are trying to mobilise other forum members or admin against you.
Follow these rules and two things start to happen.
A. The interactions go much better, and you take far less "psychological damage".
B. If someone is actually a complete twat, with a hurtful agenda, (and there are way too many of those, if you ask me) by not engaging in the way that they want their behaviour will become more overt, even to their "friends".
Please guys, remember, this is an OPPORTUNITY to represent yourself much better than you can manage in real time, don't end up having to throw it away because you find the forum too "toxic" to deal with.
We are Autists, with known communication difficulties, yet SOME OF YOU hold other people to very high standards indeed! What's that all about then?
When someone says something that riles you, you need to ask yourself first why does this annoy me so much? I always do that, (because if someone can annoy you, they can control you, and I'm wanting to be nobody's "beach" any more) and sometimes I discover something about how my own mind works that perhaps I'd rather not share in public until I understand a bit more, so then staying quiet is better for me than "engaging". Trust me, there is ALWAYS time to post, there is NO RUSH.
Finally, (and I've had to do this, occasionally myself) when you identify a real nasty piece of work, who is actually "preying" on people, and you have taken time to be absolutely certain, then call them out on it in public with polite but unmistakeable language and shine a light on them. Nothing much might seem to happen immediately, but if you've correctly illuminated such a person for all to see, and your audience agrees, they won't survive long. They never do.
But always, look towards your own behaviour first, and if you see that you may have triggered someone who is clearly a lot mentally weaker, or more stupid than yourself, if you can see a way to pour oil on troubled waters, DO IT.
I for example am naturally awkward and slow to get the point in real time. In addition having been a survivor of other peoples crapulence from as long as I can remember, (some people really take a dislike to me, and just GO FOR IT) so I'm full of rage and unpleasantness looking for a way out some days. On days when I realise that unpleasantness is strong in me, (On such days I find the cats or my partner annoying, and logic tells me that's simply "wrong") I simply don't come here!!
(I used to go to zero hedge and pick a fight with a random stranger when it was run as "Fight Club", but GOOGLE demonetised them until they removed the hatred, so that option isn't really available). What I really loved about having such a forum available was that after a few years I really got to see how ineffective hatred is for "making change".
I learned that I want to utterly destroy certain IDEAS, and not the poor suckers caught up in them. And that's a whole new game with much more complicated and subtle rules, than simply having an argument with a stranger.
I really hope some of you can understand this and "up your game a bit". The world out there is bloody unpleasant to us, here at least, we could extend each other some compassion and understanding.
Of course, if the admin could create a members only and not visible section entitled "fight club" or "deathmatch arena" (where those who would like to exercise the pugilistic keyboard warrior spirit in a very unsafe environment can do so without upsetting the gentle souls), then we could let the aggressive people and those of a strong disposition who wish to study or interact with them play it out, away from those who just want to learn to get along.
Of course, this is a dangerous strategy for some, but for some of us, seeing people freely express their horrible side makes us understand how those of us with a horrible side can appear to others. Most people find it looks banal and stupid after a while!
If a crappy little individual like me, can survive and thrive on the internet and even make real and good friends as I have done occasionally, and we are talking proper friends who will lend or even give me money or help when I need it, (I just wish I could get over to Europe to see the one I'm thinking of right now) then so can you.
But it starts with learning to TAKE YOUR TIME and BE KIND AND POLITE.
It's as simple as that.
HI Sperg,
Well done, and nicely articulated. Yet again, I must apologise for only skim reading as I'm quite distractible this morning.
I agree with what you've written and will attempt to add to the context from my own perspective. Take it for what you will
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I've never been much of a conversationalist, more a ranter and monologuer. The emotional range is limited, with agitation, frustration, anger being dominant, and sensitivity and compassion being lacking. I do not easily become offended or 'upset' by things, a but am easily riled by things I don't understand or that I find trivial.
But I do enjoy dialogue, debate, and reasoning. As much as I am often fixated on my own ideas, I am willing (reluctantly) to admit when I am wrong, although I'll only ever do that in the privacy of my own thoughts, haha.
Anyway, I've never really been one for social media or forum platforms. Although I do use them on occasion, I find the whole virtual interaction thing a bit weird. People don't really exist unless they are physically within my field of view. This makes engagement difficult. Why expend energy interacting with entities that don't actually exist? Unless they are avatars of people I actually know, they could just be algorithms.
Online interactions are fraught with miscommunications and misinterpretations, and the lack of physicality means there is no opportunity to pick up on other subtle cues for context. This is stuff I find difficult. On top of that is the trouble of filtering out all the trivial, juvenile, and irrational noise. As much as I like to think I'm rational, I know that really isn't the case.
I'm incredibly disengaged from the emotional states and needs of others, often viewing us as machines that can rationalise our way around all of our problems, if only we choose to try. The problem with that is the risk of becoming unemotional machines. But I'm not so sure that would really be a problem.
I have a confusing emotional response when trying to understand or reconcile the emotional needs of others. so places like this can be very difficult.
On to forums etc. I usually only read forums, and they are usually topic focused with a narrow demographic. That results in a more streamlined set of parameters to engage with. The groups are relatively small, and the personalities are familiar enough with each other to be able to work around minor disagreements and insults. But I am only a regular observer, not a participant.
Things like twitter, facebook, reddit, I find to be ugly in appearance, noisey, chaotic, and although there can be some good information and discussion to be found, it takes a lot to weed out the trolls, toxicity, and trivia.
Now to this forum.
I've enjoyed being here and I came here to understand myself better, understand others better, and maybe in an attempt to broaden my narrow field of view, try to help people.
The 'problem' with this forum, and many based around 'neurodivergency' and mental health is that it is such a diverse field with many overlapping, and discrete, needs and interests. This makes it a very complex field to navigate. Do we divide things up into discrete platforms, or do we utilise an umbrella approach? Do we split ourselves into tiny groups, or create a cacophony in which nobody can be heard nor helped.
I see this place more of a sounding board than an oracle of advice, and for that I think it works pretty well.
One thing I think that gets forgotten here, and I'm no expert, is the name Autism. Autos (self), -ism (a state/condition). We seem to forget that the condition itself centres around the 'Self', however one wishes to interpret that.
Being centred on the self, is the main point here, and we must be aware of it when interpreting our interactions with others.
With a condition with interaction, communication, and interpretation issues it's no wonder places like this can be difficult for people.
I think we all need to be cognisant of the fact that most of us here are 'self-focused', whether we choose to admit it or not. If we can understand that, then maybe we might be able to get along a little easier.
It's just my personal opinion, and everyone is different with different needs and skills. but I honestly believe that many of our issues could be lessened by accepting and acknowledging how we function, looking within, and understanding OURSELVES, rather than looking externally for all of our solutions.
Are we not here in an attempt to make OUR lives and existence better?
As I've written here before, most of us actually have the tools to do it, we might not yet have the knowledge or awareness of how to make it happen, because it's a really difficult thing to do.
Sorry, that went on more than I'd planned, but it's my usual stream of consciousness method of communication
I know some might completely misinterpret what I'm trying to say, but that's OK
Ironically that's what makes a forum for Autism kind of hard to navigate as we all tend to skim read then jump to the wrong conclusions lol when I 1st joined I was finding it Very frustrating to navigate but then realised I'm basically talking to others who are like me so it's no wonder NTs find us hard to understand at times hahaha
Well, sometimes I find it more frustrating talking to autists than other people. It's all one sided 'conversations' hahaha.
Now I get how other people feel when dealing with autistic folk, haha, not really. I have no idea how anyone feels.
I think she was on here earlier talking about peanut butter?
Yeah probably would be lol were loaners for a reason cause we choose to be. I mean don't get me wrong there's a handful I get on with on the forum but look at greater Tuneburg for example she's autistic like us but *** my life does she ever piss me off lol
I was considering going to a conference/gathering for autistic people, but then thought it'd probably be a total nightmare, hahahaha!
Yeah I get that as we a sturbon opnionated bunch hahaha hence why in life you need the balance of us and NTs otherwise we alone could not survive. Like all though I use the term NT alot all though there's a lot of mean NTs there a lot of them do that do good too. But totally get you what you mean I find interacting with Nueros a hell of s lot easier even though I'm autistic myself