Suicide

I know this can be a touchy subject for some so I will warn you that it might upset you if you read it all, not intentionally but I don't have anyone else to talk to about it. 

Is suicidal thoughts common with ASD? I got them a lot growing up. I had a troubled childhood and my time as a teen was crushing. My dad hit me about, literally for no reasons at all. He just did it, pretty much every day. Mum was hurt as well she wouldn't stand up to him. I'm an adult now but he's still horrible to me and hits and kicks me around. Says I look at him 'funny', I can't help it, I stare at everybody I think it's a part of the ASD. Mum got out, she took her own life when I was 17. I'm 19 now and I find myself with suicidal thoughts day and night. Recently I started to plan my death, I've written down all the ways I could kill myself. I know a lot of people see it as selfish but isn't it worse to stay alive and suffer? Socially I'm awkward. I can't speak to anyone, so no friends or acquaintances. I don't get out much either, to scared to leave the house plus I'm bruised because of my dad so I'm unsightly. I've been self harming for years but recently it's got bad. I cut myself really deep and it hurts and bleeds a lot. My legs are badly scarred, I keep them covered with tights now because they look so horrible. My dad always comments on them, says they are ugly and make me look ugly. He says I'm a worthless human being and he laughs at me all the time. He's constantly drinking and when he's sick later he makes me clean it up. I hate him. Sometimes I get thoughts to hurt him, but I don't think I ever would. I'm more interested in killing myself and joining my mum and baby sister in heaven.

I don't want to live anymore. My life sucks and I feel so worthless. No one loves or likes me and I don't see a future ahead. I feel so low all the time and the pills my doc gave me don't do anything. I don't know what to do. Should I kill myself? Is there any reason for me to keep living? I don't think there is. But despite everything I go through a part of me wants to live but I don't want to.