Published on 12, July, 2020
I know this can be a touchy subject for some so I will warn you that it might upset you if you read it all, not intentionally but I don't have anyone else to talk to about it.
Is suicidal thoughts common with ASD? I got them a lot growing up. I had a troubled childhood and my time as a teen was crushing. My dad hit me about, literally for no reasons at all. He just did it, pretty much every day. Mum was hurt as well she wouldn't stand up to him. I'm an adult now but he's still horrible to me and hits and kicks me around. Says I look at him 'funny', I can't help it, I stare at everybody I think it's a part of the ASD. Mum got out, she took her own life when I was 17. I'm 19 now and I find myself with suicidal thoughts day and night. Recently I started to plan my death, I've written down all the ways I could kill myself. I know a lot of people see it as selfish but isn't it worse to stay alive and suffer? Socially I'm awkward. I can't speak to anyone, so no friends or acquaintances. I don't get out much either, to scared to leave the house plus I'm bruised because of my dad so I'm unsightly. I've been self harming for years but recently it's got bad. I cut myself really deep and it hurts and bleeds a lot. My legs are badly scarred, I keep them covered with tights now because they look so horrible. My dad always comments on them, says they are ugly and make me look ugly. He says I'm a worthless human being and he laughs at me all the time. He's constantly drinking and when he's sick later he makes me clean it up. I hate him. Sometimes I get thoughts to hurt him, but I don't think I ever would. I'm more interested in killing myself and joining my mum and baby sister in heaven.
I don't want to live anymore. My life sucks and I feel so worthless. No one loves or likes me and I don't see a future ahead. I feel so low all the time and the pills my doc gave me don't do anything. I don't know what to do. Should I kill myself? Is there any reason for me to keep living? I don't think there is. But despite everything I go through a part of me wants to live but I don't want to.
Oh also forgot to say, I've only been in hospital for a short time but the medication I'm on is working already, I don't feel suicidal today and I feel hopeful about the future for the first time in years :)
Thank you again.
Xx
It’s really good to hear from you, SadGirl - I’d been wondering how you were doing. So glad you’re getting help and feeling better.
Thank you Ducky :) I really am feeling so good right now.
Everyone is so nice, and the nurses have given me some creams to help with my cuts so hopefully those can start to heal now.
Wow that's all so great to hear! I'm so glad that you decided to call your doctor and get the help you deserve. Yes, honestly, a majority of people are more nice and kind than you'd ever think that they would be, and instead of causing your wounds, they'll help you treat them, and that's really what support and care is all about.
I mean you have to be careful about who gets to be around you, because even one bad person can mess up your life a ton, but one supportive person can improve your life a ton, and you're the gatekeeper in choosing who gets to hang around you or not. And leaving bad people is an option you always have.
And I think it would be useful for you to learn skills like setting boundaries and being assertive, because these types of things help protect you against being taken advantage of. And if anyone behaves the way your dad does, stay a mile away from them!
Thank you so much :) I feel so much happier now and I'm not feeling low at the moment which is fab! I've already met some lovely nurses who are really nice. And I feel very safe in my room :)