Published on 12, July, 2020
I know this can be a touchy subject for some so I will warn you that it might upset you if you read it all, not intentionally but I don't have anyone else to talk to about it.
Is suicidal thoughts common with ASD? I got them a lot growing up. I had a troubled childhood and my time as a teen was crushing. My dad hit me about, literally for no reasons at all. He just did it, pretty much every day. Mum was hurt as well she wouldn't stand up to him. I'm an adult now but he's still horrible to me and hits and kicks me around. Says I look at him 'funny', I can't help it, I stare at everybody I think it's a part of the ASD. Mum got out, she took her own life when I was 17. I'm 19 now and I find myself with suicidal thoughts day and night. Recently I started to plan my death, I've written down all the ways I could kill myself. I know a lot of people see it as selfish but isn't it worse to stay alive and suffer? Socially I'm awkward. I can't speak to anyone, so no friends or acquaintances. I don't get out much either, to scared to leave the house plus I'm bruised because of my dad so I'm unsightly. I've been self harming for years but recently it's got bad. I cut myself really deep and it hurts and bleeds a lot. My legs are badly scarred, I keep them covered with tights now because they look so horrible. My dad always comments on them, says they are ugly and make me look ugly. He says I'm a worthless human being and he laughs at me all the time. He's constantly drinking and when he's sick later he makes me clean it up. I hate him. Sometimes I get thoughts to hurt him, but I don't think I ever would. I'm more interested in killing myself and joining my mum and baby sister in heaven.
I don't want to live anymore. My life sucks and I feel so worthless. No one loves or likes me and I don't see a future ahead. I feel so low all the time and the pills my doc gave me don't do anything. I don't know what to do. Should I kill myself? Is there any reason for me to keep living? I don't think there is. But despite everything I go through a part of me wants to live but I don't want to.
Well most of us who grow up being abused end up treating ourselves badly, because we've grown up being treated in that that bad way, that we learn to treat ourselves like that, but it's wrong to treat ourselves so poorly.
Your dad seems to lack remorse, and treats everyone like garbage. And you know what, he's the selfish one, not you, because he does not care if you or anyone else is suffering, he'll cause the pain and suffering by violently attacking everyone. That's not normal.
You've been told that you're worthless, ugly, and all this other negative stuff, when really it's him who is truly the worthless and ugly one in reality, and if you were to tell anyone outside your household about your story (like you are doing now) they'll agree and say he's the worthless and ugly one, not you, because any adult who attacks their own family has major problems, and that's not normal behavior. You've just been trying to cope and survive while living with him, but of course living in a metaphorical cage with an angry unpredictable wild animal does not leave you unscathed, and you end up going tp therapy and trying to take meds as if you're the one who has the issues, but he's the one who caused those issues.
If anyone should take their own life, it should have been him, and not your mom, and definitely not you. Because you know what abusers do? They put you down and harm you to the point that you want to end your own life, but you didn't do anything wrong, and you didn't try to attack anyone. I mean someone as bad as him still has his life, he's still alive and walking around destroying everything in his path can still live, then you can too. I mean if everyone who is nice just takes their own lives, they'll just be abusive and tyrannical people left on the earth, and screw that! No one wants to hang out with your dad or more people like him.
If you can move out or go to a woman's centre, that'll be helpful. I mean if it's freedom that you want, then get away from your dad.