Published on 12, July, 2020
I know this can be a touchy subject for some so I will warn you that it might upset you if you read it all, not intentionally but I don't have anyone else to talk to about it.
Is suicidal thoughts common with ASD? I got them a lot growing up. I had a troubled childhood and my time as a teen was crushing. My dad hit me about, literally for no reasons at all. He just did it, pretty much every day. Mum was hurt as well she wouldn't stand up to him. I'm an adult now but he's still horrible to me and hits and kicks me around. Says I look at him 'funny', I can't help it, I stare at everybody I think it's a part of the ASD. Mum got out, she took her own life when I was 17. I'm 19 now and I find myself with suicidal thoughts day and night. Recently I started to plan my death, I've written down all the ways I could kill myself. I know a lot of people see it as selfish but isn't it worse to stay alive and suffer? Socially I'm awkward. I can't speak to anyone, so no friends or acquaintances. I don't get out much either, to scared to leave the house plus I'm bruised because of my dad so I'm unsightly. I've been self harming for years but recently it's got bad. I cut myself really deep and it hurts and bleeds a lot. My legs are badly scarred, I keep them covered with tights now because they look so horrible. My dad always comments on them, says they are ugly and make me look ugly. He says I'm a worthless human being and he laughs at me all the time. He's constantly drinking and when he's sick later he makes me clean it up. I hate him. Sometimes I get thoughts to hurt him, but I don't think I ever would. I'm more interested in killing myself and joining my mum and baby sister in heaven.
I don't want to live anymore. My life sucks and I feel so worthless. No one loves or likes me and I don't see a future ahead. I feel so low all the time and the pills my doc gave me don't do anything. I don't know what to do. Should I kill myself? Is there any reason for me to keep living? I don't think there is. But despite everything I go through a part of me wants to live but I don't want to.
I'm very sorry you are going through such a tough time, but it’s good that you’ve posted here and let us know what’s happening/how you feel! Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay. The people in this community are very supportive so please do keep opening up and communiticating with us. Already I can see there are some kind responses and great adivce on seeking help.
It’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide I would highly suggest calling your GP and make an urgent appointment. Be clear with them your situation so that your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support.
If you need to speak to someone urgently and it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/
Another route for support are The Samaritans who also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.
The organisation MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.
You can find more information on our website here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/suicide
If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support.
Addtionally, you might find these links to do with domestic abuse useful: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse
It sounds like you are a victim of domestic violence or abuse, there are many different organisations which can give you help. You can find contact details for a range of organisations here: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help
Please do take this advice, there is more to life and you will find that you are important, you are wonderful and your are worthy of help and a full life! Don't give up!
Don't hesitate to reach out more to others on this community - you will find a lot of support and sage advice!
SarahMod