Can't get along with Parents.

Hi - I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I also had parents who had a lot of issues and they were poor at parenting. My Mother (I eventually learned) is definitely a narcissist. And my Dad could not show love or affection to me at all. He spent all of his time trying to appease my Mother’s narcissist personality - so consequently no one in my family gave me affirmation and praise, or affection. I didn’t get many hugs, and didn’t feel loved or even liked by them most of the time. At the time I didn’t know I was autistic. It’s only as I’ve got to be older and have more distance from them that I’ve realised what dysfunctional environment I was growing up in. They were also VERY argumentative people - my Mother would even start an argument just because she was bored. They also could never apologise - I don’t think I’ve ever heard them say sorry to me about anything.  Very weird. My Dad can’t say ‘thank you’ to me either - he can say it to other people - I hear him do that! - but not to me, even if I really go out of my way to help him or do something nice for him.
So I can really relate to some of what you describe here. 

I’m guessing that I might be older than you perhaps - and I would say that as you get older it’s easier to get some emotional distance from the way your parents treat you. There are also lots of good books about dealing with Toxic parents which can help you to understand what’s behind their weird behaviour. Essentially your parents are damaged people and they are not able (or willing) to parent properly. It’s not really anything to do with you on one level - they were emotionally f**ked up way before you were even born. However they are still responsible for their choices and how they treat you - so it’s not an excuse on any level.

NO ONE - WHETHER THEY ARE YOUR PARENT OR NOT - HAS THE RIGHT TO TREAT YOU BADLY. 

Always remember that. 

If they treat you badly I would calmly say to them something like - ‘i don’t think that’s a very kind way to speak to me - it hurts my feelings so please don’t do that’. The key is to keep calm. If they are nasty to you then be the better person (because you probably are by the sound of it!). 

I remember one thing that I found very useful to remember - it said ‘dysfunctional and narcissistic parents are essentially not mentally well. When dealing with them in your mind imagine that you are wearing a white coat - that you are a doctor looking at a mentally unwell patient. Observe their behaviour objectively and dispassionately- as if you are a scientist studying them. In that way you can keep a sense of distance and not take it personally.’

So when you’re with your parents and they are behaving in the strange and unhealthy ways they are - mentally put on that White coat! 

Also - on the bright side - they are teaching you how NOT to parent your own children! That’s one silver lining! 
I did the opposite to my parents - with my own children I’ve been loving, affectionate, patient, quiet and calm in how I speak to them - and most of all : I RESPECT THEM. 

I wish you well and I’m sorry you haven’t got better parents. It’s a lottery I’m afraid - and you didn’t get the best prize. However you can over come the negativity you have grown up with - and you’ll be all the wiser for what you learn from it. I know it’s painful and upsetting to grow up with people like that - and I’m sorry. However do all you can to rescue your self esteem (because it can damage our self-esteem) and don’t  let their craziness define you. 

And if it gets REALLY bad - you can always cut off contact with them - either temporarily or permanent. You have that option. That might well not be necessary, it might not be what you want, but you have that option if you feel the way they treat you is something you cannot tolerate. If it’s damaging your mental health you have every right to cease contact with them.

However I hope that’s not necessary- as it’s a big step that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Only you know what you truly need and want to do.

good luck! 

Hi - I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I also had parents who had a lot of issues and they were poor at parenting. My Mother (I eventually learned) is definitely a narcissist. And my Dad could not show love or affection to me at all. He spent all of his time trying to appease my Mother’s narcissist personality - so consequently no one in my family gave me affirmation and praise, or affection. I didn’t get many hugs, and didn’t feel loved or even liked by them most of the time. At the time I didn’t know I was autistic. It’s only as I’ve got to be older and have more distance from them that I’ve realised what dysfunctional environment I was growing up in. They were also VERY argumentative people - my Mother would even start an argument just because she was bored. They also could never apologise - I don’t think I’ve ever heard them say sorry to me about anything.  Very weird. My Dad can’t say ‘thank you’ to me either - he can say it to other people - I hear him do that! - but not to me, even if I really go out of my way to help him or do something nice for him.
So I can really relate to some of what you describe here. 

I’m guessing that I might be older than you perhaps - and I would say that as you get older it’s easier to get some emotional distance from the way your parents treat you. There are also lots of good books about dealing with Toxic parents which can help you to understand what’s behind their weird behaviour. Essentially your parents are damaged people and they are not able (or willing) to parent properly. It’s not really anything to do with you on one level - they were emotionally f**ked up way before you were even born. However they are still responsible for their choices and how they treat you - so it’s not an excuse on any level.

NO ONE - WHETHER THEY ARE YOUR PARENT OR NOT - HAS THE RIGHT TO TREAT YOU BADLY. 

Always remember that. 

If they treat you badly I would calmly say to them something like - ‘i don’t think that’s a very kind way to speak to me - it hurts my feelings so please don’t do that’. The key is to keep calm. If they are nasty to you then be the better person (because you probably are by the sound of it!). 

I remember one thing that I found very useful to remember - it said ‘dysfunctional and narcissistic parents are essentially not mentally well. When dealing with them in your mind imagine that you are wearing a white coat - that you are a doctor looking at a mentally unwell patient. Observe their behaviour objectively and dispassionately- as if you are a scientist studying them. In that way you can keep a sense of distance and not take it personally.’

So when you’re with your parents and they are behaving in the strange and unhealthy ways they are - mentally put on that White coat! 

Also - on the bright side - they are teaching you how NOT to parent your own children! That’s one silver lining! 
I did the opposite to my parents - with my own children I’ve been loving, affectionate, patient, quiet and calm in how I speak to them - and most of all : I RESPECT THEM. 

I wish you well and I’m sorry you haven’t got better parents. It’s a lottery I’m afraid - and you didn’t get the best prize. However you can over come the negativity you have grown up with - and you’ll be all the wiser for what you learn from it. I know it’s painful and upsetting to grow up with people like that - and I’m sorry. However do all you can to rescue your self esteem (because it can damage our self-esteem) and don’t  let their craziness define you. 

And if it gets REALLY bad - you can always cut off contact with them - either temporarily or permanent. You have that option. That might well not be necessary, it might not be what you want, but you have that option if you feel the way they treat you is something you cannot tolerate. If it’s damaging your mental health you have every right to cease contact with them.

However I hope that’s not necessary- as it’s a big step that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Only you know what you truly need and want to do.

good luck! 

Kate Kestrel said:

And if it gets REALLY bad - you can always cut off contact with them

that's what I decided to do eventually, 3 years and 9 months ago... My mom's attitude hasn't changed