Published on 12, July, 2020
This might be a sensitive subject for many.
Please do not take the following question as a personal judgement, I am honestly trying to understand so that I can try to improve my empathy and compassion, and possibly find ways to help people along the way. I also get it if it isn't something you're happy to talk about.
It seems there are many people out there, and on this forum, suffering from low self esteem and self loathing.
Where does this come from?
Does it come from:
I am genuinely interested, as it's something I don't think I have ever experienced.
I'm sure I have had anxiety at times, but I'm not really able to to apply names to feelings, so I don't really know. My partner has said that I can be emotionally insensitive because I try to rationalise everything. But I have also been told that my blunt, rational, and sometimes cynical approach has been helpful at cutting through the noise.
Although I've been bullied, embarrassed, ostracised at times, although life has been difficult, and I can be self critical and insecure, I don't think I've ever felt loathing or worthlessness.
Maybe it's because I'm very insular in my thinking, that I haven't paid too much attention to the real world, and therefore shrugged off much of the sh*t that's thrown at me.
Again, I'm genuinely interested as I would like to understand people better so that I can help people better. But this part of the emotional spectrum is truly a foreign land to me.
I find it sad that so many people are suffering in this way, and like to understand why it is.
Thanks.
I have been there myself. It feels like mission impossible to break the loop. Until I read something one of so called successfull businessman said during interview answering the question what is the source of your success, he said: in the morning in front of the mirror I say ''Me, me and only me''. I find it difficult to even consider becoming an egoist, but it made think and I came with my own version of it.
Whenever I am in front of the mirror, I stop, look at myself and say: You are a person you can be proud of, and I like you''. haha talkign to own reflection. But it slowly started to work. Convince yourself somehow, that is what is required.
I like it
So what you're saying, if I'm understanding it correctly, is it's the difference between positive and negative self talk. And many people get trapped in the negative self talk cycle.
I suppose, if one were to have negative experiences, and feel lost, or pessimistic, it would be very difficult to switch from negative self talk to positive self talk. Yes, I can see how that could happen.
That makes a lot of sense.
I have a lot of conversations in my head, usually analysing something or picking something apart. And I have internal discussions about whether I'm in a good mood or a bad mood. But I rarely, if ever, stray off into thoughts of self image or self worth. At least, I don't think I do.
I think that's why I've never understood how people view themselves so poorly, because it's simply not how I operate.
So thanks for that. That was helpful.
exactly you need to talk to yorself in positive way, otherwise you reinforce bad thinking
I think the opposite is actually the case, Untoward. I'll explain what I mean later. First I want to relax and watch a movie. I hope you are keeping well?
I heard that most humans are optimists, even people who consider themselves pessimists, because we evolved to be. If were realists and objective and saw ourselves and the world as it actually is then we would just kill ourselves.
So there has to be some level of self-delusion in everything we do. We have to trick ourselves into thinking we might succeed, or we'd never do anything.
No one responds well to being bullied or berated. Why can't we just say to ourselves: "Well that didn't work out as I planned. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do in that situation. Okay, well, at least I've learned that and can try something else."Instead of:"You idiot. You've screwed up gain. You're f_____ useless. You never get it right."I know which one feels better to hear and encourages a better choice next time and which one makes me feel hopeless and angry, and less free to try gain.
What is a fault, though, Untoward? Does a flower look at other flowers and tell itself it needs to be higher, or that it is not as colourful as the other flowers, or that it needs to be better at osmosis? This perception of not being good enough, or not being perfect is only the result of continuous negative self-talk. There is nothing wrong with wanting to change things in your life, but do we need to bully and berate ourselves at the same time?
Thank you.
Yes. To all of the above!
Maybe I have the ability to just not care.
But I do care. People are what they are. Everybody has positives and negatives, it is what it is, we are what we are.
Maybe it is about acceptance. Life is hard. Exist, that is what we do.
I don't quite get how objectivity would be a bad thing. To attempt to view ourselves without being skewed by our emotions. (true objectivity is likely not possible anyway)
Surely that would allow us to better understand how we function, and enable us to handle our emotions better.
We are not our thoughts. Our thoughts are how we interpret stimuli and stressors. It's what we do with those thoughts that matter.
Isn't any view of oneself self-delusion anyway?
I am really struggling to understand why so many people hate themselves.
It isn't necessary, and it isn't inevitable.
Know thyself. Love thyself
Being objective could be bad if you genuinely have many faults. Unless you are some kind of very attractive superhuman with a perfect personality, you would need some self-delusion in order to not hate yourself, or just the ability to not care.
Very true.
I'm not sure it's really possible to be objective about oneself, but I like to pretend that it is. That's why I liked having my assessment. It gave me new insights into something I already knew but didn't quite have the language to articulate.
It gave me a new vocabulary, if you will. That, in turn, has allowed me understand myself better.
Now I just need to work out how to understand others. I'm getting there...
But being objective with yourself is a great way to be, Exist. If you can't manage to be a friend to yourself, at least don't be an enemy.
for me it was objective only, plus berating myeself if I did something wrong, I had to add, approving comments so it seems