Hello & any suggestions please?

You can private message people if their settings allow it, I believe that to be correct.

I'm really grateful for your responses!

I am taking a while figuring out what to say. Unsure if you can give a general response on here or have to reply to individuals? I'm such a Dinosaur. (Will see when I send this if it is a general response)!?

Yes. Thank you for responding

It might be better coming from someone else, or depending how skilled you are third party it, or do not tell them directly but metaphorically.

NAS20803 said:

Hello All, I am new to here.

I'm having severe anxiety over a problem. I know I have to address it or it wont go away. I wonder how others with ASD deal with the issues we have.

Q: How to explain/ask/tell family member not to call me often and only short calls.

This particular person is difficult because he doesn't accept Asperger's. He is very intense and overwhelms me and I've always hidden myself, just try to get through and survive interactions and pacify people. I've given a wrong impression of myself to everyone before my diagnosis and now I have to try to speak up where needed, so I can move foreword with life. I would just have nothing to do with him only he is my brother.  

I would so so appreciate any suggestions as Im not getting anywhere searching internet, all the time anxiety builds.

Ive avoided posting on here since I was Diagnosed with Aspergers 2 & half yrs ago, as Im introverted, struggle to explain myself and avoid new things. But here goes.

Hi there - and welcome!

I have a lot of identification with this.  It's not so much my brother, but his wife.  They've been married for over 30 years, and they've been difficult times for someone like me because she's my absolute polar opposite.  She's loud, brash, opinionated (lots of her opinions are tosh).  She's clearly very insecure because she makes up for it by hogging conversations, bringing it all back to her, provoking confrontations, etc. Like your brother, she is overwhelming and intimidating.  She's a narcissist of the first order.  And she's changed my brother beyond the person I used to know.  We've fallen out a lot over the years - usually because of her - and had long periods of not speaking.  I stopped ringing them because she invariably answered - and invariably said something to set me off.  She's manipulative, too - setting one off against another.

When I got my diagnosis 2 years ago, I told them all about it.  I might as well have been speaking a foreign language.  They feign understanding - but then show in other ways that they really don't understand.  They just think it's all weird.

We've mainly kept civil with one another for the sake of my mother, who didn't want there to be any upsets or disagreements.  It used to infuriate me, too - the number of times mum would say 'I don't say anything because I don't want to upset D***.'  I used to come back at her each time with 'So, we all have to toe the line and keep quiet just to keep her happy!  Why?' 

This woman has caused damage in other areas of the family, too.  She's effectively estranged my brother from his natural children, whilst her daughter (his step-daughter) can do nothing wrong.  She's a narcissist, too.

Sorry... this is a long and rambling way of saying that, after mum passed away, I said to my brother that I only wanted to communicate via email and text from now onwards.  I thought he would get funny about it - but actually, he seems to have accepted it and he respects it.  At least, he has until now.  I think he also thinks it's probably easier this way.

I've also broken off communications with his wife.  A bereavement counsellor I saw briefly told me this was the best and only option if I was to move forward in life.  'But,' I remonstrated 'the difficulty is that she's married to my brother.'  She was adamant, though.  'From what you've said, she's done you a lot of damage.  You can't afford to have people like that in your life - close relatives or not.  They're toxic.'

I think she's right.  And I suppose that's where you are right now: wanting to move forwards, but not wanting to break ties.

How much does your brother really mean to you?  I'd turn that around and say how much to do you mean to him?  If he genuinely respected you, he'd comply with your wishes, surely?  I know how hard it is - but just try telling him: 'I'd sooner we just kept in touch with short calls.'  Or maybe even, as with me, emails or texts.  See what he says. 

If he creates a fuss about it - then how much does he care?  What would he say if your condition wasn't neurological, I wonder?  Would he be any different?

Sorry... maybe not much help.  I know it's a tricky one.  But I still think you have a right to be respected.  It doesn't sound, on the face of it, as if he does respect you.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Tom

Hey there,  first of all it's OK to screen calls. I probably answer less than half the calls I receive when I receive them and I call back when I feel ready OR I text back a brief response.

Secondly, I plan how long to speak and have a reason to end the call.

Thirdly, I encourage use of texts, email or message apps by pointing out I am less likely to forget if it's written down.

I use the severity of my negative response to the phone as a marker of my anxiety disorder. If it's too bad, I increase self care strategies

Question....does the damiky know that you are ASD?