Published on 12, July, 2020
Have just joined this community - have been with my husband for 11 years. He's not formally diagnosed, but my own GP has suggested that he is on the spectrum, after I visited her because my husband said that I had mental health issues!
It seems that what I took to be difficult, abusive and controlling behaviour, was actually the outworking of him being on the spectrum.
I've read an awful lot about this recently, and can't believe I didn't see it before.At the moment, I haven't mentioned anything to him, as I need time to get to grips with it myself.I plan to broach the subject, when the time is right.The things I struggle with, are hidden away in our life at home, and no-one outside would ever guess that anything was wrong. Not even our family know, other than my daughter (from another marriage).Main problems are: repetition of domestic routines that make me want to scream! Having to run absolutely everything past him, in terms of timings of arrangements etc., with no wriggle room once agreed, or all hell will break loose! He does not sleep well, comes to bed much later than me, then only stays for around an hour, before going to sleep on the couch - he never comes back to bed in the morning in time to spend any time together, but just gets up, so no intimacy whatsoever - been like this for about 9 years......!
Constant preoccupation with hobbies - at the expense of time spent together, which I really resent.
He's unable to support me if am having a difficult time - & always seems annoyed if I am a bit 'down' - putting pressure on me to pretend that I always feel great. I am learning to do things for myself, and to be a bit selfish with my time, to avoid feeling constantly drained.
If I had known all this to begin with , I can honestly say I would not have got into this relationship, but now I'm in it, I feel that I have to act responsibly, and stay.
I worry sometimes, about how far from the 'real me' I have come, and how much I have let go of and given up, which upsets me.
My husband has held very responsible roles in education, and is very well educated, although when I look back over his life, he has struggled to maintain relationships (I'm his 3rd wife), and has also struggled to stay in work, without some drama unfolding (raising grievances, not being able to adapt, etc.).
I'd be grateful to hear anyone else's views or experiences on this.
Thanks
I sincerely want to advise you to see your husband as the victim and not yourself in this scenario. He has a medical condition and it is this medical condition that manifests in what you are observing. Now that you have come to this Hard Truth, you can start making efforts to assist your husband on the part to his recovery rather than blaming him for no fault of his.It is your attitude towards him that will eventually make or mar your marriage.
Apologies - I seem to have come to this site under the wrong impression. After 11 years of struggling with what I thought was an abusive relationship, I managed to weather the storm, and then finally found, possibly, the real reason for all that we had struggled with - I count this as a victory in itself, as I was on the verge of leaving so many times. When my GP gave me her informal diagnosis regarding my husband, I was so pleased to then find the NAS, and thought that here, finally, was a place that I could have those conversations which are impossible to have with anyone else at the moment. At no point have I blamed my husband, nor seen myself as a victim - mine has been more a case of wondering what on earth was going on, rather than anything else. I'm sorry that, rather than finding that open, non-judgmental space I was so desperately seeking, I now find myself feeling like a naughty fiver year old, who has been pulled up for speaking out of turn. I will now continue my search for that neutral, safe place to have these conversations...
Forgive me for being a complete Aspergian stranger ~ but in my opinion you evidently have nothing at all whatsoever to apologise for.
Your approach to dealing with the issues you have been describing - is very commendable indeed. Keep on with the good work.
Your commentary is so good to read in that you display pro-positive aptitudes, and 'major-bonus-factor-ten' ~ an open mind also too.
One of the difficulties with written statements or commentaries on websites is that misinterpretations do tend to occur once every few months or so ~ wrong end of the stick, social train-wrecks and all that. Learning to take a pinch of salt with such things is not at all easy for some, especially as even an enormous block of salt would have offered very little in the way of protection for you in the given circumstance.
I dread to imagine how you must be feeling about this, but I keenly wish you and your husband good tidings, and hope that your journey together becomes increasingly more enlightening - in both the uplifting and the knowledgeable sense.
Thanks - I'll get a copy!