High Functioning Husband

Thanks - I'll get a copy!

1.) Now as far as serial crash and burn statements go - the following would not be one:

2.) I offer without reservation my full apologies to anyone who felt upset by my advice being insulting or too harsh or offensive. Truthfully I did not intend to insult anyone. So with due respect to anyone who feels insulted or that my advice was offensive, I sincerely apologise.  

3.) Unfortunately you chose to displace some of the blame over to Newby, QuirkyFriend and I ~ by stating that we could have read more meanings from your sentences than you actually intended.

4.) Let us consider then what you actually wrote:

NCF said:

5.) I sincerely want to advise you to see your husband as the victim and not yourself in this scenario.

6.) Basically you genuinely want Newby to stop imagining and therefore falsely portraying herself as being the victim, and see instead that her husband is by default the true or real victim in this scenario.

7.) So very simply but none the less crudely ~ you are advising Newby to stop lying and start being truthful about who is the victim.

8.) Of course you could at this stage just be entreating Newby to feel that she is a capable person rather than actually being a victim.

NCF said:

9.) He has a medical condition and it is this medical condition that manifests in what you are observing

10.) This Newby knows in that she has already reported that their GP believes that her husband is on the spectrum.

NCF said:

11.) Now that you have come to this Hard Truth, you can start making efforts to assist your husband on the part to his recovery rather than blaming him for no fault of his.

12.) For Newby the GP's preliminary diagnosis of A.S.D. was not a hard truth but a revelation or eureka moment for her. It gave her reason to understand and a means to comprehend her husbands difficulties, and ground her determination to stay with her husband as she was losing hope.

14.) Then you go on to insult Newby by stating that she can 'start' (instead of not then) making efforts to assist her husbands recovery ~ whilst all the while she has been generally and financially supporting him since he became unfit for work!?!

15.) Then you go on to insult Newby even further by stating that she is hampering her husbands recovery by means of making false accusations against him for no fault of his own - so by default according to you this makes it Newby's fault!?!?!

16) You then summarise this responsibility dump with the final insult of this series: 

NCF said:

17.) It is your attitude towards him that will eventually make or mar your marriage

18.) So according to you it is up to Newby to change her ways or else spoil 'her' marriage - rather than the both of them working together in terms of being an equally responsible husband 'and' wife team.

19.) If you feel that you disagree with this analysis, or wish to discuss the issues addressed, please feel free and very welcome to do so.

In good faith

D. 

I have no problems with rendering apologies to any one who feels that my advise was insulting or too hash or offensive. The truth is that I did not intend to insult anyone. It could be that people have read more meanings from my sentences than I actually intended. So with due respect to any one who feels insulted or that my advise was offensive, I sincerely apologize.

The kind words and support thing are pretty much the done thing here - mistakes are though made; but making them into retakes and learning from them is just as important.

About the being a bit 'blind-sided' and quite taken aback thing - I felt very much the same myself actually. One of those 'uber-ma-flipper-which-way-a-what!?' moments.

Just as possible insight though into the Aspergian male mind - there is book titled Look Me In The Eye - My Life With Aspergers, by John Elder Robison, which might prove helpful perhaps - and costs under a tenner when purchased anew.

You are welcome. Picking yourself off the floor is one of my expert skills thanks to the DCD - LOL!

Thanks for your support  and kind words - it means a lot! Am slowly picking myself up off the floor, so to speak!! Best wishes.

Thank you for your kind words and support! I must admit to being a bit 'blind sided' yesterday, and was quite taken aback! Your support means a lot - onwards and upwards! Thanks.

Forgive me for being a complete Aspergian stranger ~ but in my opinion you evidently have nothing at all whatsoever to apologise for.

Your approach to dealing with the issues you have been describing - is very commendable indeed. Keep on with the good work.

Your commentary is so good to read in that you display pro-positive aptitudes, and 'major-bonus-factor-ten' ~ an open mind also too.

One of the difficulties with written statements or commentaries on websites is that misinterpretations do tend to occur once every few months or so ~ wrong end of the stick, social train-wrecks and all that. Learning to take a pinch of salt with such things is not at all easy for some, especially as even an enormous block of salt would have offered very little in the way of protection for you in the given circumstance.

I dread to imagine how you must be feeling about this, but I keenly wish you and your husband good tidings, and hope that your journey together becomes increasingly more enlightening - in both the uplifting and the knowledgeable sense.

NCF, pretty damn harsh on limited data.

I'm part of a neurodiverse relationship and I struggle despite a shed load of experience from my family of origin in living with ND family.

Newbie is trying to navigate a difficult situation. She is not demanding change from her husband, she's basically trying to work out what's going on and how to work within this situation.

Implicit in your criticism is the person with ASD has no responsibility to change. I disagree, because he entered a relationship he has responsibility to working issues that may be outside his comfort zone.

Trivial example: my DCD means I struggle with left and right. My SO enjoys dancing. I'm going to a dance class with him, but he knows to expect somewhere between terrible and awful 99% of the time. Thing is, I'm doing it despite my disability and he's keen to do it together. So we both compromised.

NCF said:

I sincerely want to advise you to see your husband as the victim and not yourself in this scenario.

So here you advise that Newby's husband is the victim and not Newby.

NCF said:

He has a medical condition and it is this medical condition that manifests in what you are observing.

You then substantiate Newby's husband's medical condition as being the reason for your hypothesis of victim-hood.

NCF said:

Now that you have come to this Hard Truth, you can start making efforts to assist your husband on the part to his recovery rather than blaming him for no fault of his.It is your attitude towards him that will eventually make or mar your marriage.

Further more - you introduce this subjective hypothesis as "Hard Truth"; consisting in part of  Newby being at fault in terms of blaming her husband, and in whole that she needs to adjust this 'attitude' for the sake of their marriage!!?

As far as insults go ~ your commentary is offensive. Do you understand this, and why I am suggesting at very least that a formal apology to Newby is very much the required thing here?

Apologies - I seem to have come to this site under the wrong impression. After 11 years of struggling with what I thought was an abusive relationship, I managed to weather the storm, and then finally found, possibly, the real reason for all that we had struggled with - I count this as a victory in itself, as I was on the verge of leaving so many times. When my GP gave me her informal diagnosis regarding my husband, I was so pleased to then find the NAS, and thought that here, finally, was a place that I could have those conversations which are impossible to have with anyone else at the moment. At no point have I blamed my husband, nor seen myself as a victim - mine has been more a case of wondering what on earth was going on, rather than anything else. I'm sorry that, rather than finding that open, non-judgmental space I was so desperately seeking, I now find myself feeling like a naughty fiver year old, who has been pulled up for speaking out of turn. I will now continue my search for that neutral, safe place to have these conversations...

I sincerely want to advise you to see your husband as the victim and not yourself in this scenario. He has a medical condition and it is this medical condition that manifests in what you are observing. Now that you have come to this Hard Truth, you can start making efforts to assist your husband on the part to his recovery rather than blaming him for no fault of his.It is your attitude towards him that will eventually make or mar your marriage.

Unfortunately the rate of relationship failure in "mixed marriage" is high, but it is a problem of both parties.

Even in a ND:ND family things can get rocky. It takes a pretty good awareness of the traits you bring into the relationship and a willingness to compromise.

That's really good news about the tutoring! If he can help othersin that way, that's really fulfilling too.Thanks for your comments about screening - I'll certainly look at that.

As I'm very new to all this, I'm probably not the best person to give you an answer,s but I think there can be difficulties with communication, and the different reactions of the two people to various situations can be difficult to align sometimes. I guess that it's a case of learning to work together to get over any obstacles - as in any relationship. Having said that, all relationships are worth working at - there are lots of people who find intelligence an attractive attribute - especially as there doesn't always seem to be too much of it around these days!

Are relationship problems common with ASD people? Like having any at all?

Last 2 days he's got two tutoring clients which is pretty exciting. One gift his neurodiverse brain gives is the ability to help kids who struggle with math the right tools to succeed.

We are also writing a research paper together, which is interesting. 

The biggest value of screening where the spouse engages is their own process of learning. My best friend got a dual diagnosis of autism and ADHD about 8 years back and his journey  has focused on his increasing self awareness.

This friend had features of the highly impulsive ADHD and this lead to suicide attempts twice before diagnosis. Since then he can now see when the thinking is "stinking" and help himself.  

Thanks for this! I will look at the resources which are available, for more information, as well as the informal screening - I did do a test myself online, a while ago, which I answered as if I were my husband - as best as I could! The score came out at 60%, which I suppose speaks for itself!

My husband left his job a couple of years ago, following a string of difficult working relationships there. I have noticed that since he has started as a library volunteer, and joined a sports club, he's a lot calmer - I've always felt that his brain is constantly firing at a high intellectual level. and that if he isn't engrossed in something, he's like the proverbial sports car, flying into a cul de sac!!  I hope your SO is able to find some volunteering which is is line with his interests - I think that's the key - rather than doing any 'random' volunteering.

Of course, it also helps to have volunteering on a CV, when job hunting, plus, it can help with references etc..

I hope all goes well with your SO's screening process. 
Thanks again for your support & advice.

There are a number of good books on ASD/NT relationships.

Do you think your husband would be willing to even do an unofficial screening? Your best outcome is if he does and he is willing to learn how he can be a better spouse...it doesn't always happen, but it needs thinking about.

It is also important to look after you and that may include accepting that this is not the right relationship for you if you find he is unwilling to try and change things together.

For the record we are half way through my SO getting screening for ASD. He already has an ADHD diagnosis and depression/anxiety. He's been out of work several years but had senior research roles.

My SO knows he needs to do more and is willing to try but he struggles to sustain a level of engagement in the unstructured life of an unemployed person. So we are going to have to get another more creative even if it involves him volunteering rather than in paid employment (paid would be good, it's hard on one income)

I hope I don't sound too pessimistic - but marriage is hard work to start with and a partner who is unwilling to self reflect and change makes it tough